I wrote the last post right after talking to Turkey. Getting all that emotion out helped me realize that a lot of my sadness isn't really about him. It's just my own issues that I need to spend some single time thinking about. So maybe this blog is switching tracks...
I let him know that I can still be friends and to please just treat me like he always has. So we'll see if I can handle it. When I talked to him this morning I wanted to cry, but I made myself busy and was soon fine :)
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Unlovable
Today Turkey called me and told me he feels like he’s been ambiguous and wants to be clear that he just wants to be friends. I said it’s obvious he’s telling me this because he could tell I have feelings for him. I asked him what it is that gets me to this place…guys always leaving me. He said he felt like I was the one pursuing and he’s never gone for that. Ladder 1 had also told me for future reference that I should never tell a guy I like him. I guess that’s such a horrible thing to be liked by me. Anyway so Turkey was asking what I want because he wants to be friends but wants me to be comfortable. And I said I don’t know what I want, you decide. And we went back and forth like that for awhile till finally he said he would give me time to think and then email me. So I deleted his facebook and texts and stuff to get rid of the reminders. I don’t know what I’ll decide, but I guess that’s sort of the point of him giving me time. I know the best thing for me to get over him is to stop all contact.
One day he’ll just be another guy I wrote about in my diary. One day maybe my heart won’t be broken. But what’s sad is I can’t write that sentence without the maybe. Because the fact that I scare guys away makes me feel like a monster; an ugly, unlovable, scary monster. And that thought breaks me more than it breaks my heart. It’s not about this particular guy at all…it’s about a series of events over 26 years that have beaten these thoughts into me. And maybe the thoughts themselves are what make me unlovable. It’s a downward spiral and I try over and over again to find someone who will love me and prove me wrong. I know I’ve got to prove myself wrong for that to happen, but it’s that acceptance from someone else that I seek for my proof. And it’s especially hard right now, when yet again I just wasn’t good enough.
One day he’ll just be another guy I wrote about in my diary. One day maybe my heart won’t be broken. But what’s sad is I can’t write that sentence without the maybe. Because the fact that I scare guys away makes me feel like a monster; an ugly, unlovable, scary monster. And that thought breaks me more than it breaks my heart. It’s not about this particular guy at all…it’s about a series of events over 26 years that have beaten these thoughts into me. And maybe the thoughts themselves are what make me unlovable. It’s a downward spiral and I try over and over again to find someone who will love me and prove me wrong. I know I’ve got to prove myself wrong for that to happen, but it’s that acceptance from someone else that I seek for my proof. And it’s especially hard right now, when yet again I just wasn’t good enough.
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