Oh hey there, blog. It's been awhile :) The last post was "Done," and I really was done. Done with dating, and I am still done!!! I don't know if that's normal, but "normal" to most girls is go out with a flurry of boys until one puts up with you and then you latch yourself to him and ignore everything that's wrong with the relationship so you can achieve your dream of getting married and having babies, after which you use all your strength to keep that boy married to you so it appears as if you have the perfect life...the perfect mom, the perfect wife, the perfect life. I sound bitter, don't I? All my friends said I was bitter and would go back to wanting all of that. But six months later, I haven't. I finished out my Match subscription and celebrated that day in February. Free at last! I'm free from that obsession with finding "The One" who will be "The Husband" and "The Father." I wasn't happy with being free at first. Being free meant I had to pursue a different path in life where I focus on my career, travel, adoption, friends, family, and me being with me. See, I can't just say to myself, 'whatever happens, happens.' I have to plan and set goals and MAKE what happens, happen. And working toward a goal that wasn't happening was ruining my life. So if I create a goal that I actually have control over, I can keep myself sane. And if I accidentally end up on path #1 with a husband and children, then at least I can have fun getting there.
So I bet you weren't wondering how not dating affects dating. Well, remember Chill? We were talking on Facebook, and ended up hanging out. Which led to texting all day, late night phone calls, making plans, and basically everything that looks like dating. Except without the crazy. By not dating, I can enjoy my time with him without worrying if he is the one and bla bla bla. He actually commented on how I seem more relaxed this time around.
So yeah, I'm not going to idealize this and imagine that I've made my life perfect with this new view. I realize I have feelings for him and that means inevitably feelings will get hurt at some point no matter what happens. But this is what used to happen: I'd start having feelings, which would trigger my fear of getting hurt, which would convince me of the impending demise of the relationship, which would trigger the depression and the crazy, which would trigger the end of the relationship...all before the relationship even started. I would actually cry about how the guy didn't like me and how it didn't work out while we were still dating. Imagine going through the pain of a breakup the whole duration of a relationship, and then having to go through that pain again when the relationship actually ends. It HURTS. But this time, it doesn't <3
