Done

I did it. Broke up with The Artist. I did it over facebook chat because he started talking to me on there and I told him I wouldn't be going to his friends' tailgate party. Then I called him and we had a very silent phone conversation. I was crying the whole time and he cried a little bit. He said he doesn't want to be friends because he can't picture how a friendship with me would work. That's the part that I've been crying about for days. There was never a doubt that he's a great person. If I had known he was going to do this I would have waited just so I could see him one last time, have him in my life just a little longer. I feel like a friend of mine has died because I may very well never see him again. He kept saying 'I don't know if I can go through this again' or something like that, referring to how girls always see him as a friend. Well, I don't know if I can go through this again either. I still had a little oomph last time I posted, but feeling this extreme sadness changed things. I have cried in this room too many times over boys that didn't work out. And now I have to work up the nerve all over again, all for something that will most likely end in tears? How do people do it?

Well This is a First

The Artist asked me to be his girlfriend. I said I wasn't ready for a commitment. I've always felt a little unsure about my feelings for him. I didn't want to commit to him and lose out on time meeting other guys if I wasn't confident about us working out. So we kept dating and he has been perfect. But the feelings aren't there. I'm so angry because I found a guy who is caring, makes time for me, wants a commitment, wants to talk about feelings, is supportive, and accepts me just the way I am...but my heart just isn't in it. So I decided today that I need to end it with him, but it made me too sad. Sad for him, and sad for me because then I will be alone. I want to be able to hug him, so now I'm thinking I'll wait till I see him this weekend. I can't wait longer than that, though, because he is planning some surprise weekend for me and I don't want him to spend any more money on me now that I've figured out my feelings.

I love love love knowing that someone cares about me. I'm going to miss it so much. I was emailing a guy on Match, and was getting excited about him. Our emails were long and interesting, but then about a week and a half ago I sent him a response and never got one back. It's rare that I'll get excited about someone online, so that's a real bummer. I only have two more months of my membership. I only emailed 4 people last month, and you're required to email 5 in order to get 6 more months for free. I'll call and see if they'll give it to me anyway. Otherwise, I don't know what is next. Buy another 6 months? Try eharmony? Take a break? Look into matchmakers? I'm not giving up yet!!!

Pink Eye Post

GROSS. I'm home with pink eye. It doesn't itch so people really wouldn't be at risk because it's not on my hands, but it just looks offensive. I had to cancel a family session so the mom called the social worker to tattle on me! Sorry my pink eye is getting in the way of your court mandates!

Anywaayyyyys...dating :D Chill pretty much disappeared. I never responded to his "I really want to hang out with you but blah blah" text. He bored me and doesn't have time for a relationship so I moved on. I met The Artist a couple weeks ago. He is very different than guys I'm usually attracted to. I usually like tall science/business-minded fellows that don't have time or emotional availability for me. This one's a little guy--barely 5'9" and went to The Art Institute. He does animation advertisement type stuff. And photography. He looks like Zac Efron and wears glasses and Chucks and sport coats. I bet he wears scarves in the winter. We look like brother and sister with our little bodies and glasses and straight teeth. It reminds me of a romance you would see in a movie...very quirky and awkward, yet sweet. I'm 100% myself with him even though I tell myself not to be. But I think that might be my tendency to want to scare guys away by being the craziest me I can be. I like him but I'm iffy because I need a guy who will be strong and take care of me, but put me in my place when I need it. He has anxiety, and I've changed the subject twice with him already because I'm just not ready to go there. I probably have the worst anxiety out of anyone you know. Maybe having experienced it, he will be more understanding...but I also worry we will be a big, anxious mess with kids that will need Prozac in their formula (you know me--always thinking about the future kiddos!). My last boyfriend left me partly because he was afraid he would have to go to the emergency room for the rest of his life like he did for his aunt. I've never been to the emergency room for a panic attack, but I guess that's just details. But I haven't told another significant guy since then, and I never planned on relying on a guy to help me with my anxiety. And I don't want anyone who isn't paying for it to rely on me for their anxiety. So now that I'm on the anxiety topic, there's something I've been thinking about nearly every day. I take medication that can't be taken when pregnant or breastfeeding. It also has terrible withdrawals. So in order for me to get pregnant, I will have to quit my job to detox and deal with the anxiety. So I have all these worries about finding a guy who can financially support a family with one income, and put up with the detox and the possibility of me becoming a recluse off meds. It won't be one of those happy pregnancies where you wear cute clothes and have baby showers. I'm picturing a year of laying in bed, shaking and vomiting. Who even wants to knock that up? So yeah, it's a little crazy to be thinking this far into the future, but when things get serious with a guy I'm going to have to tell him that it's that or adoption. I don't think guys really think about adoption till it's the last option. They think, "One day when I'm ready I will spread my seed and that day my wife will get pregnant and in nine months we will have a bigger gene pool and then I can teach my offspring baseball." Clowns. So I can't help but try to be proactive and look for a guy who can handle it and care about me enough to put up with it.

