Monday, January 30, 2012
All I'm trying to do is go to sleep.
I've never felt so alone. All I want is to know what happened, and he won't even give me that. I'm so angry and sad and frustrated and tense right now. And everyone's asleep. It's me and my dog. I asked him if I could call him this morning by text. He said of course so I called him after work. He sent me a voicemail. My phone didn't ring so I think he just went straight to my voicemail on purpose. I called him back a couple times, no answer. And fuck everything that everyone has told me over the past week. He got his space, and now what I really need is closure. So no more 'wait until such and such a date' because why do I have to do it all his way??? I'm looking for a relationship where I CAN BE MYSELF. I shouldn't have to tip toe around and pretend I'm not neurotic because I AM. And anyone who really wants to know me learns that and loves it. I thought he could love it. I really thought he would get me because he is so different, too. You are reading the moment where I give up on this. Everyone tried to console me by telling me not to rush into thinking "space" meant breaking up. WELL THAT'S WHAT IT FUCKING MEANT. And I had to go through a week hoping and wishing and praying, and now here I am sitting here all alone late at night and I just want someone to talk to. But there's only one person in the world who I really want to talk to, and it looks like I'm not getting either tonight.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Ow Ow Ow Ow Ow Ow Ow
My heart, my head, and my body ache. I’ve been bawling, trying to figure things out, and processing with friends. And this isn’t even the end. I’m still hanging on to hope, because things were going so well and I’m not giving up on this one. I LOVE this one. I can’t say I’m “in love” because our relationship hasn’t had that opportunity. But I can say that I absolutely love this kid’s personality and character, and there have been so many times I’ve had to stop myself from saying, “I love you,” because I didn’t want him to freak out. After ignoring my calls/texts, he posted this on facebook: "...but back then I really thought that's how it worked. You put yourself and a girl you like in some romantic setting, the stars line up, and shazam! I know now that life is never that simple..." -the genius of How I met Your Mother.
And for some reason that got me thinking, maybe it’s time to just be clear about things. So I sent him this message:
I really hate to be bothering you like this, but the absolute worst feeling in the world for me is when a guy won’t respond. I realize it hasn’t even been that long, but when I’ve heard from you pretty much every day since summer, it’s super weird to have a day with nothing. I know there were some awkward moments this weekend. Blame it on the alcohol. And on me being awkward. And maybe this is awkward, too, but I think it’s time to just say fuck it and be straightforward with each other. So here it is: I like you—the “I’m attracted to you and have feelings for you” sort of like you. And when I say I don’t have sex outside a committed relationship, I’m not talking about marriage or anything close to it. I’m talking about two people deciding that for now they want to just date each other. And that’s what I want with you. So if there was any confusion with me being sarcastic with my friends about us or babbling about God knows what on Saturday night, let me just be clear right now: I like you and I want to be with you. And if you don’t want the same, I can handle it. I just want you to be straightforward with me, too, because it’s the waiting and wondering that kills me. It took a lot to put all that out there, and I want to respect if you need time or space or something, but please also give me some respect by responding in some way.
Side note: I lied when I said I can handle it. I really don’t know how I’m going to handle it, knowing how I responded to Chill. I made an appointment with a therapist for tomorrow morning and I’ll try to see her twice a week for now. I want to prevent things from getting that bad ever again. Anyways, he did respond by text: This weekend was awkward, confusing, and frustrating. I really need some space. I texted back: Ya I get it. I’m sorry you had to see me so emotional when we weren’t really close enough for you to have to deal with that. Suicide, a possible malpractice suit, and job loss is scary and normally I would just be alone to cry about it or go to friends but it was all happening right then. As for people asking questions, I figured I would just give them random stories and just mess with them because there is no short answer. And as for the drunk night, I can explain but it’s hard to text that much, but I really would like to explain it to you. Or maybe there were other things that I don’t even realize. I realize I can be confusing. I just hope you can explain it to me in more detail and I really hope that by space you don’t mean forever. So let me know and I’m so sincerely sorry :(
He didn’t respond to that one, but I’m really just grateful he responded because that’s all I asked. That would be so cool if he really just needs some time and then decides he wants to be with me. But based on past experience that won’t happen. I’ve decided to wait till Friday to approach him to see if he can tell me what went wrong and decide where to go from here. How to go about it, though??? I’ve been trying to get a bunch of different opinions, especially from guys. My friend’s husband said that when a guy says he needs space, he MEANS it, so give it to him. I needed to hear that because my instinct is to try desperately to find out exactly what went wrong. He said that he has made that same request to take time to examine his feelings and then decided he wanted to pursue the relationship, but this guy could just as easily decide the opposite. All I can do now is pray and lean on my supports…and cry.
