Will I ever be able to stop The Crazy?! I don't know that I've ever explained what I mean by The Crazy. It's that obsessive, anxious state I get in when I like a guy. The wheels start turning and I convince myself he's going to leave. I know it stems from my anxious attachment as a child. I was loved and never had one experience that even came close to abuse or neglect. But because of my inborn temperament and maybe my parents' anxiety, I was always anxious about my needs being met or our trust being broken. I learned not to express much emotion, which in turn made my parents have to guess what I needed from them. We weren't in tune, and so developed the anxious attachment. I KNOW this is why I am the way I am. I sort of know how to treat a person with attachment issues. But I haven't quite figured out how to solve this problem for myself.
The Crazy started to rear its head a bit this weekend. Chill told me he would come over on the 4th of July. I pictured a day rolling around in bed followed by fireworks (literal fireworks, not the mushy gushy orgasmic kind). But then he changes his mind and spends the day with his family. And out of nowhere the feelings hit me. I was pissed at him for flaking and then I started worrying that my feelings for him would get stronger, which will make things hurt more in the end. I thought about just quitting right then to prevent any future complications. And then I thought maybe I shouldn't have sex with him because sex releases chemicals that make you have stronger feelings for a person. But then I reminded myself that I haven't had sex in two and a half years due to my intense fear of HPV and cervical cancer, and thought, 'FUCK THAT SHIT I NEED TO GET LAID.' This led to my google search for how to suppress said chemicals and how to avoid falling in love. Turns out suppression of those chemicals is possible, but has only been tested on some little rodent things, so that's out. One psychiatrist said it might be possible by taking high doses of Prozac to numb all emotions. I'm already on a shit-ton of meds and I'm nowhere near numb so that lady needs to get her facts straight. It was comforting to know that a great deal of people have also searched for how to avoid falling in love, though. One response at http://www.experienceproject.com/question-answer/Is-It-Possible-To-Stop-Yourself-From-Falling-In-Love/1536 was very profound to me. User Duana said "it is possible to stop yourself from falling in love is [sic] because at the very heart of love is free will. If you can't stop it long enough to make your own choice about it- it is not really love- you are being swept away by something else." The reiteration that this is my choice brought back my sense of control and immediately relief swept over me. So, until next time, The Crazy has been abated :) Now I can go back to just being horny. I mentioned my sexual frustration in a text message convo with Chill. His response was 'sorry, I tend to take it slow...soooo prepare accordingly :)' WTF does that mean?! Rub it out before our dates? It's time for a wax? Go buy condoms?
So anyways, besides my constant fantasizing about my next contraction of HPV, my latest obsession has been...drum roll please...FERTILITY AWARENESS/NATURAL FAMILY PLANNING! So lame, right? But seriously, I find it absolutely fascinating. The fact that our bodies are constantly working to create life and the fact that I can become so attuned with what's going on in my body is just so friggin' amazing. I've learned so much about my body, and I love that there's this whole online community with a common set of acronyms. I'm jumping on the bandwagon and will be recording my basal body temperature and cervical mucus/position. I even bought some ovulation and pregnancy tests. I'm totally NOT planning/expecting/wanting a pregnancy, but I've been sexually active for ten years (um okay, maybe subtract the last two) and have never taken a pregnancy test. It just feels like it's an experience every woman has that I've missed out on. Which probably speaks to my awesomeness at protected sex, but I want to pee on a stick like all the other girls, damnit! Oh PS, I'm on Nuvaring (for acne) so my results won't be typical. I think it will be cool to compare with a friend of mine who isn't on birth control. Plus, sometimes I take acne medication that messes with birth control so I'll get a better idea of how that affects things.
Alright, one last thing. As I was watching trying to conceive vlogs, I stumbled upon a video of a girl's wedding. As soon as Canon started playing, my eyes welled up. I was hit with the fact that even though my mind is set on Plan B, my heart still truly wants Plan A. Chill is not so keen on marriage (his outlook seems very similar to Aaron Karo [http://www.ruminations.com/column/176]) and he is pretty much disgusted by babies. So even though I have a man-friend (which is what I'll call him forever because he thinks the "defining the relationship" conversation is silly and middle-schoolish because you should just know what the status is based on how the relationship is going [sidenote: I HATE when people say they're exclusive but not "boyfriend/girlfriend." They're one in the same, and I'm not going to be exclusive if you're afraid of titles...and no exclusivity means condoms EVERY TIME, including oral]). Bottom-line I still have some work to do to fully get over Plan A. Oy, somebody get me some Prozac.