This Blog Should be Called Thoughts on Dating...on Ambien

So fiiiinnnnaaallly I have time to write. Always after popping a tiny sleeping pill. I just had a blah day today. It's because yesterday I had heat exhaustion at the fair, which was quite embarrassing with all the paramedics around me. It was also a realization that if this happens every other month, there is some sort of problem. I don't have health insurance till December, so I'm just going to stay out of the sun till then. I should have went to the first aid room at the fair because I could get some free vital sign readings. Oh well, I scored some tylenol. Anyways, serious stuff makes me think about serious stuff. A colleague died at only 22 years old. She went to work like any other day and then BOOM brain dead. I could have been going to the fair like any other day and then BOOM. And at this point in my life I am SO NOT READY TO GO!!! I figured out it will take me 6 years to get my social work license at this job. That means I can have kids at age 32. Pretty good age. Gives me plenty of time to find a man, enjoy him, train him, er learn to communicate properly within marriage. The clock has been ticking but now it's getting LOUDER!

Chill is back to school for his MBA and got promoted (without a raise, of course) so he travels basically everyday he isn't at school. Add in homework, and no time for me. We have texted/chatted a couple times, but I think it's over. He bores me anyway. SUCH a sweetie, though. Seattle never called me after our date. I didn't feel any sparks and I'm used to it by now, so there wasn't an ounce of sadness! Go me with the emotion regulation!!! A few guys have been calling to set up dates so I will try my best to follow up. I have a life so blogging is hard! One guy called me and said, "Well, I decided I would be bold and make a reservation for tomorrow night at 7PM." WOW, buddy, that's bold. You should be an assassin or some sort of undercover ops spy. He was sooo dry and lame and didn't make me laugh or even try to make me comfortable. So I said tomorrow won't work so let me get back to you when I know my schedule for next week. My schedule always changes so I never know it till after it happens, and I'm sure he wouldn't want to be troubled with the past.

So it's been slim pickings on the old match.com. Not too impressed right now. Maybe it will get better toward couples season. Hopefully we have a cold winter and the big spoons start looking for their little spoon. I call little spoon ;)

PS Ambien induced movie idea: Babysitters club should have a reunion. Mary Anne and Logan had a ton of kids and are now going through a custody battle. Kristy has gone straight lesbo and wants to adopt a child with her partner, but face judgment everywhere they go. Stacy can't conceive because of her diabetes, so she hires a surrogate who ends up teaching her important life lessons. Claudia is now sober after raving in her early twenties and her fashion line has exploded after a recent feature in Vogue magazine. Something is missing, though, so she takes a trip to her home country and meets a baby girl she is determined not to leave without. Babysitters Club: The Reunion...what happens when the babysitters want babies of their own?

Bisou Bisou

Of course he called me! And of course we went on a date and he kissed me at the end! Because I'm awesome, and why wouldn't he? :P We've been chatting/texting and he canceled his plans with his brother to have sushi with me. I was suuuuper nervous because this was sort of a make or break date since he hadn't put ANY moves on me. So I didn't have an appetite and looked like a loser girl who doesn't eat on dates. W/e he's seen me stuff my face the past two so he knows what's up. After dinner, we stood in the parking lot talking for about two hours. I acted all cold so he would put his arm around me but NOTHING. Then finally when we hugged goodbye he went for it. Jeezus kid! Sooo he seems like not a jerk so I believe him when he says he'll call me after his trip. I really like this thing because I'm not going crazy--I know I like him but I still want to find out more. It's slow and it's fun and hopefully I get to enjoy it for awhile. His birthday is coming up, though, and I HATE when you first meet a guy and his birthday or Christmas comes. I'm thinking I'll just text him. I made Ladder 1 cupcakes for his bday (I took them to his super bowl party so it wasn't a huge deal) and he ended up thinking I was moving too fast. That probably had more to do with me giving it up to him too soon and calling too much than the cupcakes but I'm traumatized nonetheless. I think these past traumas are helping me now, though, because I know to move slower and if a guy does end up leaving me he isn't taking my heart and secrets with him.

Second (and probably last) Date

Chill and I went to lunch and a movie today (I don't think I've referred to him by name before, so Chill is the guy from the last post). It was whatever. I like him, but I just wasn't on today. I realized how much Turkey impacted me, though. I've retreated into my shell, so terrified of putting myself out there again. And I feel like flirting and letting on that I like a guy is the kiss of death. There was no physical contact aside from the hello hug--when he left he just said he'd call me this week. So now I'm feeling all down the day before my first day at my new job. Whatever.

