Group Date?

Last night was a ton of fun! We went to a bar for drinks and dinner with two of Turkey's friends. Then we went to a gay bar for karaoke, which was hilarious. (Turkey's comment, "Are we the only straight people here?" got rid of all questions about sexuality). We sang No Scrubs by TLC and Wannabe by Spice Girls. He let me pick :) Then we got pizza, went to another bar, and went to Denny's. I ended up eating a sandwich and chips, pizza, a sundae, and Turkey's hash browns and pancake that night!!! Girl can eat--hope that scores me points! He bought me a beer and offered to buy me more but I had to drive. He said I could stay at his friend's if I couldn't drive home, which I would have LOVED, but I didn't want to be irresponsible. He was touchy and paid a lot of attention to me...I think his friends were a little jealous :D I didn't get that kiss I was hoping for, but we were with people the entire time. I got a little shy so I'm hoping he can tell I like him. I was worried I would have built him up to be such a great guy in my mind and then realize I wasn't really into him when I saw him last night. That was definitely not the case. It's so nice to talk to a guy who understands communication and relationships (he's going to be a therapist, too). He is Christian, funny, intelligent, creative, friendly, outgoing and loves to travel. He is an absolute sweetheart and just has this zest for life. I'm completely attracted to him and feel warm fuzzies when he talks to me...this is everything I've been looking for. Scary! I've got a lot to lose if this doesn't go well, but I'm feeling hopeful. He is going to take my graduation photos for me, and I'm going home in a few weeks so I'm going to see if he wants to hang out. We'll see what happens when I get him alone...

Something to Look Forward To

Every year around New Year's Day and my birthday I start thinking about all I wanted to have accomplished by this age, and how much I have actually accomplished. The two never end up matching and then I get depressed. This year I was thinking about how even at the latest I always wanted to be married by 26. And now that I am 26, I realize how young that really is, but it still makes me nervous that I haven't even met this future husband guy. I know I sound like all the other 20- and 30-something bloggers who worry about being single, but it's such a real concern. We are at that point in our lives which we face intimacy versus isolation, and the latter just sounds so unfun. We're inundated by engagement/wedding/baby announcements (especially now with facebook) as our precious eggs die lonely deaths each month. You don't necessarily have to get married and start a family to get through this crisis--each person has his or her own way of achieving intimacy. But what I truly want is to settle down with someone for life, a best friend to stick it through for better or for worse, and then look back and laugh with them when things go for worse. I have always wanted children, and no matter what options I consider, raising them with a husband and father is always the best. I guess at some point you accept that you might be single for good and learn to love it, but I'm nowhere near acceptance. No, closer to freaking out, which probably lowers my chances significantly.

So anyways, on to the good news. Turkey sent me an email saying he would be in town visiting friends and invited me to dinner and drinks with them! I hadn't heard from him in a bit and was getting a little down thinking about how long it would take to even let him know I'm interested. So I think him making sure to email me ahead of time and invite me is a good sign. Things should be a little more relaxed without my entire family around, too. Sooo even though I try not to get my hopes up and start creating a false fantasy in my head, I will be honest and admit that I'm really hoping for a kiss :) But I'd be happy with flirting. In reality, though, unless he lets me know he is definitely not interested, I'm going to come out of this weekend with even more questions. It kind of reminds me of The Fear You Won't Fall by Joshua Radin.

Current Prospects

1. Turkey
My grandpa met Turkey at church. His family lives out of town so he didn't have anywhere to go for Thanksgiving, so my grandpa invited him to our dinner. I figured only a weirdo would go to Thanksgiving with some old guy, so I was pleasantly surprised when an attractive future doctor showed up. I made sure to sit next to him, and later I found out my whole family was making sure of it too. Our table ended up being me, him, his friend, and my two teenage cousins who don't really talk. His friend was pretty quiet too, so my bro-in-law commented that my Thanksgiving dinner totally turned into a date. We didn't exchange any info, so my sister used her facebook stalking skills to find him and now we're friends on facebook (we made bro-in-law add him so I wouldn't look like a stalker hehe). We chatted online last night and he just commented that my grandpa offered him an arranged marriage!!!

2. Ladder 3
I got a little sneaky with this one. I was looking at pictures from a firefighters' event on facebook and added Ladder 3. He asked how he knew me and I said my cousin got on my account and added random people. We've chatted a little bit and he suggested meeting. The only thing is he wanted to go in the spa?! I said maybe some other less naked activity. So I don't know if we'll actually meet, especially because he doesn't live super close to me or where I plan on moving after graduation. And his conversation hasn't been particularly intriguing so I'm not incredibly motivated to drive out and meet him. But he's there and if Turkey isn't interested, Ladder 3 is a possibility. Since I told myself I don't even want to date at all right now, pursuing two guys is just too much for the time being.

3. 1k
My sister randomly texted me that she found me a husband, but his wife left him with their baby so he might have some baggage. I figure I'm getting too old too be picky about silly things like children and tumultuous relationships from the past. So I went to church to meet him but he left right after the service so I didn't even see him. I'm going back home so I won't be able to go to church again till who knows when, but I have a feeling I'll be coming home a lot more this semester because all my current prospects live near my parents!

