Taming The Crazy

Will I ever be able to stop The Crazy?! I don't know that I've ever explained what I mean by The Crazy. It's that obsessive, anxious state I get in when I like a guy. The wheels start turning and I convince myself he's going to leave. I know it stems from my anxious attachment as a child. I was loved and never had one experience that even came close to abuse or neglect. But because of my inborn temperament and maybe my parents' anxiety, I was always anxious about my needs being met or our trust being broken. I learned not to express much emotion, which in turn made my parents have to guess what I needed from them. We weren't in tune, and so developed the anxious attachment. I KNOW this is why I am the way I am. I sort of know how to treat a person with attachment issues. But I haven't quite figured out how to solve this problem for myself.

The Crazy started to rear its head a bit this weekend. Chill told me he would come over on the 4th of July. I pictured a day rolling around in bed followed by fireworks (literal fireworks, not the mushy gushy orgasmic kind). But then he changes his mind and spends the day with his family. And out of nowhere the feelings hit me. I was pissed at him for flaking and then I started worrying that my feelings for him would get stronger, which will make things hurt more in the end. I thought about just quitting right then to prevent any future complications. And then I thought maybe I shouldn't have sex with him because sex releases chemicals that make you have stronger feelings for a person. But then I reminded myself that I haven't had sex in two and a half years due to my intense fear of HPV and cervical cancer, and thought, 'FUCK THAT SHIT I NEED TO GET LAID.' This led to my google search for how to suppress said chemicals and how to avoid falling in love. Turns out suppression of those chemicals is possible, but has only been tested on some little rodent things, so that's out. One psychiatrist said it might be possible by taking high doses of Prozac to numb all emotions. I'm already on a shit-ton of meds and I'm nowhere near numb so that lady needs to get her facts straight. It was comforting to know that a great deal of people have also searched for how to avoid falling in love, though. One response at http://www.experienceproject.com/question-answer/Is-It-Possible-To-Stop-Yourself-From-Falling-In-Love/1536 was very profound to me. User Duana said "it is possible to stop yourself from falling in love is [sic] because at the very heart of love is free will. If you can't stop it long enough to make your own choice about it- it is not really love- you are being swept away by something else." The reiteration that this is my choice brought back my sense of control and immediately relief swept over me. So, until next time, The Crazy has been abated :) Now I can go back to just being horny. I mentioned my sexual frustration in a text message convo with Chill. His response was 'sorry, I tend to take it slow...soooo prepare accordingly :)' WTF does that mean?! Rub it out before our dates? It's time for a wax? Go buy condoms?

So anyways, besides my constant fantasizing about my next contraction of HPV, my latest obsession has been...drum roll please...FERTILITY AWARENESS/NATURAL FAMILY PLANNING! So lame, right? But seriously, I find it absolutely fascinating. The fact that our bodies are constantly working to create life and the fact that I can become so attuned with what's going on in my body is just so friggin' amazing. I've learned so much about my body, and I love that there's this whole online community with a common set of acronyms. I'm jumping on the bandwagon and will be recording my basal body temperature and cervical mucus/position. I even bought some ovulation and pregnancy tests. I'm totally NOT planning/expecting/wanting a pregnancy, but I've been sexually active for ten years (um okay, maybe subtract the last two) and have never taken a pregnancy test. It just feels like it's an experience every woman has that I've missed out on. Which probably speaks to my awesomeness at protected sex, but I want to pee on a stick like all the other girls, damnit! Oh PS, I'm on Nuvaring (for acne) so my results won't be typical. I think it will be cool to compare with a friend of mine who isn't on birth control. Plus, sometimes I take acne medication that messes with birth control so I'll get a better idea of how that affects things.

