What if 2012 is Amazing?

I haven't had an amazing year since 2006. I don't know, I'm just judging by my facebook timeline. Ever since I was little, I'd get depressed at this time of year. I was sad the holidays were over and I didn't know when I'd see my extended family again. I've just never been the type to say 'this year will be different' and decide to make a bunch of changes along with the rest of the world. So I'm def not saying I think 2012 will be different, but what if it is?

New Year's Eve was definitely amazing! Spongebob and I went to my friend's potluck and then to a party. We drank Veuve Clicqot and shotgunned weed. My friend asked us if we would kiss at midnight and I said, "Well I guess we'll have to," which was sufficiently awkward, but took away all awkwardness at kissing time...until she sprayed silly string on us mid-kiss. We stumbled home at about 5AM and had some more fun ;) He asked for head but I reminded him of my no casual sex rule. We spent the next day recovering together.

Today he was laid off :( He doesn't know this, but I cried for him. I forgot what it's like to care...to not be obsessed and anxious and preoccupied with what my next move will be...but just to have my heart feel for another person. It's totally different than empathy during therapy. I said I'd be there for him, and he offered to take me to dinner. I think he's being a little too positive at a time like this, and were he a client I would pry a little. Then again, he's never really had to worry about money, so maybe he means it when he calls this an opportunity.

I've been so caught up in finding a boyfriend that I just realized I don't really know how to be a girlfriend! So here's to being a girlfriend in 2012 :)

I Seem to Have Forgotten a Few Things

I just realized that I forgot a HUGE detail in my first post--Spongebob! This was when I was about 20 and in my slutty phase. I guess I didn't include him because it was only a pseudo-relationship. That's literally what we agreed upon and what we called it. We held hands, cuddled, fucked, watched cartoons, got drunk, went out with each others' friends...he was actually more of a relationship than most of my relationships. Only we didn't go on dates, we didn't get in fights, and we never broke up. Eventually we distanced from each other and he got a girlfriend and I stopped having casual sex, but to this day we're still friends. It all started when my sister had a crush on him in college, and one day I responded when he popped up on her AIM (yeah, we're OG). We chatted ALL the time and one night we randomly decided to meet up. I don't know what ever happened with my sister in all this...but he was at her wedding so I guess it doesn't matter :) We've met each others' families, go to the same church, and my brother ended up joining his fraternity so they're friends now, too. It all sounds VERY small town and none of this would be relevant had it actually happened in a small town. Anyways, neither of us have been in a serious relationship in awhile and he recently said we should go on a practice date. I laughed it off and said our pseudo-relationship got complicated in the past. See, he doesn't know it but I developed feelings for him at one point. I was sort of freaked out and embarrassed by it, and that's just a no-no with fuck buddies so nobody knows this. Usually one person starts to have feelings and since that person was me I figured he couldn't. Plus he was a fuck-up and I didn't want to date him :P He was very frat boy at the time and I am two years older than him. But now he has a career and has calmed down...

Another boy I forgot is Nicky! Hi Nick :) We met on match.com and became friends. We should be featured in one of their ads!!! Well now he is ENGAGED--YAY! But I have a feeling Mrs. Nicky isn't so into me...which brings me to another thing I forgot. I am hot. I really talk myself down on here and it has been difficult to watch myself age, but really guys, I could have been a part time model (please google part time model if that doesn't ring a bell). Right now I am not even full time doing anything, though, because I just got LASIK. Google image subconjunctival hemorrhage and imagine staring at that for your therapy hour, sooo I'm taking some time off. Even if these kids are being paid for by MediCal I still don't think they deserve to look at that. I would have waited till after the holidays had I known this would happen because taking sick time is seen as a MAJOR WEAKNESS and billing is tight this time of year. I also would have pumped up my billing before the surgery, but I just sort of got impatient and jumped into it. I think down the line I'll be very happy with it because my vision is incredible and the halos/dry eye aren't really happening. I just get so scared I'm going to wake up or rub my eye and it will all be gone!!! I was actually very depressed afterward because I look like a zombie (a hot zombie) and it's such a strange change to go through.

