I Seem to Have Forgotten a Few Things

I just realized that I forgot a HUGE detail in my first post--Spongebob! This was when I was about 20 and in my slutty phase. I guess I didn't include him because it was only a pseudo-relationship. That's literally what we agreed upon and what we called it. We held hands, cuddled, fucked, watched cartoons, got drunk, went out with each others' friends...he was actually more of a relationship than most of my relationships. Only we didn't go on dates, we didn't get in fights, and we never broke up. Eventually we distanced from each other and he got a girlfriend and I stopped having casual sex, but to this day we're still friends. It all started when my sister had a crush on him in college, and one day I responded when he popped up on her AIM (yeah, we're OG). We chatted ALL the time and one night we randomly decided to meet up. I don't know what ever happened with my sister in all this...but he was at her wedding so I guess it doesn't matter :) We've met each others' families, go to the same church, and my brother ended up joining his fraternity so they're friends now, too. It all sounds VERY small town and none of this would be relevant had it actually happened in a small town. Anyways, neither of us have been in a serious relationship in awhile and he recently said we should go on a practice date. I laughed it off and said our pseudo-relationship got complicated in the past. See, he doesn't know it but I developed feelings for him at one point. I was sort of freaked out and embarrassed by it, and that's just a no-no with fuck buddies so nobody knows this. Usually one person starts to have feelings and since that person was me I figured he couldn't. Plus he was a fuck-up and I didn't want to date him :P He was very frat boy at the time and I am two years older than him. But now he has a career and has calmed down...

Another boy I forgot is Nicky! Hi Nick :) We met on match.com and became friends. We should be featured in one of their ads!!! Well now he is ENGAGED--YAY! But I have a feeling Mrs. Nicky isn't so into me...which brings me to another thing I forgot. I am hot. I really talk myself down on here and it has been difficult to watch myself age, but really guys, I could have been a part time model (please google part time model if that doesn't ring a bell). Right now I am not even full time doing anything, though, because I just got LASIK. Google image subconjunctival hemorrhage and imagine staring at that for your therapy hour, sooo I'm taking some time off. Even if these kids are being paid for by MediCal I still don't think they deserve to look at that. I would have waited till after the holidays had I known this would happen because taking sick time is seen as a MAJOR WEAKNESS and billing is tight this time of year. I also would have pumped up my billing before the surgery, but I just sort of got impatient and jumped into it. I think down the line I'll be very happy with it because my vision is incredible and the halos/dry eye aren't really happening. I just get so scared I'm going to wake up or rub my eye and it will all be gone!!! I was actually very depressed afterward because I look like a zombie (a hot zombie) and it's such a strange change to go through.

Ok, so Youtube. He ended up being incredibly narcissistic...and I'm talking personality disordered narcissistic. This guy talked about himself for hours while I had an asthma attack. I probably should have told him I needed to go home to get my inhaler, but he could have asked! We just sort of faded out, which is ok...but now how will I get to his hotter, funnier Youtube friends?

And lastly, I have a new obsession: The Hunger Games. OMG. Lord of the Flies meets Brave New World meets AWESOME. I got an audible.com account and I'm out of credits so I have to wait for books 2 and 3. I'm excited to be into one of these tween book/movie/saga sensations. I just wasn't into Harry Potter and Twilight absolutely disgusts me. Lord of the Rings confuckingfused me. I guess I have a thing for all out bloodbaths because Kill Bill is one of my faves. I also find the dynamics of the psyche in a dystopian fight to the death incredibly intriguing. Oh, and I'm calling a Liam Hemsworth/Miley Cyrus breakup now that he's got his big break.

Place Your Bets

How does it end? Soon to come...

Go Figure

Soooo remember how I never wanted to date again because my sad heart can't take it anymore? Well, somehow I'm dating again. It was an accident! I was perusing okcupid, I guess to guage my readiness to date again, because I really do want to meet someone at some point. But I had planned on going to therapy and maybe working out some of my man issues first. Some guys messaged me, and one of them caught my eye...and my sense of humor. I was having fun just emailing but then he wanted to call me. And then he wanted to go out with me. I felt like it would have been rude to lure this guy in and then just disappear, so I agreed to meet him. I figured we wouldn't have chemistry and would just be friends, which would greatly benefit me as he has some somewhat famous connections (and I desperately need friends). We went to a wine bar and were going to order some appetizers, but before we knew it hours had passed and they were closing. I found myself in the Carl's Jr. drive-thru WAY too late on a work night thinking, "What the heck did I just get myself into?"