Here We Go Again

Oh noes. I went on my date. And I like him. I guess that's good because it was a long date so it would have been awkward if I didn't like him. Hopefully it wasn't awkward for him the whole time :/ He said he would call me so we can go out again but that's what they all say. Anyways, when I like a guy I obsess and that makes me think of reasons he doesn't like me and that makes me depressed. So when I have no guy to worry about I'm a happy, independent female. But it looks like now I'm going back to anxious, depressed psycho. I'm scared because I was so hurt with Turkey and that was just a crush! But I recovered fine and now we're cool. Another thing is I can't seem to control is my thoughts about marriage!!! I want to just hang out with this guy and not worry about if I'm going to marry him, but then if the guy is potentially great enough to marry how could I not think about that?? Bleh.

Just an Update

I've been MIA on here because nothing has really been going on in my dating life. I put on my match profile that I don't have a subscription so some guys would just find me on facebook. Only one guy really ended up following through to the point of asking me out. So that's coming up next week. He seems dorky enough for me but my hopes def aren't up, and that's a GOOD thing because I go from being a stable, intelligent female to a psycho chick when I get all gaga over a guy. I want to slowly fall in love and I know that's how it should be, but it's hard to actually control it. I'll def update on how the date goes.

As for other news, I've been working as a drug counselor but the pay was shit so I found a new job. Right when I accepted that job, a place that had previously turned me down said a position opened up and gave me an offer. I decided to stick with the one I accepted and I start as a therapist in August!

My friend just got married yesterday. I'm so happy for her because the situation just seems so right. With my BFF's wedding, we all knew it was headed for divorce and we hated him, so it was difficult to be happy. It was basically a drunkfest that ended in family feud that ended the reception early. With my sister's wedding, I had doubts because she was so young, plus I was oozing with jealousy because I'm the oldest. I think you can see into the marriage by how the couple acts at their wedding. I have never seen my friend so happy than when she was looking into her new husband's eyes during their first dance. I want the fancy party and all the gifts and attention, of course, but more than anything I want that moment when you're looking into each others' eyes and it's like you're the only two people on Earth. Unfortunately, I did not get to enjoy all their special moments because I had heat exhaustion. The ceremony was outdoors and it was over 100 degrees and no shade on the seats. I had already spent hours getting ready in the heat because the AC in this house SUCKS and doesn't cool the top half of the house. Plus I was on my period. So by the time the ceremony actually started, everyone was feeling pretty miserable. My mouth and lips got super dry so I drank a bottle of water. Then my heart started pounding and I was thinking WTF am I nervous about?? I also noticed I was shaking when holding the camera up. Then I started feeling woozy and couldn't even stand when the bride walked down the aisle. But I'm a baby about everything so I just thought I was being too sensitive. Till I vomited DURING THE CEREMONY. It was only a little bit and nobody really noticed and I had been waiting years to see this ceremony so I decided to stay there. I fanned myself off and tried to watch but my vision was going spotty and I couldn't keep my eyes open. The only thing worse than missing this girl's ceremony would be ruining it so I decided if I was going to die she should at least get to wait till after she walks back up the aisle to find out. So I walked out of the ceremony area behind a hedge and threw up again. A friend's mom noticed me walking away looking very pale so she came to check on me. She asked if I was ok but I couldn't talk and just tried to shake my head and get some words out. "It's hot" were some of the words and I was thinking about not being ok and needing an ambulance but I don't know what else I said, if anything. I don't even think she could understand me but she saw me flopping my hand like it was a fan so she fanned me off and got a staff member to drive me inside. They got me ice water and crackers and when the ceremony ended another friend's mom sat by me to make sure I was ok. My nurse friend was in the bridal party taking pictures so she didnt get my text asking what I should do. I felt so scared because I didn't know if this was something serious or something princess (which is usually the case with me, but I KNOW when I'm being princess). And everyone was busy with wedding stuff so they either didn't know or were too busy to care that I was sick. When they were done nurse friend took my pulse and said as long as I'm drinking fluids and out of the heat, then just pay attention to how I feel. Another friend was wasted so she shoved a gummy bear in my mouth...guess she thought I had low blood sugar?? So I ended up missing the cocktail hour because I was sitting on a couch drinking water. I had two more glasses of water and a salad before I got my energy back. It was really amazing how in such a short span of time I could go from truly thinking I might die to being ready to party. I asked a nurse and a doctor what they would tell a patient, and they both said don't drink alcohol, but to a friend they would say drink alcohol and if you start feeling bad again then stop. So I decided on vodka sodas so half of each drink would be water. The rest of the night was a blast!

When I got home today (after someone randomly gave us their hotel room, which we drunkenly thought was amazing, but when we woke up we realized we were stranded at some hotel. My dad ended up driving 30mins there and back to get us home) I looked up heat exhaustion to find out more about it. It's basically when your body can't cool itself down enough. I had all the symptoms: heavy sweating, feeling weak and/or confused, dizziness, nausea, headache, fast heartbeat. If you don't take care of yourself, then this can lead to heat stroke which is when the internal body reaches 104 degrees. By the time I realized things were going nowhere good, I had these symptoms of heat stroke: dizziness, lack of sweating, muscle weakness, nausea, vomiting, fast heartbeat, feeling confused, anxious, and disoriented. Heat stroke can lead to seizures and death because basically your body is an oven cooking up some delicious organic treats. But seriously, now knowing about how serious this thing was, I can't believe that everyone treated it so lightly. One mom thought I had been drinking and the event staff gave me a water and then went on with their business. What if I just keeled over in your beautiful country club?

