Single. Homeless. Unemployed.

Does it get any worse than that? I'm not really homeless because I'm moving in with my parents but I am more of a guest here now. Not the type of guest you lay clean towels out and make breakfast for but more the type of guest that you wish would leave. So I'm considering this my temporary address and staying as long as I have to. It is nice to know I have family to fall back on, though, because without them I really would be homeless. This job market is very scary. I'm spending hours applying to places that aren't hiring. And I'm just so incredibly jealous of everyone else who isn't me. Most people I'm graduating with have a second income so it's ok if they're unemployed for a bit. And after spending a day on the hunt, there's someone to cozy up with and take a break. But it's just me and this stack of resumes, and that guilty feeling that I'm not doing enough to find a job if I allow myself to stop. I need to take a pill to make my body shut down and just stop thinking. And in those 30 minutes from swallow to slumber I feel happy. "They" say it takes 3-6 months to find a job, which I don't understand. If I don't find a job in a week or so, I'm applying at McDonald's for God's sake. Well maybe not that exact establishment, but somewhere I'm way overqualified for just to make a few bucks. Do they really mean it takes 3-6 months to find a job that meets your qualifications and pays what you are asking? I wish they would be more clear, because if they mean it takes 3-6 months to find any place in the world that is willing to pay you minimum wage then that's depressing.

Anyway, more on my jealousy. A good friend of mine who I commiserate with about all the single stuff just got a boyfriend. Like literally overnight. They dated 6 years ago and drifted apart because she is super scared of intimacy, but the guy has kept in contact after all these years. And then they started hanging out after he broke up with his girlfriend and now they're together and talking about a wedding next year. WTF? And I don't know why this upsets me so much...I guess it just reminds me of how selfish mankind is and how hard it is to find people who truly, truly care (I define love as caring for someone more than yourself), and how really you can only depend on yourself: This friend was waiting till marriage to have sex. And they did it. Imagine that, 25 years and bam, it's gone, nothing special. And he knew she was waiting, she told him when they met and she told him time and time again when things started going too far. And she says she should have stopped him, but in her moment of weakness if he truly, truly cared about her more than he cared for himself then he wouldn't have taken that from her. I'm actually pro-premarital sex but it's just the principle. So I in no way approve of this guy but I have to meet him at her graduation and pretend to be nice. Except she just told me she is trying to get extra tickets so now I'm "maybe" invited. She gave my ticket to HIM. Lovely. Such is the life, coming second. So I don't know how much of this is actually disapproval or jealousy. She just got a job offer with the highest entry level pay around and has a guy who showers her with gifts and affection and a plan for the future. Everything I ever wanted...so how could I disapprove of that?

I've been trolling the dating sites again. Only this time in the L.A. area. It's amazing how much more douchey, ghetto, and loserish guys can get just by moving your search radius. To be fair, though, I've been looking on Okcupid because I can't afford Match. And even the decent Okcupid guys in San Diego were slim pickings. This time around, I'm going to make it less of a hunt and try to just have fun with it. When I did it in August I had multiple dates a week and couldn't keep track of all the men I was talking to. It was exhausting and I never looked forward to going out. I was just going out with them to prove to myself and all the people that say I'm too picky that I was giving guys a chance. But now I know I'd rather sit on my computer and bitch than hang out with people I'm not attracted to and constantly have to figure out how to get myself out of the little relationships I've gotten myself into. So this time if I feel something I'll try it out in person, while spending time on myself and with my friends, and maybe meeting people in "real" life too. Ok, meeting people in "real" life is actually kind of a joke, seeing as I've only met a small percentage of the guys I've dated that way.

Men Update
Turkey called me to say he finished my photos. I let it go to voicemail and then emailed him that he can post them online and send a CD to my new address. And that's the end of that.

Ladder 3 asked me to a few Angel games, but I couldn't go to any of them. Then he asked me to come over and I said I'm not just going to come over to his house and basically had the conversation that I've already had with him that I think he is only interested in me physically. To that he said, "I'm done talking to you." And that's the end of that.

