January Air

I survived another birthday! It was looking like I might actually have a happy birthday about a week prior, and I was allowing myself to enjoy January for the first time in my double-digit life. I had plans to go snowboarding and stay at my friend's cabin with a group of people, including Spongebob. I expected him to cancel after he lost his job, so it meant a lot that he was willing to drop a few bucks to celebrate my birthday with me.

And then the clouds rolled in. Literally. The Weather Channel said so. Rain was expected for the weekend so I decided I wouldn't go up to the cabin. But then my friend was upset because her parents did not rent out the cabin this weekend specifically so we could go there for my birthday. I felt bad so I said I would go, despite feeling very anxious about driving in that weather. I planned on packing the night before and leaving work early the next day. If only the weather was the worst of my problems.

My client attempted suicide during our session. It was a chaotic scene involving pills, yelling, crying, vomiting, sirens, and way too many professionals for me to keep track of. I spent some time with her in the hospital afterward, and she was completely fine. But something so chaotic can never be that simple. The aftermath didn't start till the next morning, the day I was leaving for the cabin. There were more professionals to talk to and everything had to be documented. The mother started calling supervisors at my agency, saying I triggered the suicide attempt and was trying to put the girl in a residential/inpatient setting. I started to get what will surely be only the beginning of questioning. I left work later than I had planned, and it was then that I left the numb "did this really just happen?" state I had been in. I started to cry, and then sob. I started to think about the possible consequences, like being fired or sued or having this on my record. I started to think about death, and life, and the people I love, and my own suicidal thoughts. If life were really beautiful, then I would have saved a life. But life is difficult and unfair, and this is what the reality of the situation is turning out to be: Something about my presence led a girl to attempt to kill herself. The fact that she is alive doesn't matter; we have rescuers, doctors, and fate to thank for that. And this isn't MY reality, but it's the reality that matters, the one that determines my fate. When it's me against a parent, the community's opinion of the agency is what matters. Things have never settled in my favor, and in this case we're dealing with life and death. I really don't know how I'm going to handle this, but I also don't know where to go with my career instead.

When Spongebob showed up, I was still in tears and there was no stopping them. Although I could tell he felt awkward, he handled it beautifully. Over the course of the weekend, I was able to explain that not only was it traumatic to witness a suicide attempt, but I was also worried that this could be the end of my career. It's possible that I could be sued, fired, unlicensable, and unhireable in this field, worst case scenario. I really wanted him to know that I'm not always a basket case (even if it's not the truth). I'm not going to be able to hide it forever, so I guess it's better that he see it now so we can both avoid a time wasted.

I decided to have a birthday do-over the next day since I was so miserable and stressed on the day of. Spongebob and the friends were really cute and supportive of it. We drank all day, which led to this conversation in bed between an obliterated me and pretty damn sober Spongebob:
Me: "We should be friends forever. Please don't fade me out. We can go back to how it used to be, where we would randomly text and see each other. It doesn't have to be awkward."
Spongebob: "Stop. Stop talking about that."
I laid there quietly and thought about how despite my efforts to be happy this winter, here I was again having another sad January. I thought about my grandma and how much I miss her and wondered if it's really a blessing that her birth, death, the new year, and my birthday all come in January. If these things were spread out, I'd be thinking about the anniversary of shitty things all year long. It's best that I can just get it all out of the way and get on with my year. But HOW will I handle losing Spongebob? I was too drunk to imagine it. I fumbled around in the bathroom for awhile and then went back to bed. "I hope you at least had fun this weekend," he said...his voice sounded sad and sorry. "Yeahmmffh," I snuggled up to him and he squeezed me. "I like you a lot," I whispered. "I like you, too."

The next day we were back to normal. But I can't help thinking that I'm such a terrible, fucked up, inconvenience to him. Part of me wants to push away just so he can have a better chance at happiness, but part of me hopes that deep down he's just as fucked up as me so he might stay with me.

What if 2012 is Amazing?