I was so embarrassed that I got sick and all the old people lived through the ceremony just fine. I read that antidepressants can make you more susceptible to heat illness...and my acne med blatantly says DON'T GO IN THE SUN so maybe that's why it happened to me and no one else. Maybe no one else realizes the severity and still thinks I'm being a dainty little princess. But honestly, it made me realize how delicate I am and how delicate life is...and how much I want someone who I know without a doubt will come running if he hears I'm not ok, and then stay by my side until I am.

Single. Homeless. Unemployed.

Does it get any worse than that? I'm not really homeless because I'm moving in with my parents but I am more of a guest here now. Not the type of guest you lay clean towels out and make breakfast for but more the type of guest that you wish would leave. So I'm considering this my temporary address and staying as long as I have to. It is nice to know I have family to fall back on, though, because without them I really would be homeless. This job market is very scary. I'm spending hours applying to places that aren't hiring. And I'm just so incredibly jealous of everyone else who isn't me. Most people I'm graduating with have a second income so it's ok if they're unemployed for a bit. And after spending a day on the hunt, there's someone to cozy up with and take a break. But it's just me and this stack of resumes, and that guilty feeling that I'm not doing enough to find a job if I allow myself to stop. I need to take a pill to make my body shut down and just stop thinking. And in those 30 minutes from swallow to slumber I feel happy. "They" say it takes 3-6 months to find a job, which I don't understand. If I don't find a job in a week or so, I'm applying at McDonald's for God's sake. Well maybe not that exact establishment, but somewhere I'm way overqualified for just to make a few bucks. Do they really mean it takes 3-6 months to find a job that meets your qualifications and pays what you are asking? I wish they would be more clear, because if they mean it takes 3-6 months to find any place in the world that is willing to pay you minimum wage then that's depressing.

Anyway, more on my jealousy. A good friend of mine who I commiserate with about all the single stuff just got a boyfriend. Like literally overnight. They dated 6 years ago and drifted apart because she is super scared of intimacy, but the guy has kept in contact after all these years. And then they started hanging out after he broke up with his girlfriend and now they're together and talking about a wedding next year. WTF? And I don't know why this upsets me so much...I guess it just reminds me of how selfish mankind is and how hard it is to find people who truly, truly care (I define love as caring for someone more than yourself), and how really you can only depend on yourself: This friend was waiting till marriage to have sex. And they did it. Imagine that, 25 years and bam, it's gone, nothing special. And he knew she was waiting, she told him when they met and she told him time and time again when things started going too far. And she says she should have stopped him, but in her moment of weakness if he truly, truly cared about her more than he cared for himself then he wouldn't have taken that from her. I'm actually pro-premarital sex but it's just the principle. So I in no way approve of this guy but I have to meet him at her graduation and pretend to be nice. Except she just told me she is trying to get extra tickets so now I'm "maybe" invited. She gave my ticket to HIM. Lovely. Such is the life, coming second. So I don't know how much of this is actually disapproval or jealousy. She just got a job offer with the highest entry level pay around and has a guy who showers her with gifts and affection and a plan for the future. Everything I ever wanted...so how could I disapprove of that?

I've been trolling the dating sites again. Only this time in the L.A. area. It's amazing how much more douchey, ghetto, and loserish guys can get just by moving your search radius. To be fair, though, I've been looking on Okcupid because I can't afford Match. And even the decent Okcupid guys in San Diego were slim pickings. This time around, I'm going to make it less of a hunt and try to just have fun with it. When I did it in August I had multiple dates a week and couldn't keep track of all the men I was talking to. It was exhausting and I never looked forward to going out. I was just going out with them to prove to myself and all the people that say I'm too picky that I was giving guys a chance. But now I know I'd rather sit on my computer and bitch than hang out with people I'm not attracted to and constantly have to figure out how to get myself out of the little relationships I've gotten myself into. So this time if I feel something I'll try it out in person, while spending time on myself and with my friends, and maybe meeting people in "real" life too. Ok, meeting people in "real" life is actually kind of a joke, seeing as I've only met a small percentage of the guys I've dated that way.

Men Update
Turkey called me to say he finished my photos. I let it go to voicemail and then emailed him that he can post them online and send a CD to my new address. And that's the end of that.

Ladder 3 asked me to a few Angel games, but I couldn't go to any of them. Then he asked me to come over and I said I'm not just going to come over to his house and basically had the conversation that I've already had with him that I think he is only interested in me physically. To that he said, "I'm done talking to you." And that's the end of that.