The End

Turkey and I had been having a discussion about this video about crazy cat ladies, and I told him I could actually relate to one of the ladies. I also explained what happened during a little freak out I had about going to a job fair. All of this was over chat/email so he couldn't actually see the emotion going on. GOOD THING, because I just got an email back that he didn't know what to say and he felt like he hadn't earned my trust for those disclosures. He still wants to be friends, "but easy on the disclosure." This really has me wondering if I'm a fucking crazy person?! I mean, this guy is a real nice person, a therapist, and the things going on in my heart and mind are too much for him? Through doing therapy and in training and by talking to close friends, I really don't think that my stuff is abnormal. Sure, it's stuff you don't share with everybody, but not crazy stuff that will scare people away. But it did. And deep down, I think that was the goal all along. I go into things knowing a guy will hurt me. And he hurt me when he said he didn't want to date me, but I decided to stick with it and just take what I could get from this guy. But I just had to prove that he couldn't even handle a friendship with me, so I pushed it. I showed him the crazy and pushed him to the brink. And now it's over. I responded by telling him I realized it was a pushing away move, but I also thought he was safe. I gave him my address to send my graduation pictures. And that's it. Peace and love, good riddance. Although honestly I'm not wishing those things upon him. I hope he feels horrible and stupid and full of regret. And I wish I could hold onto that anger because otherwise I start turning inward. Another message that I'm not OK as I am, and that nobody will ever truly accept me. Thanks a lot, Turkey. Or maybe it's only myself I have to thank for all this?

The Cold, Hard Truth

I'm always cognizant of the fact that I'm single. It's always a lingering thought in the back of my mind that I can't fully get rid of. Even if I'm doing some great single girl activity I'm thinking about how I couldn't be doing that thing if I had a boyfriend/husband/family...and how I'd give up every great single girl activity in a heartbeat for the love and support of a significant other. There are some things, though, that will stop you in your tracks and remind you that you are, in fact, ALONE.

The first time I really, truly realized this was in Ikea. I had just moved out of my parents' house and was buying furniture. I was struggling to get the boxes off the shelves when a lady tried to help me. I laughed it off and said I'm fine, thanks. I was a strong, single girl; I could do it on my own. She called me a bitch and walked away. I looked down so no one would see and wiped away a tear. I'm not strong. And I can't do it alone.

Today I'm having another one of those moments. I'm going to Sacramento to lobby Congress...awesome girl power, right?! I couldn't leave for a whole weekend if I had a family!!! Only I forgot I have a dog...I've been holed up doing projects and studying all semester so I feel too guilty to ask my friends. I don't want to be one of those people who only calls when they need something. That applies to asking for a ride to the airport, too. So now I'm going to end up paying for a cab and going into more debt for doggy day care. Maybe I have a problem asking for help. But if the solution to my single girl problems is making money so I can pay people to help me, social work may have been the wrong profession.

I'm reminded of this song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o63Tap4YGo0

Friends

I wrote the last post right after talking to Turkey. Getting all that emotion out helped me realize that a lot of my sadness isn't really about him. It's just my own issues that I need to spend some single time thinking about. So maybe this blog is switching tracks...

I let him know that I can still be friends and to please just treat me like he always has. So we'll see if I can handle it. When I talked to him this morning I wanted to cry, but I made myself busy and was soon fine :)

Unlovable

Today Turkey called me and told me he feels like he’s been ambiguous and wants to be clear that he just wants to be friends. I said it’s obvious he’s telling me this because he could tell I have feelings for him. I asked him what it is that gets me to this place…guys always leaving me. He said he felt like I was the one pursuing and he’s never gone for that. Ladder 1 had also told me for future reference that I should never tell a guy I like him. I guess that’s such a horrible thing to be liked by me. Anyway so Turkey was asking what I want because he wants to be friends but wants me to be comfortable. And I said I don’t know what I want, you decide. And we went back and forth like that for awhile till finally he said he would give me time to think and then email me. So I deleted his facebook and texts and stuff to get rid of the reminders. I don’t know what I’ll decide, but I guess that’s sort of the point of him giving me time. I know the best thing for me to get over him is to stop all contact.

One day he’ll just be another guy I wrote about in my diary. One day maybe my heart won’t be broken. But what’s sad is I can’t write that sentence without the maybe. Because the fact that I scare guys away makes me feel like a monster; an ugly, unlovable, scary monster. And that thought breaks me more than it breaks my heart. It’s not about this particular guy at all…it’s about a series of events over 26 years that have beaten these thoughts into me. And maybe the thoughts themselves are what make me unlovable. It’s a downward spiral and I try over and over again to find someone who will love me and prove me wrong. I know I’ve got to prove myself wrong for that to happen, but it’s that acceptance from someone else that I seek for my proof. And it’s especially hard right now, when yet again I just wasn’t good enough.

Turkey Trot

I let Turkey know that I would be home for the weekend and asked if he wanted to go for a hike. He was in class at the time and was switching to lab so he had to go. And then I didn't hear from him...I got all sad and went crazy and ended up texting him almost a week later. He texted back and we made plans like it was no big deal.