Ok, so Youtube. He ended up being incredibly narcissistic...and I'm talking personality disordered narcissistic. This guy talked about himself for hours while I had an asthma attack. I probably should have told him I needed to go home to get my inhaler, but he could have asked! We just sort of faded out, which is ok...but now how will I get to his hotter, funnier Youtube friends?

And lastly, I have a new obsession: The Hunger Games. OMG. Lord of the Flies meets Brave New World meets AWESOME. I got an audible.com account and I'm out of credits so I have to wait for books 2 and 3. I'm excited to be into one of these tween book/movie/saga sensations. I just wasn't into Harry Potter and Twilight absolutely disgusts me. Lord of the Rings confuckingfused me. I guess I have a thing for all out bloodbaths because Kill Bill is one of my faves. I also find the dynamics of the psyche in a dystopian fight to the death incredibly intriguing. Oh, and I'm calling a Liam Hemsworth/Miley Cyrus breakup now that he's got his big break.

Taming The Crazy

Will I ever be able to stop The Crazy?! I don't know that I've ever explained what I mean by The Crazy. It's that obsessive, anxious state I get in when I like a guy. The wheels start turning and I convince myself he's going to leave. I know it stems from my anxious attachment as a child. I was loved and never had one experience that even came close to abuse or neglect. But because of my inborn temperament and maybe my parents' anxiety, I was always anxious about my needs being met or our trust being broken. I learned not to express much emotion, which in turn made my parents have to guess what I needed from them. We weren't in tune, and so developed the anxious attachment. I KNOW this is why I am the way I am. I sort of know how to treat a person with attachment issues. But I haven't quite figured out how to solve this problem for myself.

The Crazy started to rear its head a bit this weekend. Chill told me he would come over on the 4th of July. I pictured a day rolling around in bed followed by fireworks (literal fireworks, not the mushy gushy orgasmic kind). But then he changes his mind and spends the day with his family. And out of nowhere the feelings hit me. I was pissed at him for flaking and then I started worrying that my feelings for him would get stronger, which will make things hurt more in the end. I thought about just quitting right then to prevent any future complications. And then I thought maybe I shouldn't have sex with him because sex releases chemicals that make you have stronger feelings for a person. But then I reminded myself that I haven't had sex in two and a half years due to my intense fear of HPV and cervical cancer, and thought, 'FUCK THAT SHIT I NEED TO GET LAID.' This led to my google search for how to suppress said chemicals and how to avoid falling in love. Turns out suppression of those chemicals is possible, but has only been tested on some little rodent things, so that's out. One psychiatrist said it might be possible by taking high doses of Prozac to numb all emotions. I'm already on a shit-ton of meds and I'm nowhere near numb so that lady needs to get her facts straight. It was comforting to know that a great deal of people have also searched for how to avoid falling in love, though. One response at http://www.experienceproject.com/question-answer/Is-It-Possible-To-Stop-Yourself-From-Falling-In-Love/1536 was very profound to me. User Duana said "it is possible to stop yourself from falling in love is [sic] because at the very heart of love is free will. If you can't stop it long enough to make your own choice about it- it is not really love- you are being swept away by something else." The reiteration that this is my choice brought back my sense of control and immediately relief swept over me. So, until next time, The Crazy has been abated :) Now I can go back to just being horny. I mentioned my sexual frustration in a text message convo with Chill. His response was 'sorry, I tend to take it slow...soooo prepare accordingly :)' WTF does that mean?! Rub it out before our dates? It's time for a wax? Go buy condoms?