The End

Turkey and I had been having a discussion about this video about crazy cat ladies, and I told him I could actually relate to one of the ladies. I also explained what happened during a little freak out I had about going to a job fair. All of this was over chat/email so he couldn't actually see the emotion going on. GOOD THING, because I just got an email back that he didn't know what to say and he felt like he hadn't earned my trust for those disclosures. He still wants to be friends, "but easy on the disclosure." This really has me wondering if I'm a fucking crazy person?! I mean, this guy is a real nice person, a therapist, and the things going on in my heart and mind are too much for him? Through doing therapy and in training and by talking to close friends, I really don't think that my stuff is abnormal. Sure, it's stuff you don't share with everybody, but not crazy stuff that will scare people away. But it did. And deep down, I think that was the goal all along. I go into things knowing a guy will hurt me. And he hurt me when he said he didn't want to date me, but I decided to stick with it and just take what I could get from this guy. But I just had to prove that he couldn't even handle a friendship with me, so I pushed it. I showed him the crazy and pushed him to the brink. And now it's over. I responded by telling him I realized it was a pushing away move, but I also thought he was safe. I gave him my address to send my graduation pictures. And that's it. Peace and love, good riddance. Although honestly I'm not wishing those things upon him. I hope he feels horrible and stupid and full of regret. And I wish I could hold onto that anger because otherwise I start turning inward. Another message that I'm not OK as I am, and that nobody will ever truly accept me. Thanks a lot, Turkey. Or maybe it's only myself I have to thank for all this?

The Cold, Hard Truth

I'm always cognizant of the fact that I'm single. It's always a lingering thought in the back of my mind that I can't fully get rid of. Even if I'm doing some great single girl activity I'm thinking about how I couldn't be doing that thing if I had a boyfriend/husband/family...and how I'd give up every great single girl activity in a heartbeat for the love and support of a significant other. There are some things, though, that will stop you in your tracks and remind you that you are, in fact, ALONE.

The first time I really, truly realized this was in Ikea. I had just moved out of my parents' house and was buying furniture. I was struggling to get the boxes off the shelves when a lady tried to help me. I laughed it off and said I'm fine, thanks. I was a strong, single girl; I could do it on my own. She called me a bitch and walked away. I looked down so no one would see and wiped away a tear. I'm not strong. And I can't do it alone.

Today I'm having another one of those moments. I'm going to Sacramento to lobby Congress...awesome girl power, right?! I couldn't leave for a whole weekend if I had a family!!! Only I forgot I have a dog...I've been holed up doing projects and studying all semester so I feel too guilty to ask my friends. I don't want to be one of those people who only calls when they need something. That applies to asking for a ride to the airport, too. So now I'm going to end up paying for a cab and going into more debt for doggy day care. Maybe I have a problem asking for help. But if the solution to my single girl problems is making money so I can pay people to help me, social work may have been the wrong profession.

I'm reminded of this song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o63Tap4YGo0

Friends

I wrote the last post right after talking to Turkey. Getting all that emotion out helped me realize that a lot of my sadness isn't really about him. It's just my own issues that I need to spend some single time thinking about. So maybe this blog is switching tracks...

I let him know that I can still be friends and to please just treat me like he always has. So we'll see if I can handle it. When I talked to him this morning I wanted to cry, but I made myself busy and was soon fine :)

Unlovable

Today Turkey called me and told me he feels like he’s been ambiguous and wants to be clear that he just wants to be friends. I said it’s obvious he’s telling me this because he could tell I have feelings for him. I asked him what it is that gets me to this place…guys always leaving me. He said he felt like I was the one pursuing and he’s never gone for that. Ladder 1 had also told me for future reference that I should never tell a guy I like him. I guess that’s such a horrible thing to be liked by me. Anyway so Turkey was asking what I want because he wants to be friends but wants me to be comfortable. And I said I don’t know what I want, you decide. And we went back and forth like that for awhile till finally he said he would give me time to think and then email me. So I deleted his facebook and texts and stuff to get rid of the reminders. I don’t know what I’ll decide, but I guess that’s sort of the point of him giving me time. I know the best thing for me to get over him is to stop all contact.

One day he’ll just be another guy I wrote about in my diary. One day maybe my heart won’t be broken. But what’s sad is I can’t write that sentence without the maybe. Because the fact that I scare guys away makes me feel like a monster; an ugly, unlovable, scary monster. And that thought breaks me more than it breaks my heart. It’s not about this particular guy at all…it’s about a series of events over 26 years that have beaten these thoughts into me. And maybe the thoughts themselves are what make me unlovable. It’s a downward spiral and I try over and over again to find someone who will love me and prove me wrong. I know I’ve got to prove myself wrong for that to happen, but it’s that acceptance from someone else that I seek for my proof. And it’s especially hard right now, when yet again I just wasn’t good enough.

Turkey Trot

I let Turkey know that I would be home for the weekend and asked if he wanted to go for a hike. He was in class at the time and was switching to lab so he had to go. And then I didn't hear from him...I got all sad and went crazy and ended up texting him almost a week later. He texted back and we made plans like it was no big deal.