And for some reason that got me thinking, maybe it’s time to just be clear about things. So I sent him this message:
I really hate to be bothering you like this, but the absolute worst feeling in the world for me is when a guy won’t respond. I realize it hasn’t even been that long, but when I’ve heard from you pretty much every day since summer, it’s super weird to have a day with nothing. I know there were some awkward moments this weekend. Blame it on the alcohol. And on me being awkward. And maybe this is awkward, too, but I think it’s time to just say fuck it and be straightforward with each other. So here it is: I like you—the “I’m attracted to you and have feelings for you” sort of like you. And when I say I don’t have sex outside a committed relationship, I’m not talking about marriage or anything close to it. I’m talking about two people deciding that for now they want to just date each other. And that’s what I want with you. So if there was any confusion with me being sarcastic with my friends about us or babbling about God knows what on Saturday night, let me just be clear right now: I like you and I want to be with you. And if you don’t want the same, I can handle it. I just want you to be straightforward with me, too, because it’s the waiting and wondering that kills me. It took a lot to put all that out there, and I want to respect if you need time or space or something, but please also give me some respect by responding in some way.
Side note: I lied when I said I can handle it. I really don’t know how I’m going to handle it, knowing how I responded to Chill. I made an appointment with a therapist for tomorrow morning and I’ll try to see her twice a week for now. I want to prevent things from getting that bad ever again. Anyways, he did respond by text: This weekend was awkward, confusing, and frustrating. I really need some space. I texted back: Ya I get it. I’m sorry you had to see me so emotional when we weren’t really close enough for you to have to deal with that. Suicide, a possible malpractice suit, and job loss is scary and normally I would just be alone to cry about it or go to friends but it was all happening right then. As for people asking questions, I figured I would just give them random stories and just mess with them because there is no short answer. And as for the drunk night, I can explain but it’s hard to text that much, but I really would like to explain it to you. Or maybe there were other things that I don’t even realize. I realize I can be confusing. I just hope you can explain it to me in more detail and I really hope that by space you don’t mean forever. So let me know and I’m so sincerely sorry :(
He didn’t respond to that one, but I’m really just grateful he responded because that’s all I asked. That would be so cool if he really just needs some time and then decides he wants to be with me. But based on past experience that won’t happen. I’ve decided to wait till Friday to approach him to see if he can tell me what went wrong and decide where to go from here. How to go about it, though??? I’ve been trying to get a bunch of different opinions, especially from guys. My friend’s husband said that when a guy says he needs space, he MEANS it, so give it to him. I needed to hear that because my instinct is to try desperately to find out exactly what went wrong. He said that he has made that same request to take time to examine his feelings and then decided he wanted to pursue the relationship, but this guy could just as easily decide the opposite. All I can do now is pray and lean on my supports…and cry.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
January Air
I survived another birthday! It was looking like I might actually have a happy birthday about a week prior, and I was allowing myself to enjoy January for the first time in my double-digit life. I had plans to go snowboarding and stay at my friend's cabin with a group of people, including Spongebob. I expected him to cancel after he lost his job, so it meant a lot that he was willing to drop a few bucks to celebrate my birthday with me.
And then the clouds rolled in. Literally. The Weather Channel said so. Rain was expected for the weekend so I decided I wouldn't go up to the cabin. But then my friend was upset because her parents did not rent out the cabin this weekend specifically so we could go there for my birthday. I felt bad so I said I would go, despite feeling very anxious about driving in that weather. I planned on packing the night before and leaving work early the next day. If only the weather was the worst of my problems.