So anyways, besides my constant fantasizing about my next contraction of HPV, my latest obsession has been...drum roll please...FERTILITY AWARENESS/NATURAL FAMILY PLANNING! So lame, right? But seriously, I find it absolutely fascinating. The fact that our bodies are constantly working to create life and the fact that I can become so attuned with what's going on in my body is just so friggin' amazing. I've learned so much about my body, and I love that there's this whole online community with a common set of acronyms. I'm jumping on the bandwagon and will be recording my basal body temperature and cervical mucus/position. I even bought some ovulation and pregnancy tests. I'm totally NOT planning/expecting/wanting a pregnancy, but I've been sexually active for ten years (um okay, maybe subtract the last two) and have never taken a pregnancy test. It just feels like it's an experience every woman has that I've missed out on. Which probably speaks to my awesomeness at protected sex, but I want to pee on a stick like all the other girls, damnit! Oh PS, I'm on Nuvaring (for acne) so my results won't be typical. I think it will be cool to compare with a friend of mine who isn't on birth control. Plus, sometimes I take acne medication that messes with birth control so I'll get a better idea of how that affects things.

Alright, one last thing. As I was watching trying to conceive vlogs, I stumbled upon a video of a girl's wedding. As soon as Canon started playing, my eyes welled up. I was hit with the fact that even though my mind is set on Plan B, my heart still truly wants Plan A. Chill is not so keen on marriage (his outlook seems very similar to Aaron Karo [http://www.ruminations.com/column/176]) and he is pretty much disgusted by babies. So even though I have a man-friend (which is what I'll call him forever because he thinks the "defining the relationship" conversation is silly and middle-schoolish because you should just know what the status is based on how the relationship is going [sidenote: I HATE when people say they're exclusive but not "boyfriend/girlfriend." They're one in the same, and I'm not going to be exclusive if you're afraid of titles...and no exclusivity means condoms EVERY TIME, including oral]). Bottom-line I still have some work to do to fully get over Plan A. Oy, somebody get me some Prozac.

Done

I did it. Broke up with The Artist. I did it over facebook chat because he started talking to me on there and I told him I wouldn't be going to his friends' tailgate party. Then I called him and we had a very silent phone conversation. I was crying the whole time and he cried a little bit. He said he doesn't want to be friends because he can't picture how a friendship with me would work. That's the part that I've been crying about for days. There was never a doubt that he's a great person. If I had known he was going to do this I would have waited just so I could see him one last time, have him in my life just a little longer. I feel like a friend of mine has died because I may very well never see him again. He kept saying 'I don't know if I can go through this again' or something like that, referring to how girls always see him as a friend. Well, I don't know if I can go through this again either. I still had a little oomph last time I posted, but feeling this extreme sadness changed things. I have cried in this room too many times over boys that didn't work out. And now I have to work up the nerve all over again, all for something that will most likely end in tears? How do people do it?

Well This is a First

The Artist asked me to be his girlfriend. I said I wasn't ready for a commitment. I've always felt a little unsure about my feelings for him. I didn't want to commit to him and lose out on time meeting other guys if I wasn't confident about us working out. So we kept dating and he has been perfect. But the feelings aren't there. I'm so angry because I found a guy who is caring, makes time for me, wants a commitment, wants to talk about feelings, is supportive, and accepts me just the way I am...but my heart just isn't in it. So I decided today that I need to end it with him, but it made me too sad. Sad for him, and sad for me because then I will be alone. I want to be able to hug him, so now I'm thinking I'll wait till I see him this weekend. I can't wait longer than that, though, because he is planning some surprise weekend for me and I don't want him to spend any more money on me now that I've figured out my feelings.

I love love love knowing that someone cares about me. I'm going to miss it so much. I was emailing a guy on Match, and was getting excited about him. Our emails were long and interesting, but then about a week and a half ago I sent him a response and never got one back. It's rare that I'll get excited about someone online, so that's a real bummer. I only have two more months of my membership. I only emailed 4 people last month, and you're required to email 5 in order to get 6 more months for free. I'll call and see if they'll give it to me anyway. Otherwise, I don't know what is next. Buy another 6 months? Try eharmony? Take a break? Look into matchmakers? I'm not giving up yet!!!

Pink Eye Post

GROSS. I'm home with pink eye. It doesn't itch so people really wouldn't be at risk because it's not on my hands, but it just looks offensive. I had to cancel a family session so the mom called the social worker to tattle on me! Sorry my pink eye is getting in the way of your court mandates!