I've Got a History

Most kids have one of those kindergarten boyfriends they chase around the playground. Someone gets caught, there is an innocent kiss, and then sooner or later cooties breaks them up. Not me. Jamie told me he loved me when I was in the first grade. Everyone loved Jamie because he had a miniature record player. I turned red and avoided him. Sometimes I wonder if my life would have been different if I had just let Jamie catch me.

I was an awkward kid. Skinny, buck teeth, big glasses. Add braces and mosquito bites in a training bra and my junior high experience was just about as lonely as elementary school. I never had one of those fiery two week adolescent romances and was never once asked to a dance. Later I found out the boys were intimidated by me because I was so quiet and they didn't know what to expect from me.

When I was 17 I met my first love. He was a little shady at first--I would hear he was seeing other girls and he denied it. But eventually we fell in love, and for a time it was real. He started spending more and more time with his friends, we went through a break, and soon after I found out he cheated on me. I was devastated. After all those years of being ignored by boys, this was the icing on the cake. I HATED men, and I became Miss Independent. I bought a diamond ring because "I didn't need a man to put a ring on that finger." I guess I'm the one who is laughing now, because he went into a deep depression and started drinking, and I'm well on my way to success. I have no idea what ever happened to First Love.

I was angry for a long time, and I decided I would be the heart breaker. I would make guys fall for me and then break their hearts. That was the plan at least. Turns out when you're barely 20 guys aren't really interested in love. But I did like the attention. Enter slutty phase. I don't know how many one night stands I've had and I don't remember all their names. I do know my number is 21. It was fun but it was empty, and I have a lot of regrets. It was less about embracing my sexuality and more about those few hours I was that guy's world.

Eventually I started getting uncomfortable with my rising number and risks involved. A pregnancy scare is bad, but realizing you have no way to find the father is terrifying. I recently had a colposcopy and the doctor asked if I had a boyfriend. I said no and he said, "That's a shame. You deserve to be taken out to dinner after this." I should have been able to return to someone's loving arms after the hell of that procedure, but instead I went home and wrote a paper.

And that leads me to the courtship of Bunny Kid. I started dating again. After going after all those pretty boys, I decided I should be less shallow and date someone for his personality. I thought I was so benevolent for dating Party Boy. He was scrawny and had a big nose, but I saw through all that. Or maybe I just took enough shots to be able to feign attraction. Turns out dating someone because he is ugly is just as shallow as dating someone because he is hot. We didn't last long. Eventually he started ignoring me so I started flirting with other guys. He gave me a little "love tap" on the ass to show those guys who I belonged to. Only it really hurt. A lot. And that's where I drew the line.

I went through a couple years of first and last dates rolled into one. Then I ran into Frat Boy. He knew my sister so we started talking. I didn't know such a shallow people existed. I have known people to be attracted to shallow qualities, but this guy stopped at his shallow qualities. He was a hot body. He was an engineer. And that's where it pretty much stopped. Nothing he did or said had any depth to it, and I couldn't take his "I miss you" texts seriously because I don't think he was capable of really missing someone at all. We fizzled quickly.

And then came The One That Got Away. We met online, and I wasn't instantly attracted but when I was, I was in deep. He was a firefighter, and I've got a thing for those guys. It's not the man in uniform thing or the amazing body, but the fact that they have to live in a house full of dudes. To survive in that environment you have to be witty. Have you ever met a fireman without a sense of humor? We got along famously! We just clicked, and I thought, 'Wow, after all that trouble, it just happens so fast. So simple.' Too simple. Valentine's Day came and went and no word from him. I sent him a nasty, nasty email because I couldn't reach him any other way. He wrote back saying his mom needed emergency heart surgery and he completely shut down. I felt bad and gave him another chance and things seemed perfect again. Then one day I called him and he had moved an hour away. He got a job with another department and was going to be on season 3 of The Academy. I knew all this was coming but it was peculiar that he just up and moved without a goodbye. He became harder and harder to reach and eventually broke up with me. He said we could be friends after some time apart, so after I went to Thailand for a couple months I tried contacting him, but no response.

I tried to move on by going on a whirlwind of dates. I literally talked to hundreds of guys online. It became a chore and it was at this time I started having financial problems. I was dating Flower, and even though he threw up some major red flags I decided to keep seeing him in case I needed some "economic relief." And by red flags I mean he went through a major depression that he can't even remember and takes Nyquil to deal with any emotion other than happiness. I tolerated him as he just barely courted me. "Hanging out" is not a date, people!!! He worked for a flower company with endless supplies of free flowers...the most I got was some leftover chocolates. By this time I realized I could stand on my own two feet and gold digging just isn't my forte, so when he called one of my comments "naziesque" during a friendly debate I decided I'd had enough.

I just didn't have the energy to date anymore. I'm literally a starving student, and being underweight and unable to afford haircuts and acne medication does wonders for your self esteem. I can't offer to split a check and can maybe pencil you in two weeks from now after I'm done researching post traumatic stress disorder in rape victims. I'm not the happiest person after my client with borderline personality disorder tells me she's relapsed on meth again, but instead of destressing I have to study for tomorrow's exam. So I decided to quit dating until I finish school, especially since I'm planning to move after graduation. But then came Turkey...