So the day of I met him at his house with my dog and we made sandwiches to take with us. He drove us up there (nice car!) and we spent a few hours having a picnic and hiking. We talked a lot about our families and who we are. He said he has an anxious/avoidant attachment style, which I'll get to later. His family is a little emotionally distant and he didn't see a very close, loving relationship between his parents. Afterward, we took a long drive to this ice cream and cookie place before heading back to his place. We looked at the pictures he took that day and just hung out for a bit. When it was time for me to go, I actually had to ask him to walk me to my car (it was dark by this time) and he gave me a quick hug goodbye. I sat there in disbelief because we spent an entire day together and we click so well, but absolutely no flirting and definitely no kiss.

This was a week ago and we've been emailing and talking on the phone since then. We set up a photo shoot for my grad pictures that he can use in his portfolio and he has been helping me get a cell phone discount, so while we do chat for a while, it's not like he is contacting me just to say hey. In asking for advice for a friend, I got a few tidbits about what he likes. He said forward girls turn him off, he likes to be friends before starting a relationship, and if a guy likes a girl he will make something happen. Whether it was a message for me or not, I got a strong message to back off! I've talked to some friends that say don't waste any more time, but in all honesty I need closure before I can do that. I was planning on telling him how I feel but I chickened out, and with this new information I just can't do it anytime soon.

As far as attachment goes, a person who does not develop a close bond with his/her caregiver and develops an anxious/avoidant attachment style goes on to avoid intimacy and feel insecure while in a relationship. This might answer the question about why he is still single, and actually gives me a little hope. Getting into a relationship with an avoidant guy is not the best idea, but we attract people who are on the same level as us, and I also have an avoidant and definitely very anxious style.

So he wants to be "friends first," but the question is does that mean friends forever? From what he has said, it sounds like if he wants more he will let me know. But there will come a point where I will need closure and separation to grieve about losing what I had hoped for. So the revised plan is for me to accept this friendship, and when it gets closer to May when I'm moving back home I'll initiate a little chat.

Dream: The Dresses

I have a lot of curious dreams. Any given day you could ask me about last night's dream and I'll probably have one to tell you about. I like to analyze my dreams from a Gestalt perspective, so I'll put myself in the view of different objects in my dream. Usually one of the main objects will open my eyes up to something I've been feeling subconsciously, so I'm able to deal with it.

Here is the dream the way it happened:
I'm camping with family, or maybe this is where we live. There are a bunch of trailers and motor homes in an old west feeling campsite. Homeless people stay here, too, but we're not homeless. We are more well-to-do and we travel around helping the homeless people. My job is to sort through clothing donations and give only the best clothing to the homeless people. In today's pile, I find three sheer chiffon dresses. They would be beautiful dresses, but they have stains and bleach spots on them. I take the dresses back to my trailer and speak to another female, possibly a friend or my sister, about my dilemma. I want to give them to the homeless people because they are so beautiful, but would they be offended that I gave them stained clothing? Maybe I could just put them out on a tree branch and if someone wants them they will take them. Or maybe I should approach someone who might like them and explain that I mean no offense by giving away these dresses, despite their flaws. Maybe someone will even like the dresses because they have spots on them?

That is where I woke up. Now here is the dream from the perspective of the dresses:
I'm sitting in a pile with other clothes, flawless clothes that will be chosen without question. Someone has noticed me, and thinks I'm beautiful even though I have such obvious flaws. She doesn't know what to do with me, though. She is thinking about leaving me on a tree branch. What if I blow away or get torn? What if nobody sees me or knows I am there for the taking? She is thinking about giving me to someone and explaining that I am still beautiful despite my flaws. But why point out my shortcomings? How embarrassing! And why should someone have to be convinced to like me, aren't I beautiful as I am? Oh please, just accept me! Let me be of good use...send me away with the other good clothes and let someone decide to love me as I am.

It became obvious to me I'm having a little battle with myself about self-acceptance. But I also wonder if this is related to Turkey. We've been chatting a lot, and often times I'm left wondering if I should have said what I did and how it was perceived. I feel like he sees me as a quirky bad girl. What I want to convey is the wholesome, matronly side of me, but in joking and being honest to a fault I just don't know if he is getting that. Does he think I'm a complete loon? Maybe he talks to me so much not because I have any potential with him, but because listening to this moron is just plain entertaining. Yes, I'm flawed. But I am also beautiful. Will he be able to see and accept that?

Group Date?