Anywaayyyyys...dating :D Chill pretty much disappeared. I never responded to his "I really want to hang out with you but blah blah" text. He bored me and doesn't have time for a relationship so I moved on. I met The Artist a couple weeks ago. He is very different than guys I'm usually attracted to. I usually like tall science/business-minded fellows that don't have time or emotional availability for me. This one's a little guy--barely 5'9" and went to The Art Institute. He does animation advertisement type stuff. And photography. He looks like Zac Efron and wears glasses and Chucks and sport coats. I bet he wears scarves in the winter. We look like brother and sister with our little bodies and glasses and straight teeth. It reminds me of a romance you would see in a movie...very quirky and awkward, yet sweet. I'm 100% myself with him even though I tell myself not to be. But I think that might be my tendency to want to scare guys away by being the craziest me I can be. I like him but I'm iffy because I need a guy who will be strong and take care of me, but put me in my place when I need it. He has anxiety, and I've changed the subject twice with him already because I'm just not ready to go there. I probably have the worst anxiety out of anyone you know. Maybe having experienced it, he will be more understanding...but I also worry we will be a big, anxious mess with kids that will need Prozac in their formula (you know me--always thinking about the future kiddos!). My last boyfriend left me partly because he was afraid he would have to go to the emergency room for the rest of his life like he did for his aunt. I've never been to the emergency room for a panic attack, but I guess that's just details. But I haven't told another significant guy since then, and I never planned on relying on a guy to help me with my anxiety. And I don't want anyone who isn't paying for it to rely on me for their anxiety. So now that I'm on the anxiety topic, there's something I've been thinking about nearly every day. I take medication that can't be taken when pregnant or breastfeeding. It also has terrible withdrawals. So in order for me to get pregnant, I will have to quit my job to detox and deal with the anxiety. So I have all these worries about finding a guy who can financially support a family with one income, and put up with the detox and the possibility of me becoming a recluse off meds. It won't be one of those happy pregnancies where you wear cute clothes and have baby showers. I'm picturing a year of laying in bed, shaking and vomiting. Who even wants to knock that up? So yeah, it's a little crazy to be thinking this far into the future, but when things get serious with a guy I'm going to have to tell him that it's that or adoption. I don't think guys really think about adoption till it's the last option. They think, "One day when I'm ready I will spread my seed and that day my wife will get pregnant and in nine months we will have a bigger gene pool and then I can teach my offspring baseball." Clowns. So I can't help but try to be proactive and look for a guy who can handle it and care about me enough to put up with it.

This Blog Should be Called Thoughts on Dating...on Ambien

So fiiiinnnnaaallly I have time to write. Always after popping a tiny sleeping pill. I just had a blah day today. It's because yesterday I had heat exhaustion at the fair, which was quite embarrassing with all the paramedics around me. It was also a realization that if this happens every other month, there is some sort of problem. I don't have health insurance till December, so I'm just going to stay out of the sun till then. I should have went to the first aid room at the fair because I could get some free vital sign readings. Oh well, I scored some tylenol. Anyways, serious stuff makes me think about serious stuff. A colleague died at only 22 years old. She went to work like any other day and then BOOM brain dead. I could have been going to the fair like any other day and then BOOM. And at this point in my life I am SO NOT READY TO GO!!! I figured out it will take me 6 years to get my social work license at this job. That means I can have kids at age 32. Pretty good age. Gives me plenty of time to find a man, enjoy him, train him, er learn to communicate properly within marriage. The clock has been ticking but now it's getting LOUDER!

Chill is back to school for his MBA and got promoted (without a raise, of course) so he travels basically everyday he isn't at school. Add in homework, and no time for me. We have texted/chatted a couple times, but I think it's over. He bores me anyway. SUCH a sweetie, though. Seattle never called me after our date. I didn't feel any sparks and I'm used to it by now, so there wasn't an ounce of sadness! Go me with the emotion regulation!!! A few guys have been calling to set up dates so I will try my best to follow up. I have a life so blogging is hard! One guy called me and said, "Well, I decided I would be bold and make a reservation for tomorrow night at 7PM." WOW, buddy, that's bold. You should be an assassin or some sort of undercover ops spy. He was sooo dry and lame and didn't make me laugh or even try to make me comfortable. So I said tomorrow won't work so let me get back to you when I know my schedule for next week. My schedule always changes so I never know it till after it happens, and I'm sure he wouldn't want to be troubled with the past.