So the day of I met him at his house with my dog and we made sandwiches to take with us. He drove us up there (nice car!) and we spent a few hours having a picnic and hiking. We talked a lot about our families and who we are. He said he has an anxious/avoidant attachment style, which I'll get to later. His family is a little emotionally distant and he didn't see a very close, loving relationship between his parents. Afterward, we took a long drive to this ice cream and cookie place before heading back to his place. We looked at the pictures he took that day and just hung out for a bit. When it was time for me to go, I actually had to ask him to walk me to my car (it was dark by this time) and he gave me a quick hug goodbye. I sat there in disbelief because we spent an entire day together and we click so well, but absolutely no flirting and definitely no kiss.

This was a week ago and we've been emailing and talking on the phone since then. We set up a photo shoot for my grad pictures that he can use in his portfolio and he has been helping me get a cell phone discount, so while we do chat for a while, it's not like he is contacting me just to say hey. In asking for advice for a friend, I got a few tidbits about what he likes. He said forward girls turn him off, he likes to be friends before starting a relationship, and if a guy likes a girl he will make something happen. Whether it was a message for me or not, I got a strong message to back off! I've talked to some friends that say don't waste any more time, but in all honesty I need closure before I can do that. I was planning on telling him how I feel but I chickened out, and with this new information I just can't do it anytime soon.

As far as attachment goes, a person who does not develop a close bond with his/her caregiver and develops an anxious/avoidant attachment style goes on to avoid intimacy and feel insecure while in a relationship. This might answer the question about why he is still single, and actually gives me a little hope. Getting into a relationship with an avoidant guy is not the best idea, but we attract people who are on the same level as us, and I also have an avoidant and definitely very anxious style.

So he wants to be "friends first," but the question is does that mean friends forever? From what he has said, it sounds like if he wants more he will let me know. But there will come a point where I will need closure and separation to grieve about losing what I had hoped for. So the revised plan is for me to accept this friendship, and when it gets closer to May when I'm moving back home I'll initiate a little chat.

Dream: The Dresses

I have a lot of curious dreams. Any given day you could ask me about last night's dream and I'll probably have one to tell you about. I like to analyze my dreams from a Gestalt perspective, so I'll put myself in the view of different objects in my dream. Usually one of the main objects will open my eyes up to something I've been feeling subconsciously, so I'm able to deal with it.

Here is the dream the way it happened:
I'm camping with family, or maybe this is where we live. There are a bunch of trailers and motor homes in an old west feeling campsite. Homeless people stay here, too, but we're not homeless. We are more well-to-do and we travel around helping the homeless people. My job is to sort through clothing donations and give only the best clothing to the homeless people. In today's pile, I find three sheer chiffon dresses. They would be beautiful dresses, but they have stains and bleach spots on them. I take the dresses back to my trailer and speak to another female, possibly a friend or my sister, about my dilemma. I want to give them to the homeless people because they are so beautiful, but would they be offended that I gave them stained clothing? Maybe I could just put them out on a tree branch and if someone wants them they will take them. Or maybe I should approach someone who might like them and explain that I mean no offense by giving away these dresses, despite their flaws. Maybe someone will even like the dresses because they have spots on them?

That is where I woke up. Now here is the dream from the perspective of the dresses:
I'm sitting in a pile with other clothes, flawless clothes that will be chosen without question. Someone has noticed me, and thinks I'm beautiful even though I have such obvious flaws. She doesn't know what to do with me, though. She is thinking about leaving me on a tree branch. What if I blow away or get torn? What if nobody sees me or knows I am there for the taking? She is thinking about giving me to someone and explaining that I am still beautiful despite my flaws. But why point out my shortcomings? How embarrassing! And why should someone have to be convinced to like me, aren't I beautiful as I am? Oh please, just accept me! Let me be of good use...send me away with the other good clothes and let someone decide to love me as I am.

It became obvious to me I'm having a little battle with myself about self-acceptance. But I also wonder if this is related to Turkey. We've been chatting a lot, and often times I'm left wondering if I should have said what I did and how it was perceived. I feel like he sees me as a quirky bad girl. What I want to convey is the wholesome, matronly side of me, but in joking and being honest to a fault I just don't know if he is getting that. Does he think I'm a complete loon? Maybe he talks to me so much not because I have any potential with him, but because listening to this moron is just plain entertaining. Yes, I'm flawed. But I am also beautiful. Will he be able to see and accept that?