Last night was a ton of fun! We went to a bar for drinks and dinner with two of Turkey's friends. Then we went to a gay bar for karaoke, which was hilarious. (Turkey's comment, "Are we the only straight people here?" got rid of all questions about sexuality). We sang No Scrubs by TLC and Wannabe by Spice Girls. He let me pick :) Then we got pizza, went to another bar, and went to Denny's. I ended up eating a sandwich and chips, pizza, a sundae, and Turkey's hash browns and pancake that night!!! Girl can eat--hope that scores me points! He bought me a beer and offered to buy me more but I had to drive. He said I could stay at his friend's if I couldn't drive home, which I would have LOVED, but I didn't want to be irresponsible. He was touchy and paid a lot of attention to me...I think his friends were a little jealous :D I didn't get that kiss I was hoping for, but we were with people the entire time. I got a little shy so I'm hoping he can tell I like him. I was worried I would have built him up to be such a great guy in my mind and then realize I wasn't really into him when I saw him last night. That was definitely not the case. It's so nice to talk to a guy who understands communication and relationships (he's going to be a therapist, too). He is Christian, funny, intelligent, creative, friendly, outgoing and loves to travel. He is an absolute sweetheart and just has this zest for life. I'm completely attracted to him and feel warm fuzzies when he talks to me...this is everything I've been looking for. Scary! I've got a lot to lose if this doesn't go well, but I'm feeling hopeful. He is going to take my graduation photos for me, and I'm going home in a few weeks so I'm going to see if he wants to hang out. We'll see what happens when I get him alone...

Something to Look Forward To

Every year around New Year's Day and my birthday I start thinking about all I wanted to have accomplished by this age, and how much I have actually accomplished. The two never end up matching and then I get depressed. This year I was thinking about how even at the latest I always wanted to be married by 26. And now that I am 26, I realize how young that really is, but it still makes me nervous that I haven't even met this future husband guy. I know I sound like all the other 20- and 30-something bloggers who worry about being single, but it's such a real concern. We are at that point in our lives which we face intimacy versus isolation, and the latter just sounds so unfun. We're inundated by engagement/wedding/baby announcements (especially now with facebook) as our precious eggs die lonely deaths each month. You don't necessarily have to get married and start a family to get through this crisis--each person has his or her own way of achieving intimacy. But what I truly want is to settle down with someone for life, a best friend to stick it through for better or for worse, and then look back and laugh with them when things go for worse. I have always wanted children, and no matter what options I consider, raising them with a husband and father is always the best. I guess at some point you accept that you might be single for good and learn to love it, but I'm nowhere near acceptance. No, closer to freaking out, which probably lowers my chances significantly.

So anyways, on to the good news. Turkey sent me an email saying he would be in town visiting friends and invited me to dinner and drinks with them! I hadn't heard from him in a bit and was getting a little down thinking about how long it would take to even let him know I'm interested. So I think him making sure to email me ahead of time and invite me is a good sign. Things should be a little more relaxed without my entire family around, too. Sooo even though I try not to get my hopes up and start creating a false fantasy in my head, I will be honest and admit that I'm really hoping for a kiss :) But I'd be happy with flirting. In reality, though, unless he lets me know he is definitely not interested, I'm going to come out of this weekend with even more questions. It kind of reminds me of The Fear You Won't Fall by Joshua Radin.

Current Prospects

1. Turkey
My grandpa met Turkey at church. His family lives out of town so he didn't have anywhere to go for Thanksgiving, so my grandpa invited him to our dinner. I figured only a weirdo would go to Thanksgiving with some old guy, so I was pleasantly surprised when an attractive future doctor showed up. I made sure to sit next to him, and later I found out my whole family was making sure of it too. Our table ended up being me, him, his friend, and my two teenage cousins who don't really talk. His friend was pretty quiet too, so my bro-in-law commented that my Thanksgiving dinner totally turned into a date. We didn't exchange any info, so my sister used her facebook stalking skills to find him and now we're friends on facebook (we made bro-in-law add him so I wouldn't look like a stalker hehe). We chatted online last night and he just commented that my grandpa offered him an arranged marriage!!!

2. Ladder 3
I got a little sneaky with this one. I was looking at pictures from a firefighters' event on facebook and added Ladder 3. He asked how he knew me and I said my cousin got on my account and added random people. We've chatted a little bit and he suggested meeting. The only thing is he wanted to go in the spa?! I said maybe some other less naked activity. So I don't know if we'll actually meet, especially because he doesn't live super close to me or where I plan on moving after graduation. And his conversation hasn't been particularly intriguing so I'm not incredibly motivated to drive out and meet him. But he's there and if Turkey isn't interested, Ladder 3 is a possibility. Since I told myself I don't even want to date at all right now, pursuing two guys is just too much for the time being.

3. 1k
My sister randomly texted me that she found me a husband, but his wife left him with their baby so he might have some baggage. I figure I'm getting too old too be picky about silly things like children and tumultuous relationships from the past. So I went to church to meet him but he left right after the service so I didn't even see him. I'm going back home so I won't be able to go to church again till who knows when, but I have a feeling I'll be coming home a lot more this semester because all my current prospects live near my parents!

I've Got a History

Most kids have one of those kindergarten boyfriends they chase around the playground. Someone gets caught, there is an innocent kiss, and then sooner or later cooties breaks them up. Not me. Jamie told me he loved me when I was in the first grade. Everyone loved Jamie because he had a miniature record player. I turned red and avoided him. Sometimes I wonder if my life would have been different if I had just let Jamie catch me.