So it's been slim pickings on the old match.com. Not too impressed right now. Maybe it will get better toward couples season. Hopefully we have a cold winter and the big spoons start looking for their little spoon. I call little spoon ;)

PS Ambien induced movie idea: Babysitters club should have a reunion. Mary Anne and Logan had a ton of kids and are now going through a custody battle. Kristy has gone straight lesbo and wants to adopt a child with her partner, but face judgment everywhere they go. Stacy can't conceive because of her diabetes, so she hires a surrogate who ends up teaching her important life lessons. Claudia is now sober after raving in her early twenties and her fashion line has exploded after a recent feature in Vogue magazine. Something is missing, though, so she takes a trip to her home country and meets a baby girl she is determined not to leave without. Babysitters Club: The Reunion...what happens when the babysitters want babies of their own?

Bisou Bisou

Of course he called me! And of course we went on a date and he kissed me at the end! Because I'm awesome, and why wouldn't he? :P We've been chatting/texting and he canceled his plans with his brother to have sushi with me. I was suuuuper nervous because this was sort of a make or break date since he hadn't put ANY moves on me. So I didn't have an appetite and looked like a loser girl who doesn't eat on dates. W/e he's seen me stuff my face the past two so he knows what's up. After dinner, we stood in the parking lot talking for about two hours. I acted all cold so he would put his arm around me but NOTHING. Then finally when we hugged goodbye he went for it. Jeezus kid! Sooo he seems like not a jerk so I believe him when he says he'll call me after his trip. I really like this thing because I'm not going crazy--I know I like him but I still want to find out more. It's slow and it's fun and hopefully I get to enjoy it for awhile. His birthday is coming up, though, and I HATE when you first meet a guy and his birthday or Christmas comes. I'm thinking I'll just text him. I made Ladder 1 cupcakes for his bday (I took them to his super bowl party so it wasn't a huge deal) and he ended up thinking I was moving too fast. That probably had more to do with me giving it up to him too soon and calling too much than the cupcakes but I'm traumatized nonetheless. I think these past traumas are helping me now, though, because I know to move slower and if a guy does end up leaving me he isn't taking my heart and secrets with him.

Second (and probably last) Date

Chill and I went to lunch and a movie today (I don't think I've referred to him by name before, so Chill is the guy from the last post). It was whatever. I like him, but I just wasn't on today. I realized how much Turkey impacted me, though. I've retreated into my shell, so terrified of putting myself out there again. And I feel like flirting and letting on that I like a guy is the kiss of death. There was no physical contact aside from the hello hug--when he left he just said he'd call me this week. So now I'm feeling all down the day before my first day at my new job. Whatever.

Here We Go Again

Oh noes. I went on my date. And I like him. I guess that's good because it was a long date so it would have been awkward if I didn't like him. Hopefully it wasn't awkward for him the whole time :/ He said he would call me so we can go out again but that's what they all say. Anyways, when I like a guy I obsess and that makes me think of reasons he doesn't like me and that makes me depressed. So when I have no guy to worry about I'm a happy, independent female. But it looks like now I'm going back to anxious, depressed psycho. I'm scared because I was so hurt with Turkey and that was just a crush! But I recovered fine and now we're cool. Another thing is I can't seem to control is my thoughts about marriage!!! I want to just hang out with this guy and not worry about if I'm going to marry him, but then if the guy is potentially great enough to marry how could I not think about that?? Bleh.

Turkey Trot

I let Turkey know that I would be home for the weekend and asked if he wanted to go for a hike. He was in class at the time and was switching to lab so he had to go. And then I didn't hear from him...I got all sad and went crazy and ended up texting him almost a week later. He texted back and we made plans like it was no big deal.

