This Blog Should be Called Thoughts on Dating...on Ambien

So fiiiinnnnaaallly I have time to write. Always after popping a tiny sleeping pill. I just had a blah day today. It's because yesterday I had heat exhaustion at the fair, which was quite embarrassing with all the paramedics around me. It was also a realization that if this happens every other month, there is some sort of problem. I don't have health insurance till December, so I'm just going to stay out of the sun till then. I should have went to the first aid room at the fair because I could get some free vital sign readings. Oh well, I scored some tylenol. Anyways, serious stuff makes me think about serious stuff. A colleague died at only 22 years old. She went to work like any other day and then BOOM brain dead. I could have been going to the fair like any other day and then BOOM. And at this point in my life I am SO NOT READY TO GO!!! I figured out it will take me 6 years to get my social work license at this job. That means I can have kids at age 32. Pretty good age. Gives me plenty of time to find a man, enjoy him, train him, er learn to communicate properly within marriage. The clock has been ticking but now it's getting LOUDER!

Chill is back to school for his MBA and got promoted (without a raise, of course) so he travels basically everyday he isn't at school. Add in homework, and no time for me. We have texted/chatted a couple times, but I think it's over. He bores me anyway. SUCH a sweetie, though. Seattle never called me after our date. I didn't feel any sparks and I'm used to it by now, so there wasn't an ounce of sadness! Go me with the emotion regulation!!! A few guys have been calling to set up dates so I will try my best to follow up. I have a life so blogging is hard! One guy called me and said, "Well, I decided I would be bold and make a reservation for tomorrow night at 7PM." WOW, buddy, that's bold. You should be an assassin or some sort of undercover ops spy. He was sooo dry and lame and didn't make me laugh or even try to make me comfortable. So I said tomorrow won't work so let me get back to you when I know my schedule for next week. My schedule always changes so I never know it till after it happens, and I'm sure he wouldn't want to be troubled with the past.

So it's been slim pickings on the old match.com. Not too impressed right now. Maybe it will get better toward couples season. Hopefully we have a cold winter and the big spoons start looking for their little spoon. I call little spoon ;)

PS Ambien induced movie idea: Babysitters club should have a reunion. Mary Anne and Logan had a ton of kids and are now going through a custody battle. Kristy has gone straight lesbo and wants to adopt a child with her partner, but face judgment everywhere they go. Stacy can't conceive because of her diabetes, so she hires a surrogate who ends up teaching her important life lessons. Claudia is now sober after raving in her early twenties and her fashion line has exploded after a recent feature in Vogue magazine. Something is missing, though, so she takes a trip to her home country and meets a baby girl she is determined not to leave without. Babysitters Club: The Reunion...what happens when the babysitters want babies of their own?

Bisou Bisou

Of course he called me! And of course we went on a date and he kissed me at the end! Because I'm awesome, and why wouldn't he? :P We've been chatting/texting and he canceled his plans with his brother to have sushi with me. I was suuuuper nervous because this was sort of a make or break date since he hadn't put ANY moves on me. So I didn't have an appetite and looked like a loser girl who doesn't eat on dates. W/e he's seen me stuff my face the past two so he knows what's up. After dinner, we stood in the parking lot talking for about two hours. I acted all cold so he would put his arm around me but NOTHING. Then finally when we hugged goodbye he went for it. Jeezus kid! Sooo he seems like not a jerk so I believe him when he says he'll call me after his trip. I really like this thing because I'm not going crazy--I know I like him but I still want to find out more. It's slow and it's fun and hopefully I get to enjoy it for awhile. His birthday is coming up, though, and I HATE when you first meet a guy and his birthday or Christmas comes. I'm thinking I'll just text him. I made Ladder 1 cupcakes for his bday (I took them to his super bowl party so it wasn't a huge deal) and he ended up thinking I was moving too fast. That probably had more to do with me giving it up to him too soon and calling too much than the cupcakes but I'm traumatized nonetheless. I think these past traumas are helping me now, though, because I know to move slower and if a guy does end up leaving me he isn't taking my heart and secrets with him.