My client attempted suicide during our session. It was a chaotic scene involving pills, yelling, crying, vomiting, sirens, and way too many professionals for me to keep track of. I spent some time with her in the hospital afterward, and she was completely fine. But something so chaotic can never be that simple. The aftermath didn't start till the next morning, the day I was leaving for the cabin. There were more professionals to talk to and everything had to be documented. The mother started calling supervisors at my agency, saying I triggered the suicide attempt and was trying to put the girl in a residential/inpatient setting. I started to get what will surely be only the beginning of questioning. I left work later than I had planned, and it was then that I left the numb "did this really just happen?" state I had been in. I started to cry, and then sob. I started to think about the possible consequences, like being fired or sued or having this on my record. I started to think about death, and life, and the people I love, and my own suicidal thoughts. If life were really beautiful, then I would have saved a life. But life is difficult and unfair, and this is what the reality of the situation is turning out to be: Something about my presence led a girl to attempt to kill herself. The fact that she is alive doesn't matter; we have rescuers, doctors, and fate to thank for that. And this isn't MY reality, but it's the reality that matters, the one that determines my fate. When it's me against a parent, the community's opinion of the agency is what matters. Things have never settled in my favor, and in this case we're dealing with life and death. I really don't know how I'm going to handle this, but I also don't know where to go with my career instead.
When Spongebob showed up, I was still in tears and there was no stopping them. Although I could tell he felt awkward, he handled it beautifully. Over the course of the weekend, I was able to explain that not only was it traumatic to witness a suicide attempt, but I was also worried that this could be the end of my career. It's possible that I could be sued, fired, unlicensable, and unhireable in this field, worst case scenario. I really wanted him to know that I'm not always a basket case (even if it's not the truth). I'm not going to be able to hide it forever, so I guess it's better that he see it now so we can both avoid a time wasted.
I decided to have a birthday do-over the next day since I was so miserable and stressed on the day of. Spongebob and the friends were really cute and supportive of it. We drank all day, which led to this conversation in bed between an obliterated me and pretty damn sober Spongebob:
Me: "We should be friends forever. Please don't fade me out. We can go back to how it used to be, where we would randomly text and see each other. It doesn't have to be awkward."
Spongebob: "Stop. Stop talking about that."
I laid there quietly and thought about how despite my efforts to be happy this winter, here I was again having another sad January. I thought about my grandma and how much I miss her and wondered if it's really a blessing that her birth, death, the new year, and my birthday all come in January. If these things were spread out, I'd be thinking about the anniversary of shitty things all year long. It's best that I can just get it all out of the way and get on with my year. But HOW will I handle losing Spongebob? I was too drunk to imagine it. I fumbled around in the bathroom for awhile and then went back to bed. "I hope you at least had fun this weekend," he said...his voice sounded sad and sorry. "Yeahmmffh," I snuggled up to him and he squeezed me. "I like you a lot," I whispered. "I like you, too."
The next day we were back to normal. But I can't help thinking that I'm such a terrible, fucked up, inconvenience to him. Part of me wants to push away just so he can have a better chance at happiness, but part of me hopes that deep down he's just as fucked up as me so he might stay with me.
And then the clouds rolled in. Literally. The Weather Channel said so. Rain was expected for the weekend so I decided I wouldn't go up to the cabin. But then my friend was upset because her parents did not rent out the cabin this weekend specifically so we could go there for my birthday. I felt bad so I said I would go, despite feeling very anxious about driving in that weather. I planned on packing the night before and leaving work early the next day. If only the weather was the worst of my problems.
My client attempted suicide during our session. It was a chaotic scene involving pills, yelling, crying, vomiting, sirens, and way too many professionals for me to keep track of. I spent some time with her in the hospital afterward, and she was completely fine. But something so chaotic can never be that simple. The aftermath didn't start till the next morning, the day I was leaving for the cabin. There were more professionals to talk to and everything had to be documented. The mother started calling supervisors at my agency, saying I triggered the suicide attempt and was trying to put the girl in a residential/inpatient setting. I started to get what will surely be only the beginning of questioning. I left work later than I had planned, and it was then that I left the numb "did this really just happen?" state I had been in. I started to cry, and then sob. I started to think about the possible consequences, like being fired or sued or having this on my record. I started to think about death, and life, and the people I love, and my own suicidal thoughts. If life were really beautiful, then I would have saved a life. But life is difficult and unfair, and this is what the reality of the situation is turning out to be: Something about my presence led a girl to attempt to kill herself. The fact that she is alive doesn't matter; we have rescuers, doctors, and fate to thank for that. And this isn't MY reality, but it's the reality that matters, the one that determines my fate. When it's me against a parent, the community's opinion of the agency is what matters. Things have never settled in my favor, and in this case we're dealing with life and death. I really don't know how I'm going to handle this, but I also don't know where to go with my career instead.