So the day of I met him at his house with my dog and we made sandwiches to take with us. He drove us up there (nice car!) and we spent a few hours having a picnic and hiking. We talked a lot about our families and who we are. He said he has an anxious/avoidant attachment style, which I'll get to later. His family is a little emotionally distant and he didn't see a very close, loving relationship between his parents. Afterward, we took a long drive to this ice cream and cookie place before heading back to his place. We looked at the pictures he took that day and just hung out for a bit. When it was time for me to go, I actually had to ask him to walk me to my car (it was dark by this time) and he gave me a quick hug goodbye. I sat there in disbelief because we spent an entire day together and we click so well, but absolutely no flirting and definitely no kiss.

This was a week ago and we've been emailing and talking on the phone since then. We set up a photo shoot for my grad pictures that he can use in his portfolio and he has been helping me get a cell phone discount, so while we do chat for a while, it's not like he is contacting me just to say hey. In asking for advice for a friend, I got a few tidbits about what he likes. He said forward girls turn him off, he likes to be friends before starting a relationship, and if a guy likes a girl he will make something happen. Whether it was a message for me or not, I got a strong message to back off! I've talked to some friends that say don't waste any more time, but in all honesty I need closure before I can do that. I was planning on telling him how I feel but I chickened out, and with this new information I just can't do it anytime soon.

As far as attachment goes, a person who does not develop a close bond with his/her caregiver and develops an anxious/avoidant attachment style goes on to avoid intimacy and feel insecure while in a relationship. This might answer the question about why he is still single, and actually gives me a little hope. Getting into a relationship with an avoidant guy is not the best idea, but we attract people who are on the same level as us, and I also have an avoidant and definitely very anxious style.

So he wants to be "friends first," but the question is does that mean friends forever? From what he has said, it sounds like if he wants more he will let me know. But there will come a point where I will need closure and separation to grieve about losing what I had hoped for. So the revised plan is for me to accept this friendship, and when it gets closer to May when I'm moving back home I'll initiate a little chat.

Group Date?

Last night was a ton of fun! We went to a bar for drinks and dinner with two of Turkey's friends. Then we went to a gay bar for karaoke, which was hilarious. (Turkey's comment, "Are we the only straight people here?" got rid of all questions about sexuality). We sang No Scrubs by TLC and Wannabe by Spice Girls. He let me pick :) Then we got pizza, went to another bar, and went to Denny's. I ended up eating a sandwich and chips, pizza, a sundae, and Turkey's hash browns and pancake that night!!! Girl can eat--hope that scores me points! He bought me a beer and offered to buy me more but I had to drive. He said I could stay at his friend's if I couldn't drive home, which I would have LOVED, but I didn't want to be irresponsible. He was touchy and paid a lot of attention to me...I think his friends were a little jealous :D I didn't get that kiss I was hoping for, but we were with people the entire time. I got a little shy so I'm hoping he can tell I like him. I was worried I would have built him up to be such a great guy in my mind and then realize I wasn't really into him when I saw him last night. That was definitely not the case. It's so nice to talk to a guy who understands communication and relationships (he's going to be a therapist, too). He is Christian, funny, intelligent, creative, friendly, outgoing and loves to travel. He is an absolute sweetheart and just has this zest for life. I'm completely attracted to him and feel warm fuzzies when he talks to me...this is everything I've been looking for. Scary! I've got a lot to lose if this doesn't go well, but I'm feeling hopeful. He is going to take my graduation photos for me, and I'm going home in a few weeks so I'm going to see if he wants to hang out. We'll see what happens when I get him alone...

Something to Look Forward To

Every year around New Year's Day and my birthday I start thinking about all I wanted to have accomplished by this age, and how much I have actually accomplished. The two never end up matching and then I get depressed. This year I was thinking about how even at the latest I always wanted to be married by 26. And now that I am 26, I realize how young that really is, but it still makes me nervous that I haven't even met this future husband guy. I know I sound like all the other 20- and 30-something bloggers who worry about being single, but it's such a real concern. We are at that point in our lives which we face intimacy versus isolation, and the latter just sounds so unfun. We're inundated by engagement/wedding/baby announcements (especially now with facebook) as our precious eggs die lonely deaths each month. You don't necessarily have to get married and start a family to get through this crisis--each person has his or her own way of achieving intimacy. But what I truly want is to settle down with someone for life, a best friend to stick it through for better or for worse, and then look back and laugh with them when things go for worse. I have always wanted children, and no matter what options I consider, raising them with a husband and father is always the best. I guess at some point you accept that you might be single for good and learn to love it, but I'm nowhere near acceptance. No, closer to freaking out, which probably lowers my chances significantly.