I haven't had an amazing year since 2006. I don't know, I'm just judging by my facebook timeline. Ever since I was little, I'd get depressed at this time of year. I was sad the holidays were over and I didn't know when I'd see my extended family again. I've just never been the type to say 'this year will be different' and decide to make a bunch of changes along with the rest of the world. So I'm def not saying I think 2012 will be different, but what if it is?

New Year's Eve was definitely amazing! Spongebob and I went to my friend's potluck and then to a party. We drank Veuve Clicqot and shotgunned weed. My friend asked us if we would kiss at midnight and I said, "Well I guess we'll have to," which was sufficiently awkward, but took away all awkwardness at kissing time...until she sprayed silly string on us mid-kiss. We stumbled home at about 5AM and had some more fun ;) He asked for head but I reminded him of my no casual sex rule. We spent the next day recovering together.

Today he was laid off :( He doesn't know this, but I cried for him. I forgot what it's like to care...to not be obsessed and anxious and preoccupied with what my next move will be...but just to have my heart feel for another person. It's totally different than empathy during therapy. I said I'd be there for him, and he offered to take me to dinner. I think he's being a little too positive at a time like this, and were he a client I would pry a little. Then again, he's never really had to worry about money, so maybe he means it when he calls this an opportunity.

I've been so caught up in finding a boyfriend that I just realized I don't really know how to be a girlfriend! So here's to being a girlfriend in 2012 :)

I Seem to Have Forgotten a Few Things

I just realized that I forgot a HUGE detail in my first post--Spongebob! This was when I was about 20 and in my slutty phase. I guess I didn't include him because it was only a pseudo-relationship. That's literally what we agreed upon and what we called it. We held hands, cuddled, fucked, watched cartoons, got drunk, went out with each others' friends...he was actually more of a relationship than most of my relationships. Only we didn't go on dates, we didn't get in fights, and we never broke up. Eventually we distanced from each other and he got a girlfriend and I stopped having casual sex, but to this day we're still friends. It all started when my sister had a crush on him in college, and one day I responded when he popped up on her AIM (yeah, we're OG). We chatted ALL the time and one night we randomly decided to meet up. I don't know what ever happened with my sister in all this...but he was at her wedding so I guess it doesn't matter :) We've met each others' families, go to the same church, and my brother ended up joining his fraternity so they're friends now, too. It all sounds VERY small town and none of this would be relevant had it actually happened in a small town. Anyways, neither of us have been in a serious relationship in awhile and he recently said we should go on a practice date. I laughed it off and said our pseudo-relationship got complicated in the past. See, he doesn't know it but I developed feelings for him at one point. I was sort of freaked out and embarrassed by it, and that's just a no-no with fuck buddies so nobody knows this. Usually one person starts to have feelings and since that person was me I figured he couldn't. Plus he was a fuck-up and I didn't want to date him :P He was very frat boy at the time and I am two years older than him. But now he has a career and has calmed down...

Another boy I forgot is Nicky! Hi Nick :) We met on match.com and became friends. We should be featured in one of their ads!!! Well now he is ENGAGED--YAY! But I have a feeling Mrs. Nicky isn't so into me...which brings me to another thing I forgot. I am hot. I really talk myself down on here and it has been difficult to watch myself age, but really guys, I could have been a part time model (please google part time model if that doesn't ring a bell). Right now I am not even full time doing anything, though, because I just got LASIK. Google image subconjunctival hemorrhage and imagine staring at that for your therapy hour, sooo I'm taking some time off. Even if these kids are being paid for by MediCal I still don't think they deserve to look at that. I would have waited till after the holidays had I known this would happen because taking sick time is seen as a MAJOR WEAKNESS and billing is tight this time of year. I also would have pumped up my billing before the surgery, but I just sort of got impatient and jumped into it. I think down the line I'll be very happy with it because my vision is incredible and the halos/dry eye aren't really happening. I just get so scared I'm going to wake up or rub my eye and it will all be gone!!! I was actually very depressed afterward because I look like a zombie (a hot zombie) and it's such a strange change to go through.