Alright, one last thing. As I was watching trying to conceive vlogs, I stumbled upon a video of a girl's wedding. As soon as Canon started playing, my eyes welled up. I was hit with the fact that even though my mind is set on Plan B, my heart still truly wants Plan A. Chill is not so keen on marriage (his outlook seems very similar to Aaron Karo [http://www.ruminations.com/column/176]) and he is pretty much disgusted by babies. So even though I have a man-friend (which is what I'll call him forever because he thinks the "defining the relationship" conversation is silly and middle-schoolish because you should just know what the status is based on how the relationship is going [sidenote: I HATE when people say they're exclusive but not "boyfriend/girlfriend." They're one in the same, and I'm not going to be exclusive if you're afraid of titles...and no exclusivity means condoms EVERY TIME, including oral]). Bottom-line I still have some work to do to fully get over Plan A. Oy, somebody get me some Prozac.

Just an Update

I've been MIA on here because nothing has really been going on in my dating life. I put on my match profile that I don't have a subscription so some guys would just find me on facebook. Only one guy really ended up following through to the point of asking me out. So that's coming up next week. He seems dorky enough for me but my hopes def aren't up, and that's a GOOD thing because I go from being a stable, intelligent female to a psycho chick when I get all gaga over a guy. I want to slowly fall in love and I know that's how it should be, but it's hard to actually control it. I'll def update on how the date goes.

As for other news, I've been working as a drug counselor but the pay was shit so I found a new job. Right when I accepted that job, a place that had previously turned me down said a position opened up and gave me an offer. I decided to stick with the one I accepted and I start as a therapist in August!

My friend just got married yesterday. I'm so happy for her because the situation just seems so right. With my BFF's wedding, we all knew it was headed for divorce and we hated him, so it was difficult to be happy. It was basically a drunkfest that ended in family feud that ended the reception early. With my sister's wedding, I had doubts because she was so young, plus I was oozing with jealousy because I'm the oldest. I think you can see into the marriage by how the couple acts at their wedding. I have never seen my friend so happy than when she was looking into her new husband's eyes during their first dance. I want the fancy party and all the gifts and attention, of course, but more than anything I want that moment when you're looking into each others' eyes and it's like you're the only two people on Earth. Unfortunately, I did not get to enjoy all their special moments because I had heat exhaustion. The ceremony was outdoors and it was over 100 degrees and no shade on the seats. I had already spent hours getting ready in the heat because the AC in this house SUCKS and doesn't cool the top half of the house. Plus I was on my period. So by the time the ceremony actually started, everyone was feeling pretty miserable. My mouth and lips got super dry so I drank a bottle of water. Then my heart started pounding and I was thinking WTF am I nervous about?? I also noticed I was shaking when holding the camera up. Then I started feeling woozy and couldn't even stand when the bride walked down the aisle. But I'm a baby about everything so I just thought I was being too sensitive. Till I vomited DURING THE CEREMONY. It was only a little bit and nobody really noticed and I had been waiting years to see this ceremony so I decided to stay there. I fanned myself off and tried to watch but my vision was going spotty and I couldn't keep my eyes open. The only thing worse than missing this girl's ceremony would be ruining it so I decided if I was going to die she should at least get to wait till after she walks back up the aisle to find out. So I walked out of the ceremony area behind a hedge and threw up again. A friend's mom noticed me walking away looking very pale so she came to check on me. She asked if I was ok but I couldn't talk and just tried to shake my head and get some words out. "It's hot" were some of the words and I was thinking about not being ok and needing an ambulance but I don't know what else I said, if anything. I don't even think she could understand me but she saw me flopping my hand like it was a fan so she fanned me off and got a staff member to drive me inside. They got me ice water and crackers and when the ceremony ended another friend's mom sat by me to make sure I was ok. My nurse friend was in the bridal party taking pictures so she didnt get my text asking what I should do. I felt so scared because I didn't know if this was something serious or something princess (which is usually the case with me, but I KNOW when I'm being princess). And everyone was busy with wedding stuff so they either didn't know or were too busy to care that I was sick. When they were done nurse friend took my pulse and said as long as I'm drinking fluids and out of the heat, then just pay attention to how I feel. Another friend was wasted so she shoved a gummy bear in my mouth...guess she thought I had low blood sugar?? So I ended up missing the cocktail hour because I was sitting on a couch drinking water. I had two more glasses of water and a salad before I got my energy back. It was really amazing how in such a short span of time I could go from truly thinking I might die to being ready to party. I asked a nurse and a doctor what they would tell a patient, and they both said don't drink alcohol, but to a friend they would say drink alcohol and if you start feeling bad again then stop. So I decided on vodka sodas so half of each drink would be water. The rest of the night was a blast!