Second (and probably last) Date

Chill and I went to lunch and a movie today (I don't think I've referred to him by name before, so Chill is the guy from the last post). It was whatever. I like him, but I just wasn't on today. I realized how much Turkey impacted me, though. I've retreated into my shell, so terrified of putting myself out there again. And I feel like flirting and letting on that I like a guy is the kiss of death. There was no physical contact aside from the hello hug--when he left he just said he'd call me this week. So now I'm feeling all down the day before my first day at my new job. Whatever.

Here We Go Again

Oh noes. I went on my date. And I like him. I guess that's good because it was a long date so it would have been awkward if I didn't like him. Hopefully it wasn't awkward for him the whole time :/ He said he would call me so we can go out again but that's what they all say. Anyways, when I like a guy I obsess and that makes me think of reasons he doesn't like me and that makes me depressed. So when I have no guy to worry about I'm a happy, independent female. But it looks like now I'm going back to anxious, depressed psycho. I'm scared because I was so hurt with Turkey and that was just a crush! But I recovered fine and now we're cool. Another thing is I can't seem to control is my thoughts about marriage!!! I want to just hang out with this guy and not worry about if I'm going to marry him, but then if the guy is potentially great enough to marry how could I not think about that?? Bleh.

Just an Update

I've been MIA on here because nothing has really been going on in my dating life. I put on my match profile that I don't have a subscription so some guys would just find me on facebook. Only one guy really ended up following through to the point of asking me out. So that's coming up next week. He seems dorky enough for me but my hopes def aren't up, and that's a GOOD thing because I go from being a stable, intelligent female to a psycho chick when I get all gaga over a guy. I want to slowly fall in love and I know that's how it should be, but it's hard to actually control it. I'll def update on how the date goes.

As for other news, I've been working as a drug counselor but the pay was shit so I found a new job. Right when I accepted that job, a place that had previously turned me down said a position opened up and gave me an offer. I decided to stick with the one I accepted and I start as a therapist in August!

My friend just got married yesterday. I'm so happy for her because the situation just seems so right. With my BFF's wedding, we all knew it was headed for divorce and we hated him, so it was difficult to be happy. It was basically a drunkfest that ended in family feud that ended the reception early. With my sister's wedding, I had doubts because she was so young, plus I was oozing with jealousy because I'm the oldest. I think you can see into the marriage by how the couple acts at their wedding. I have never seen my friend so happy than when she was looking into her new husband's eyes during their first dance. I want the fancy party and all the gifts and attention, of course, but more than anything I want that moment when you're looking into each others' eyes and it's like you're the only two people on Earth. Unfortunately, I did not get to enjoy all their special moments because I had heat exhaustion. The ceremony was outdoors and it was over 100 degrees and no shade on the seats. I had already spent hours getting ready in the heat because the AC in this house SUCKS and doesn't cool the top half of the house. Plus I was on my period. So by the time the ceremony actually started, everyone was feeling pretty miserable. My mouth and lips got super dry so I drank a bottle of water. Then my heart started pounding and I was thinking WTF am I nervous about?? I also noticed I was shaking when holding the camera up. Then I started feeling woozy and couldn't even stand when the bride walked down the aisle. But I'm a baby about everything so I just thought I was being too sensitive. Till I vomited DURING THE CEREMONY. It was only a little bit and nobody really noticed and I had been waiting years to see this ceremony so I decided to stay there. I fanned myself off and tried to watch but my vision was going spotty and I couldn't keep my eyes open. The only thing worse than missing this girl's ceremony would be ruining it so I decided if I was going to die she should at least get to wait till after she walks back up the aisle to find out. So I walked out of the ceremony area behind a hedge and threw up again. A friend's mom noticed me walking away looking very pale so she came to check on me. She asked if I was ok but I couldn't talk and just tried to shake my head and get some words out. "It's hot" were some of the words and I was thinking about not being ok and needing an ambulance but I don't know what else I said, if anything. I don't even think she could understand me but she saw me flopping my hand like it was a fan so she fanned me off and got a staff member to drive me inside. They got me ice water and crackers and when the ceremony ended another friend's mom sat by me to make sure I was ok. My nurse friend was in the bridal party taking pictures so she didnt get my text asking what I should do. I felt so scared because I didn't know if this was something serious or something princess (which is usually the case with me, but I KNOW when I'm being princess). And everyone was busy with wedding stuff so they either didn't know or were too busy to care that I was sick. When they were done nurse friend took my pulse and said as long as I'm drinking fluids and out of the heat, then just pay attention to how I feel. Another friend was wasted so she shoved a gummy bear in my mouth...guess she thought I had low blood sugar?? So I ended up missing the cocktail hour because I was sitting on a couch drinking water. I had two more glasses of water and a salad before I got my energy back. It was really amazing how in such a short span of time I could go from truly thinking I might die to being ready to party. I asked a nurse and a doctor what they would tell a patient, and they both said don't drink alcohol, but to a friend they would say drink alcohol and if you start feeling bad again then stop. So I decided on vodka sodas so half of each drink would be water. The rest of the night was a blast!

