Done

I did it. Broke up with The Artist. I did it over facebook chat because he started talking to me on there and I told him I wouldn't be going to his friends' tailgate party. Then I called him and we had a very silent phone conversation. I was crying the whole time and he cried a little bit. He said he doesn't want to be friends because he can't picture how a friendship with me would work. That's the part that I've been crying about for days. There was never a doubt that he's a great person. If I had known he was going to do this I would have waited just so I could see him one last time, have him in my life just a little longer. I feel like a friend of mine has died because I may very well never see him again. He kept saying 'I don't know if I can go through this again' or something like that, referring to how girls always see him as a friend. Well, I don't know if I can go through this again either. I still had a little oomph last time I posted, but feeling this extreme sadness changed things. I have cried in this room too many times over boys that didn't work out. And now I have to work up the nerve all over again, all for something that will most likely end in tears? How do people do it?

Well This is a First

The Artist asked me to be his girlfriend. I said I wasn't ready for a commitment. I've always felt a little unsure about my feelings for him. I didn't want to commit to him and lose out on time meeting other guys if I wasn't confident about us working out. So we kept dating and he has been perfect. But the feelings aren't there. I'm so angry because I found a guy who is caring, makes time for me, wants a commitment, wants to talk about feelings, is supportive, and accepts me just the way I am...but my heart just isn't in it. So I decided today that I need to end it with him, but it made me too sad. Sad for him, and sad for me because then I will be alone. I want to be able to hug him, so now I'm thinking I'll wait till I see him this weekend. I can't wait longer than that, though, because he is planning some surprise weekend for me and I don't want him to spend any more money on me now that I've figured out my feelings.

I love love love knowing that someone cares about me. I'm going to miss it so much. I was emailing a guy on Match, and was getting excited about him. Our emails were long and interesting, but then about a week and a half ago I sent him a response and never got one back. It's rare that I'll get excited about someone online, so that's a real bummer. I only have two more months of my membership. I only emailed 4 people last month, and you're required to email 5 in order to get 6 more months for free. I'll call and see if they'll give it to me anyway. Otherwise, I don't know what is next. Buy another 6 months? Try eharmony? Take a break? Look into matchmakers? I'm not giving up yet!!!

I've Got a History

Most kids have one of those kindergarten boyfriends they chase around the playground. Someone gets caught, there is an innocent kiss, and then sooner or later cooties breaks them up. Not me. Jamie told me he loved me when I was in the first grade. Everyone loved Jamie because he had a miniature record player. I turned red and avoided him. Sometimes I wonder if my life would have been different if I had just let Jamie catch me.

I was an awkward kid. Skinny, buck teeth, big glasses. Add braces and mosquito bites in a training bra and my junior high experience was just about as lonely as elementary school. I never had one of those fiery two week adolescent romances and was never once asked to a dance. Later I found out the boys were intimidated by me because I was so quiet and they didn't know what to expect from me.

When I was 17 I met my first love. He was a little shady at first--I would hear he was seeing other girls and he denied it. But eventually we fell in love, and for a time it was real. He started spending more and more time with his friends, we went through a break, and soon after I found out he cheated on me. I was devastated. After all those years of being ignored by boys, this was the icing on the cake. I HATED men, and I became Miss Independent. I bought a diamond ring because "I didn't need a man to put a ring on that finger." I guess I'm the one who is laughing now, because he went into a deep depression and started drinking, and I'm well on my way to success. I have no idea what ever happened to First Love.

I was angry for a long time, and I decided I would be the heart breaker. I would make guys fall for me and then break their hearts. That was the plan at least. Turns out when you're barely 20 guys aren't really interested in love. But I did like the attention. Enter slutty phase. I don't know how many one night stands I've had and I don't remember all their names. I do know my number is 21. It was fun but it was empty, and I have a lot of regrets. It was less about embracing my sexuality and more about those few hours I was that guy's world.

Eventually I started getting uncomfortable with my rising number and risks involved. A pregnancy scare is bad, but realizing you have no way to find the father is terrifying. I recently had a colposcopy and the doctor asked if I had a boyfriend. I said no and he said, "That's a shame. You deserve to be taken out to dinner after this." I should have been able to return to someone's loving arms after the hell of that procedure, but instead I went home and wrote a paper.

And that leads me to the courtship of Bunny Kid. I started dating again. After going after all those pretty boys, I decided I should be less shallow and date someone for his personality. I thought I was so benevolent for dating Party Boy. He was scrawny and had a big nose, but I saw through all that. Or maybe I just took enough shots to be able to feign attraction. Turns out dating someone because he is ugly is just as shallow as dating someone because he is hot. We didn't last long. Eventually he started ignoring me so I started flirting with other guys. He gave me a little "love tap" on the ass to show those guys who I belonged to. Only it really hurt. A lot. And that's where I drew the line.

I went through a couple years of first and last dates rolled into one. Then I ran into Frat Boy. He knew my sister so we started talking. I didn't know such a shallow people existed. I have known people to be attracted to shallow qualities, but this guy stopped at his shallow qualities. He was a hot body. He was an engineer. And that's where it pretty much stopped. Nothing he did or said had any depth to it, and I couldn't take his "I miss you" texts seriously because I don't think he was capable of really missing someone at all. We fizzled quickly.

And then came The One That Got Away. We met online, and I wasn't instantly attracted but when I was, I was in deep. He was a firefighter, and I've got a thing for those guys. It's not the man in uniform thing or the amazing body, but the fact that they have to live in a house full of dudes. To survive in that environment you have to be witty. Have you ever met a fireman without a sense of humor? We got along famously! We just clicked, and I thought, 'Wow, after all that trouble, it just happens so fast. So simple.' Too simple. Valentine's Day came and went and no word from him. I sent him a nasty, nasty email because I couldn't reach him any other way. He wrote back saying his mom needed emergency heart surgery and he completely shut down. I felt bad and gave him another chance and things seemed perfect again. Then one day I called him and he had moved an hour away. He got a job with another department and was going to be on season 3 of The Academy. I knew all this was coming but it was peculiar that he just up and moved without a goodbye. He became harder and harder to reach and eventually broke up with me. He said we could be friends after some time apart, so after I went to Thailand for a couple months I tried contacting him, but no response.

I tried to move on by going on a whirlwind of dates. I literally talked to hundreds of guys online. It became a chore and it was at this time I started having financial problems. I was dating Flower, and even though he threw up some major red flags I decided to keep seeing him in case I needed some "economic relief." And by red flags I mean he went through a major depression that he can't even remember and takes Nyquil to deal with any emotion other than happiness. I tolerated him as he just barely courted me. "Hanging out" is not a date, people!!! He worked for a flower company with endless supplies of free flowers...the most I got was some leftover chocolates. By this time I realized I could stand on my own two feet and gold digging just isn't my forte, so when he called one of my comments "naziesque" during a friendly debate I decided I'd had enough.

I just didn't have the energy to date anymore. I'm literally a starving student, and being underweight and unable to afford haircuts and acne medication does wonders for your self esteem. I can't offer to split a check and can maybe pencil you in two weeks from now after I'm done researching post traumatic stress disorder in rape victims. I'm not the happiest person after my client with borderline personality disorder tells me she's relapsed on meth again, but instead of destressing I have to study for tomorrow's exam. So I decided to quit dating until I finish school, especially since I'm planning to move after graduation. But then came Turkey...