When I got home today (after someone randomly gave us their hotel room, which we drunkenly thought was amazing, but when we woke up we realized we were stranded at some hotel. My dad ended up driving 30mins there and back to get us home) I looked up heat exhaustion to find out more about it. It's basically when your body can't cool itself down enough. I had all the symptoms: heavy sweating, feeling weak and/or confused, dizziness, nausea, headache, fast heartbeat. If you don't take care of yourself, then this can lead to heat stroke which is when the internal body reaches 104 degrees. By the time I realized things were going nowhere good, I had these symptoms of heat stroke: dizziness, lack of sweating, muscle weakness, nausea, vomiting, fast heartbeat, feeling confused, anxious, and disoriented. Heat stroke can lead to seizures and death because basically your body is an oven cooking up some delicious organic treats. But seriously, now knowing about how serious this thing was, I can't believe that everyone treated it so lightly. One mom thought I had been drinking and the event staff gave me a water and then went on with their business. What if I just keeled over in your beautiful country club?

I was so embarrassed that I got sick and all the old people lived through the ceremony just fine. I read that antidepressants can make you more susceptible to heat illness...and my acne med blatantly says DON'T GO IN THE SUN so maybe that's why it happened to me and no one else. Maybe no one else realizes the severity and still thinks I'm being a dainty little princess. But honestly, it made me realize how delicate I am and how delicate life is...and how much I want someone who I know without a doubt will come running if he hears I'm not ok, and then stay by my side until I am.

Something to Look Forward To

Every year around New Year's Day and my birthday I start thinking about all I wanted to have accomplished by this age, and how much I have actually accomplished. The two never end up matching and then I get depressed. This year I was thinking about how even at the latest I always wanted to be married by 26. And now that I am 26, I realize how young that really is, but it still makes me nervous that I haven't even met this future husband guy. I know I sound like all the other 20- and 30-something bloggers who worry about being single, but it's such a real concern. We are at that point in our lives which we face intimacy versus isolation, and the latter just sounds so unfun. We're inundated by engagement/wedding/baby announcements (especially now with facebook) as our precious eggs die lonely deaths each month. You don't necessarily have to get married and start a family to get through this crisis--each person has his or her own way of achieving intimacy. But what I truly want is to settle down with someone for life, a best friend to stick it through for better or for worse, and then look back and laugh with them when things go for worse. I have always wanted children, and no matter what options I consider, raising them with a husband and father is always the best. I guess at some point you accept that you might be single for good and learn to love it, but I'm nowhere near acceptance. No, closer to freaking out, which probably lowers my chances significantly.

So anyways, on to the good news. Turkey sent me an email saying he would be in town visiting friends and invited me to dinner and drinks with them! I hadn't heard from him in a bit and was getting a little down thinking about how long it would take to even let him know I'm interested. So I think him making sure to email me ahead of time and invite me is a good sign. Things should be a little more relaxed without my entire family around, too. Sooo even though I try not to get my hopes up and start creating a false fantasy in my head, I will be honest and admit that I'm really hoping for a kiss :) But I'd be happy with flirting. In reality, though, unless he lets me know he is definitely not interested, I'm going to come out of this weekend with even more questions. It kind of reminds me of The Fear You Won't Fall by Joshua Radin.