When I got home today (after someone randomly gave us their hotel room, which we drunkenly thought was amazing, but when we woke up we realized we were stranded at some hotel. My dad ended up driving 30mins there and back to get us home) I looked up heat exhaustion to find out more about it. It's basically when your body can't cool itself down enough. I had all the symptoms: heavy sweating, feeling weak and/or confused, dizziness, nausea, headache, fast heartbeat. If you don't take care of yourself, then this can lead to heat stroke which is when the internal body reaches 104 degrees. By the time I realized things were going nowhere good, I had these symptoms of heat stroke: dizziness, lack of sweating, muscle weakness, nausea, vomiting, fast heartbeat, feeling confused, anxious, and disoriented. Heat stroke can lead to seizures and death because basically your body is an oven cooking up some delicious organic treats. But seriously, now knowing about how serious this thing was, I can't believe that everyone treated it so lightly. One mom thought I had been drinking and the event staff gave me a water and then went on with their business. What if I just keeled over in your beautiful country club?

I was so embarrassed that I got sick and all the old people lived through the ceremony just fine. I read that antidepressants can make you more susceptible to heat illness...and my acne med blatantly says DON'T GO IN THE SUN so maybe that's why it happened to me and no one else. Maybe no one else realizes the severity and still thinks I'm being a dainty little princess. But honestly, it made me realize how delicate I am and how delicate life is...and how much I want someone who I know without a doubt will come running if he hears I'm not ok, and then stay by my side until I am.

Single. Homeless. Unemployed.

Does it get any worse than that? I'm not really homeless because I'm moving in with my parents but I am more of a guest here now. Not the type of guest you lay clean towels out and make breakfast for but more the type of guest that you wish would leave. So I'm considering this my temporary address and staying as long as I have to. It is nice to know I have family to fall back on, though, because without them I really would be homeless. This job market is very scary. I'm spending hours applying to places that aren't hiring. And I'm just so incredibly jealous of everyone else who isn't me. Most people I'm graduating with have a second income so it's ok if they're unemployed for a bit. And after spending a day on the hunt, there's someone to cozy up with and take a break. But it's just me and this stack of resumes, and that guilty feeling that I'm not doing enough to find a job if I allow myself to stop. I need to take a pill to make my body shut down and just stop thinking. And in those 30 minutes from swallow to slumber I feel happy. "They" say it takes 3-6 months to find a job, which I don't understand. If I don't find a job in a week or so, I'm applying at McDonald's for God's sake. Well maybe not that exact establishment, but somewhere I'm way overqualified for just to make a few bucks. Do they really mean it takes 3-6 months to find a job that meets your qualifications and pays what you are asking? I wish they would be more clear, because if they mean it takes 3-6 months to find any place in the world that is willing to pay you minimum wage then that's depressing.