So anyways, on to the good news. Turkey sent me an email saying he would be in town visiting friends and invited me to dinner and drinks with them! I hadn't heard from him in a bit and was getting a little down thinking about how long it would take to even let him know I'm interested. So I think him making sure to email me ahead of time and invite me is a good sign. Things should be a little more relaxed without my entire family around, too. Sooo even though I try not to get my hopes up and start creating a false fantasy in my head, I will be honest and admit that I'm really hoping for a kiss :) But I'd be happy with flirting. In reality, though, unless he lets me know he is definitely not interested, I'm going to come out of this weekend with even more questions. It kind of reminds me of The Fear You Won't Fall by Joshua Radin.

Current Prospects

1. Turkey
My grandpa met Turkey at church. His family lives out of town so he didn't have anywhere to go for Thanksgiving, so my grandpa invited him to our dinner. I figured only a weirdo would go to Thanksgiving with some old guy, so I was pleasantly surprised when an attractive future doctor showed up. I made sure to sit next to him, and later I found out my whole family was making sure of it too. Our table ended up being me, him, his friend, and my two teenage cousins who don't really talk. His friend was pretty quiet too, so my bro-in-law commented that my Thanksgiving dinner totally turned into a date. We didn't exchange any info, so my sister used her facebook stalking skills to find him and now we're friends on facebook (we made bro-in-law add him so I wouldn't look like a stalker hehe). We chatted online last night and he just commented that my grandpa offered him an arranged marriage!!!

2. Ladder 3
I got a little sneaky with this one. I was looking at pictures from a firefighters' event on facebook and added Ladder 3. He asked how he knew me and I said my cousin got on my account and added random people. We've chatted a little bit and he suggested meeting. The only thing is he wanted to go in the spa?! I said maybe some other less naked activity. So I don't know if we'll actually meet, especially because he doesn't live super close to me or where I plan on moving after graduation. And his conversation hasn't been particularly intriguing so I'm not incredibly motivated to drive out and meet him. But he's there and if Turkey isn't interested, Ladder 3 is a possibility. Since I told myself I don't even want to date at all right now, pursuing two guys is just too much for the time being.

3. 1k
My sister randomly texted me that she found me a husband, but his wife left him with their baby so he might have some baggage. I figure I'm getting too old too be picky about silly things like children and tumultuous relationships from the past. So I went to church to meet him but he left right after the service so I didn't even see him. I'm going back home so I won't be able to go to church again till who knows when, but I have a feeling I'll be coming home a lot more this semester because all my current prospects live near my parents!

I've Got a History

Most kids have one of those kindergarten boyfriends they chase around the playground. Someone gets caught, there is an innocent kiss, and then sooner or later cooties breaks them up. Not me. Jamie told me he loved me when I was in the first grade. Everyone loved Jamie because he had a miniature record player. I turned red and avoided him. Sometimes I wonder if my life would have been different if I had just let Jamie catch me.

I was an awkward kid. Skinny, buck teeth, big glasses. Add braces and mosquito bites in a training bra and my junior high experience was just about as lonely as elementary school. I never had one of those fiery two week adolescent romances and was never once asked to a dance. Later I found out the boys were intimidated by me because I was so quiet and they didn't know what to expect from me.

When I was 17 I met my first love. He was a little shady at first--I would hear he was seeing other girls and he denied it. But eventually we fell in love, and for a time it was real. He started spending more and more time with his friends, we went through a break, and soon after I found out he cheated on me. I was devastated. After all those years of being ignored by boys, this was the icing on the cake. I HATED men, and I became Miss Independent. I bought a diamond ring because "I didn't need a man to put a ring on that finger." I guess I'm the one who is laughing now, because he went into a deep depression and started drinking, and I'm well on my way to success. I have no idea what ever happened to First Love.