Ok, so Youtube. He ended up being incredibly narcissistic...and I'm talking personality disordered narcissistic. This guy talked about himself for hours while I had an asthma attack. I probably should have told him I needed to go home to get my inhaler, but he could have asked! We just sort of faded out, which is ok...but now how will I get to his hotter, funnier Youtube friends?

And lastly, I have a new obsession: The Hunger Games. OMG. Lord of the Flies meets Brave New World meets AWESOME. I got an audible.com account and I'm out of credits so I have to wait for books 2 and 3. I'm excited to be into one of these tween book/movie/saga sensations. I just wasn't into Harry Potter and Twilight absolutely disgusts me. Lord of the Rings confuckingfused me. I guess I have a thing for all out bloodbaths because Kill Bill is one of my faves. I also find the dynamics of the psyche in a dystopian fight to the death incredibly intriguing. Oh, and I'm calling a Liam Hemsworth/Miley Cyrus breakup now that he's got his big break.

Place Your Bets

How does it end? Soon to come...

Go Figure

Soooo remember how I never wanted to date again because my sad heart can't take it anymore? Well, somehow I'm dating again. It was an accident! I was perusing okcupid, I guess to guage my readiness to date again, because I really do want to meet someone at some point. But I had planned on going to therapy and maybe working out some of my man issues first. Some guys messaged me, and one of them caught my eye...and my sense of humor. I was having fun just emailing but then he wanted to call me. And then he wanted to go out with me. I felt like it would have been rude to lure this guy in and then just disappear, so I agreed to meet him. I figured we wouldn't have chemistry and would just be friends, which would greatly benefit me as he has some somewhat famous connections (and I desperately need friends). We went to a wine bar and were going to order some appetizers, but before we knew it hours had passed and they were closing. I found myself in the Carl's Jr. drive-thru WAY too late on a work night thinking, "What the heck did I just get myself into?"

We shall call him Youtube. I knew I liked him when he told me he signs his receipts with pictures of penises. I don't know why he likes me because I've been a dorky, ditzy, broken out hot mess lately, but it seems like he likes me. We went out again and stayed up till 5:00AM...and my pants never came off :) Good thing I enjoyed it because when I tried to leave my car had been towed. He took me to pick it up and it had two more parking tickets on the windshield. FML. Though I handled it quite gracefully, I must say. And I can probably get through a couple more dates without offering to pay after he watched me shell out that cash ;)

I don't really know what my strategy is this time around. I've tried suppressing my hopes for the future and ended up getting hurt anyway. Right now I'm tempted to just let myself have that fairy tale fantasy because either way it's fun to daydream. So I guess my strategy is enjoy it while it lasts...and then stalk his videos after it's over.

From My Rotting Body Flowers Shall Grow

I've been crying for 27 years. I'm not sure when it switched from crying because I was hungry to crying because I hated myself. I wonder how soon self-hatred can begin, because I feel like it's always been there, like it's a part of me. I hated that I was shy. I hated that I was naughty. I hated my clothes. I hated that I didn't know what to do to fit in. I hated that I was smart, but I felt dumb. I hated my voice, my teeth, my bones, the bags under my eyes, the breasts that didn't grow. The things I created, the love that I gave that was never enough--if my awkward hands touched it, my small mouth spoke it, or my simple mind thought it, then it must be terrible just like me. I cried over all these things. But that wasn't enough so I cried longer and harder. I cried the air out of my lungs in the shower till all the hot water was gone. And when I looked in the mirror at my pink, puffy face, I cried at how ugly my crying made me. Eventually the words weren't giving me what I deserved. So the razor did. The first time I cut myself was on my hip bones. Those horrible, jutting, bony, ugly hip bones. I felt bad for people who had to look at me, and every time my pants rubbed against my wounds, justice was being served. But then the guilt would set in for doing something so disgusting. Eventually this was all too much and I decided it was time to go. Vodka, pills, and a long vertical incision in a hot bath was the plan. I traced the veins in my arms, imagining what it would be like to actually go through with it. My self-hatred might be the thing that saved me--I told myself I was too stupid to actually make it work. I don't know what my mom said to me, but I'll never forget the moment I blurted out, "Do you know I know the exact way I want to die?" My parents sat me down and talked to me, and all I can remember was my dad telling me he'd do anything for me.