Anyway, more on my jealousy. A good friend of mine who I commiserate with about all the single stuff just got a boyfriend. Like literally overnight. They dated 6 years ago and drifted apart because she is super scared of intimacy, but the guy has kept in contact after all these years. And then they started hanging out after he broke up with his girlfriend and now they're together and talking about a wedding next year. WTF? And I don't know why this upsets me so much...I guess it just reminds me of how selfish mankind is and how hard it is to find people who truly, truly care (I define love as caring for someone more than yourself), and how really you can only depend on yourself: This friend was waiting till marriage to have sex. And they did it. Imagine that, 25 years and bam, it's gone, nothing special. And he knew she was waiting, she told him when they met and she told him time and time again when things started going too far. And she says she should have stopped him, but in her moment of weakness if he truly, truly cared about her more than he cared for himself then he wouldn't have taken that from her. I'm actually pro-premarital sex but it's just the principle. So I in no way approve of this guy but I have to meet him at her graduation and pretend to be nice. Except she just told me she is trying to get extra tickets so now I'm "maybe" invited. She gave my ticket to HIM. Lovely. Such is the life, coming second. So I don't know how much of this is actually disapproval or jealousy. She just got a job offer with the highest entry level pay around and has a guy who showers her with gifts and affection and a plan for the future. Everything I ever wanted...so how could I disapprove of that?

I've been trolling the dating sites again. Only this time in the L.A. area. It's amazing how much more douchey, ghetto, and loserish guys can get just by moving your search radius. To be fair, though, I've been looking on Okcupid because I can't afford Match. And even the decent Okcupid guys in San Diego were slim pickings. This time around, I'm going to make it less of a hunt and try to just have fun with it. When I did it in August I had multiple dates a week and couldn't keep track of all the men I was talking to. It was exhausting and I never looked forward to going out. I was just going out with them to prove to myself and all the people that say I'm too picky that I was giving guys a chance. But now I know I'd rather sit on my computer and bitch than hang out with people I'm not attracted to and constantly have to figure out how to get myself out of the little relationships I've gotten myself into. So this time if I feel something I'll try it out in person, while spending time on myself and with my friends, and maybe meeting people in "real" life too. Ok, meeting people in "real" life is actually kind of a joke, seeing as I've only met a small percentage of the guys I've dated that way.

Men Update
Turkey called me to say he finished my photos. I let it go to voicemail and then emailed him that he can post them online and send a CD to my new address. And that's the end of that.

Ladder 3 asked me to a few Angel games, but I couldn't go to any of them. Then he asked me to come over and I said I'm not just going to come over to his house and basically had the conversation that I've already had with him that I think he is only interested in me physically. To that he said, "I'm done talking to you." And that's the end of that.

The End

Turkey and I had been having a discussion about this video about crazy cat ladies, and I told him I could actually relate to one of the ladies. I also explained what happened during a little freak out I had about going to a job fair. All of this was over chat/email so he couldn't actually see the emotion going on. GOOD THING, because I just got an email back that he didn't know what to say and he felt like he hadn't earned my trust for those disclosures. He still wants to be friends, "but easy on the disclosure." This really has me wondering if I'm a fucking crazy person?! I mean, this guy is a real nice person, a therapist, and the things going on in my heart and mind are too much for him? Through doing therapy and in training and by talking to close friends, I really don't think that my stuff is abnormal. Sure, it's stuff you don't share with everybody, but not crazy stuff that will scare people away. But it did. And deep down, I think that was the goal all along. I go into things knowing a guy will hurt me. And he hurt me when he said he didn't want to date me, but I decided to stick with it and just take what I could get from this guy. But I just had to prove that he couldn't even handle a friendship with me, so I pushed it. I showed him the crazy and pushed him to the brink. And now it's over. I responded by telling him I realized it was a pushing away move, but I also thought he was safe. I gave him my address to send my graduation pictures. And that's it. Peace and love, good riddance. Although honestly I'm not wishing those things upon him. I hope he feels horrible and stupid and full of regret. And I wish I could hold onto that anger because otherwise I start turning inward. Another message that I'm not OK as I am, and that nobody will ever truly accept me. Thanks a lot, Turkey. Or maybe it's only myself I have to thank for all this?