I was angry for a long time, and I decided I would be the heart breaker. I would make guys fall for me and then break their hearts. That was the plan at least. Turns out when you're barely 20 guys aren't really interested in love. But I did like the attention. Enter slutty phase. I don't know how many one night stands I've had and I don't remember all their names. I do know my number is 21. It was fun but it was empty, and I have a lot of regrets. It was less about embracing my sexuality and more about those few hours I was that guy's world.

Eventually I started getting uncomfortable with my rising number and risks involved. A pregnancy scare is bad, but realizing you have no way to find the father is terrifying. I recently had a colposcopy and the doctor asked if I had a boyfriend. I said no and he said, "That's a shame. You deserve to be taken out to dinner after this." I should have been able to return to someone's loving arms after the hell of that procedure, but instead I went home and wrote a paper.

And that leads me to the courtship of Bunny Kid. I started dating again. After going after all those pretty boys, I decided I should be less shallow and date someone for his personality. I thought I was so benevolent for dating Party Boy. He was scrawny and had a big nose, but I saw through all that. Or maybe I just took enough shots to be able to feign attraction. Turns out dating someone because he is ugly is just as shallow as dating someone because he is hot. We didn't last long. Eventually he started ignoring me so I started flirting with other guys. He gave me a little "love tap" on the ass to show those guys who I belonged to. Only it really hurt. A lot. And that's where I drew the line.

I went through a couple years of first and last dates rolled into one. Then I ran into Frat Boy. He knew my sister so we started talking. I didn't know such a shallow people existed. I have known people to be attracted to shallow qualities, but this guy stopped at his shallow qualities. He was a hot body. He was an engineer. And that's where it pretty much stopped. Nothing he did or said had any depth to it, and I couldn't take his "I miss you" texts seriously because I don't think he was capable of really missing someone at all. We fizzled quickly.

And then came The One That Got Away. We met online, and I wasn't instantly attracted but when I was, I was in deep. He was a firefighter, and I've got a thing for those guys. It's not the man in uniform thing or the amazing body, but the fact that they have to live in a house full of dudes. To survive in that environment you have to be witty. Have you ever met a fireman without a sense of humor? We got along famously! We just clicked, and I thought, 'Wow, after all that trouble, it just happens so fast. So simple.' Too simple. Valentine's Day came and went and no word from him. I sent him a nasty, nasty email because I couldn't reach him any other way. He wrote back saying his mom needed emergency heart surgery and he completely shut down. I felt bad and gave him another chance and things seemed perfect again. Then one day I called him and he had moved an hour away. He got a job with another department and was going to be on season 3 of The Academy. I knew all this was coming but it was peculiar that he just up and moved without a goodbye. He became harder and harder to reach and eventually broke up with me. He said we could be friends after some time apart, so after I went to Thailand for a couple months I tried contacting him, but no response.

I tried to move on by going on a whirlwind of dates. I literally talked to hundreds of guys online. It became a chore and it was at this time I started having financial problems. I was dating Flower, and even though he threw up some major red flags I decided to keep seeing him in case I needed some "economic relief." And by red flags I mean he went through a major depression that he can't even remember and takes Nyquil to deal with any emotion other than happiness. I tolerated him as he just barely courted me. "Hanging out" is not a date, people!!! He worked for a flower company with endless supplies of free flowers...the most I got was some leftover chocolates. By this time I realized I could stand on my own two feet and gold digging just isn't my forte, so when he called one of my comments "naziesque" during a friendly debate I decided I'd had enough.

I just didn't have the energy to date anymore. I'm literally a starving student, and being underweight and unable to afford haircuts and acne medication does wonders for your self esteem. I can't offer to split a check and can maybe pencil you in two weeks from now after I'm done researching post traumatic stress disorder in rape victims. I'm not the happiest person after my client with borderline personality disorder tells me she's relapsed on meth again, but instead of destressing I have to study for tomorrow's exam. So I decided to quit dating until I finish school, especially since I'm planning to move after graduation. But then came Turkey...