I am the most precious, invaluable thing on this earth. Simply being born made me that way. I am someone's child, and to take that away would cause the most unimaginable pain. So for now, that keeps me here. I deal with the pain and loneliness and sadness because ending it for me wouldn't really be ending it; it would just be giving it to them. So here I am at 27, still crying. I don't remember what I did on my 27th birthday. I didn't tell people it was my birthday, and for a few months I thought I was 28. Still, when people ask me, I start to say 28. Although I've thought about it a lot I can't figure out why this little nuance happened. But in thinking about it I realized I can't imagine being 29. Sure, 28. But when imagining the future, it doesn't go past there. The feeling runs so deep that if I hit 29 I will be genuinely confused. It's so strong that I couldn't write that sentence with "when" instead of "if." Maybe next year I'll start going backwards like Benjamin Button. I'll go all the way back to the moment that little seed of hate started growing, say, "You're beautiful," and maybe even feel happy.

Never Saw This One Coming

It was hard to fight my feelings for Chill. Even though I knew he was wrong for me and wasn't giving me what I needed, I just liked being liked. I slept with him, and I planned on avoiding the cuddle to prevent further attachment, but those feelings in my heart just felt so good. I was worried that things were ending because our contacts had declined, but I always worry things are ending so it seemed normal. I called him before I went on vacation and we had an average conversation. While I was away, I forwarded him the birth control reminder text I had signed up for. It was cheesy, something like "water balloon fights get you wet which means you have to take your clothes off. Put in your nuvaring and toss one at the guy you like." He texted back 'yaaaa no thanks' so I said "uh ok fine I'll keep em on" thinking he might be referring to the lameness of it and that he'd text back about wanting me to take my clothes off. But this is what I got back: "dont waste the ring either lol". And that my friends, was how I got dumped this time. I tried calling but he texted that he couldn't talk now because he was working and then had an early flight. Because I still didn't understand what was happening, I continued to text and call over the next couple days. Since he didn't respond, I knew he had ditched me so I just wanted some kind of closure. I called his work this morning, which finally prompted him to give me the closure I needed in the form of this text: "Really? Tracking down my work number-after me being very obvious that I do not want to continue talking to/seeing you? That is CRAZY. There is NOTHING going on, clearly. And if it still isn't clear: Do not write me, do not call me, do not text me, do not stalk me on linkedin, and do not send anything to my work. If you are looking for an explanation, I simply do not see any kind of future for us, EVER. I'm sorry, but that's it." WOW. I don't think I've ever had anyone be so MEAN. I've been hurt more than a few times, but the guys have always given me an honest explanation and felt bad about it.

I can't stop crying. I'm so hurt. I've been hurt so many times. I wish this whole experience would have just confirmed that I really do want to remain single, but actually it's done the opposite. I realized that I do want a husband and children. I want to be loved more than anything, and I have so much love to give. But to find that means risking this pain all over again God knows how many times, and I really don't think I can handle it. And I REALLY mean that. My boss let me leave work today because I burst into tears with her, and I can't imagine how I'm going to go in tomorrow. Here is something I wrote in my journal last night: "I closed my eyes on the freeway today. I could feel the car moving as the sun seeped through my eyelids. The tears pushed and burned to get out. I want to die. I want to die so bad but I just can't do it. I don't know if it's fear or hope keeping me alive, but it's only a thread."

I've been thinking about finding a therapist, but now I've reached that point where I know without a doubt I need help. I'm seriously thinking about calling my psychiatrist to see if I can get some time off work. I went off Paxil because I thought it might be giving me sexual side effects, but maybe I need to be on it because I haven't been able to fight off this depression. For now, my mommy will have to do. My friends have been so supportive, but I feel like I just need to be near my mom.