I was an awkward kid. Skinny, buck teeth, big glasses. Add braces and mosquito bites in a training bra and my junior high experience was just about as lonely as elementary school. I never had one of those fiery two week adolescent romances and was never once asked to a dance. Later I found out the boys were intimidated by me because I was so quiet and they didn't know what to expect from me.

When I was 17 I met my first love. He was a little shady at first--I would hear he was seeing other girls and he denied it. But eventually we fell in love, and for a time it was real. He started spending more and more time with his friends, we went through a break, and soon after I found out he cheated on me. I was devastated. After all those years of being ignored by boys, this was the icing on the cake. I HATED men, and I became Miss Independent. I bought a diamond ring because "I didn't need a man to put a ring on that finger." I guess I'm the one who is laughing now, because he went into a deep depression and started drinking, and I'm well on my way to success. I have no idea what ever happened to First Love.

I was angry for a long time, and I decided I would be the heart breaker. I would make guys fall for me and then break their hearts. That was the plan at least. Turns out when you're barely 20 guys aren't really interested in love. But I did like the attention. Enter slutty phase. I don't know how many one night stands I've had and I don't remember all their names. I do know my number is 21. It was fun but it was empty, and I have a lot of regrets. It was less about embracing my sexuality and more about those few hours I was that guy's world.

Eventually I started getting uncomfortable with my rising number and risks involved. A pregnancy scare is bad, but realizing you have no way to find the father is terrifying. I recently had a colposcopy and the doctor asked if I had a boyfriend. I said no and he said, "That's a shame. You deserve to be taken out to dinner after this." I should have been able to return to someone's loving arms after the hell of that procedure, but instead I went home and wrote a paper.

And that leads me to the courtship of Bunny Kid. I started dating again. After going after all those pretty boys, I decided I should be less shallow and date someone for his personality. I thought I was so benevolent for dating Party Boy. He was scrawny and had a big nose, but I saw through all that. Or maybe I just took enough shots to be able to feign attraction. Turns out dating someone because he is ugly is just as shallow as dating someone because he is hot. We didn't last long. Eventually he started ignoring me so I started flirting with other guys. He gave me a little "love tap" on the ass to show those guys who I belonged to. Only it really hurt. A lot. And that's where I drew the line.

I went through a couple years of first and last dates rolled into one. Then I ran into Frat Boy. He knew my sister so we started talking. I didn't know such a shallow people existed. I have known people to be attracted to shallow qualities, but this guy stopped at his shallow qualities. He was a hot body. He was an engineer. And that's where it pretty much stopped. Nothing he did or said had any depth to it, and I couldn't take his "I miss you" texts seriously because I don't think he was capable of really missing someone at all. We fizzled quickly.

And then came The One That Got Away. We met online, and I wasn't instantly attracted but when I was, I was in deep. He was a firefighter, and I've got a thing for those guys. It's not the man in uniform thing or the amazing body, but the fact that they have to live in a house full of dudes. To survive in that environment you have to be witty. Have you ever met a fireman without a sense of humor? We got along famously! We just clicked, and I thought, 'Wow, after all that trouble, it just happens so fast. So simple.' Too simple. Valentine's Day came and went and no word from him. I sent him a nasty, nasty email because I couldn't reach him any other way. He wrote back saying his mom needed emergency heart surgery and he completely shut down. I felt bad and gave him another chance and things seemed perfect again. Then one day I called him and he had moved an hour away. He got a job with another department and was going to be on season 3 of The Academy. I knew all this was coming but it was peculiar that he just up and moved without a goodbye. He became harder and harder to reach and eventually broke up with me. He said we could be friends after some time apart, so after I went to Thailand for a couple months I tried contacting him, but no response.

I tried to move on by going on a whirlwind of dates. I literally talked to hundreds of guys online. It became a chore and it was at this time I started having financial problems. I was dating Flower, and even though he threw up some major red flags I decided to keep seeing him in case I needed some "economic relief." And by red flags I mean he went through a major depression that he can't even remember and takes Nyquil to deal with any emotion other than happiness. I tolerated him as he just barely courted me. "Hanging out" is not a date, people!!! He worked for a flower company with endless supplies of free flowers...the most I got was some leftover chocolates. By this time I realized I could stand on my own two feet and gold digging just isn't my forte, so when he called one of my comments "naziesque" during a friendly debate I decided I'd had enough.

I just didn't have the energy to date anymore. I'm literally a starving student, and being underweight and unable to afford haircuts and acne medication does wonders for your self esteem. I can't offer to split a check and can maybe pencil you in two weeks from now after I'm done researching post traumatic stress disorder in rape victims. I'm not the happiest person after my client with borderline personality disorder tells me she's relapsed on meth again, but instead of destressing I have to study for tomorrow's exam. So I decided to quit dating until I finish school, especially since I'm planning to move after graduation. But then came Turkey...