When Spongebob showed up, I was still in tears and there was no stopping them. Although I could tell he felt awkward, he handled it beautifully. Over the course of the weekend, I was able to explain that not only was it traumatic to witness a suicide attempt, but I was also worried that this could be the end of my career. It's possible that I could be sued, fired, unlicensable, and unhireable in this field, worst case scenario. I really wanted him to know that I'm not always a basket case (even if it's not the truth). I'm not going to be able to hide it forever, so I guess it's better that he see it now so we can both avoid a time wasted.
I decided to have a birthday do-over the next day since I was so miserable and stressed on the day of. Spongebob and the friends were really cute and supportive of it. We drank all day, which led to this conversation in bed between an obliterated me and pretty damn sober Spongebob:
Me: "We should be friends forever. Please don't fade me out. We can go back to how it used to be, where we would randomly text and see each other. It doesn't have to be awkward."
Spongebob: "Stop. Stop talking about that."
I laid there quietly and thought about how despite my efforts to be happy this winter, here I was again having another sad January. I thought about my grandma and how much I miss her and wondered if it's really a blessing that her birth, death, the new year, and my birthday all come in January. If these things were spread out, I'd be thinking about the anniversary of shitty things all year long. It's best that I can just get it all out of the way and get on with my year. But HOW will I handle losing Spongebob? I was too drunk to imagine it. I fumbled around in the bathroom for awhile and then went back to bed. "I hope you at least had fun this weekend," he said...his voice sounded sad and sorry. "Yeahmmffh," I snuggled up to him and he squeezed me. "I like you a lot," I whispered. "I like you, too."
The next day we were back to normal. But I can't help thinking that I'm such a terrible, fucked up, inconvenience to him. Part of me wants to push away just so he can have a better chance at happiness, but part of me hopes that deep down he's just as fucked up as me so he might stay with me.
Monday, January 2, 2012
What if 2012 is Amazing?
I haven't had an amazing year since 2006. I don't know, I'm just judging by my facebook timeline. Ever since I was little, I'd get depressed at this time of year. I was sad the holidays were over and I didn't know when I'd see my extended family again. I've just never been the type to say 'this year will be different' and decide to make a bunch of changes along with the rest of the world. So I'm def not saying I think 2012 will be different, but what if it is?
New Year's Eve was definitely amazing! Spongebob and I went to my friend's potluck and then to a party. We drank Veuve Clicqot and shotgunned weed. My friend asked us if we would kiss at midnight and I said, "Well I guess we'll have to," which was sufficiently awkward, but took away all awkwardness at kissing time...until she sprayed silly string on us mid-kiss. We stumbled home at about 5AM and had some more fun ;) He asked for head but I reminded him of my no casual sex rule. We spent the next day recovering together.
Today he was laid off :( He doesn't know this, but I cried for him. I forgot what it's like to care...to not be obsessed and anxious and preoccupied with what my next move will be...but just to have my heart feel for another person. It's totally different than empathy during therapy. I said I'd be there for him, and he offered to take me to dinner. I think he's being a little too positive at a time like this, and were he a client I would pry a little. Then again, he's never really had to worry about money, so maybe he means it when he calls this an opportunity.
I've been so caught up in finding a boyfriend that I just realized I don't really know how to be a girlfriend! So here's to being a girlfriend in 2012 :)
New Year's Eve was definitely amazing! Spongebob and I went to my friend's potluck and then to a party. We drank Veuve Clicqot and shotgunned weed. My friend asked us if we would kiss at midnight and I said, "Well I guess we'll have to," which was sufficiently awkward, but took away all awkwardness at kissing time...until she sprayed silly string on us mid-kiss. We stumbled home at about 5AM and had some more fun ;) He asked for head but I reminded him of my no casual sex rule. We spent the next day recovering together.
Today he was laid off :( He doesn't know this, but I cried for him. I forgot what it's like to care...to not be obsessed and anxious and preoccupied with what my next move will be...but just to have my heart feel for another person. It's totally different than empathy during therapy. I said I'd be there for him, and he offered to take me to dinner. I think he's being a little too positive at a time like this, and were he a client I would pry a little. Then again, he's never really had to worry about money, so maybe he means it when he calls this an opportunity.
I've been so caught up in finding a boyfriend that I just realized I don't really know how to be a girlfriend! So here's to being a girlfriend in 2012 :)
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