We shall call him Youtube. I knew I liked him when he told me he signs his receipts with pictures of penises. I don't know why he likes me because I've been a dorky, ditzy, broken out hot mess lately, but it seems like he likes me. We went out again and stayed up till 5:00AM...and my pants never came off :) Good thing I enjoyed it because when I tried to leave my car had been towed. He took me to pick it up and it had two more parking tickets on the windshield. FML. Though I handled it quite gracefully, I must say. And I can probably get through a couple more dates without offering to pay after he watched me shell out that cash ;)

I don't really know what my strategy is this time around. I've tried suppressing my hopes for the future and ended up getting hurt anyway. Right now I'm tempted to just let myself have that fairy tale fantasy because either way it's fun to daydream. So I guess my strategy is enjoy it while it lasts...and then stalk his videos after it's over.

From My Rotting Body Flowers Shall Grow

I've been crying for 27 years. I'm not sure when it switched from crying because I was hungry to crying because I hated myself. I wonder how soon self-hatred can begin, because I feel like it's always been there, like it's a part of me. I hated that I was shy. I hated that I was naughty. I hated my clothes. I hated that I didn't know what to do to fit in. I hated that I was smart, but I felt dumb. I hated my voice, my teeth, my bones, the bags under my eyes, the breasts that didn't grow. The things I created, the love that I gave that was never enough--if my awkward hands touched it, my small mouth spoke it, or my simple mind thought it, then it must be terrible just like me. I cried over all these things. But that wasn't enough so I cried longer and harder. I cried the air out of my lungs in the shower till all the hot water was gone. And when I looked in the mirror at my pink, puffy face, I cried at how ugly my crying made me. Eventually the words weren't giving me what I deserved. So the razor did. The first time I cut myself was on my hip bones. Those horrible, jutting, bony, ugly hip bones. I felt bad for people who had to look at me, and every time my pants rubbed against my wounds, justice was being served. But then the guilt would set in for doing something so disgusting. Eventually this was all too much and I decided it was time to go. Vodka, pills, and a long vertical incision in a hot bath was the plan. I traced the veins in my arms, imagining what it would be like to actually go through with it. My self-hatred might be the thing that saved me--I told myself I was too stupid to actually make it work. I don't know what my mom said to me, but I'll never forget the moment I blurted out, "Do you know I know the exact way I want to die?" My parents sat me down and talked to me, and all I can remember was my dad telling me he'd do anything for me.

I am the most precious, invaluable thing on this earth. Simply being born made me that way. I am someone's child, and to take that away would cause the most unimaginable pain. So for now, that keeps me here. I deal with the pain and loneliness and sadness because ending it for me wouldn't really be ending it; it would just be giving it to them. So here I am at 27, still crying. I don't remember what I did on my 27th birthday. I didn't tell people it was my birthday, and for a few months I thought I was 28. Still, when people ask me, I start to say 28. Although I've thought about it a lot I can't figure out why this little nuance happened. But in thinking about it I realized I can't imagine being 29. Sure, 28. But when imagining the future, it doesn't go past there. The feeling runs so deep that if I hit 29 I will be genuinely confused. It's so strong that I couldn't write that sentence with "when" instead of "if." Maybe next year I'll start going backwards like Benjamin Button. I'll go all the way back to the moment that little seed of hate started growing, say, "You're beautiful," and maybe even feel happy.

Never Saw This One Coming

It was hard to fight my feelings for Chill. Even though I knew he was wrong for me and wasn't giving me what I needed, I just liked being liked. I slept with him, and I planned on avoiding the cuddle to prevent further attachment, but those feelings in my heart just felt so good. I was worried that things were ending because our contacts had declined, but I always worry things are ending so it seemed normal. I called him before I went on vacation and we had an average conversation. While I was away, I forwarded him the birth control reminder text I had signed up for. It was cheesy, something like "water balloon fights get you wet which means you have to take your clothes off. Put in your nuvaring and toss one at the guy you like." He texted back 'yaaaa no thanks' so I said "uh ok fine I'll keep em on" thinking he might be referring to the lameness of it and that he'd text back about wanting me to take my clothes off. But this is what I got back: "dont waste the ring either lol". And that my friends, was how I got dumped this time. I tried calling but he texted that he couldn't talk now because he was working and then had an early flight. Because I still didn't understand what was happening, I continued to text and call over the next couple days. Since he didn't respond, I knew he had ditched me so I just wanted some kind of closure. I called his work this morning, which finally prompted him to give me the closure I needed in the form of this text: "Really? Tracking down my work number-after me being very obvious that I do not want to continue talking to/seeing you? That is CRAZY. There is NOTHING going on, clearly. And if it still isn't clear: Do not write me, do not call me, do not text me, do not stalk me on linkedin, and do not send anything to my work. If you are looking for an explanation, I simply do not see any kind of future for us, EVER. I'm sorry, but that's it." WOW. I don't think I've ever had anyone be so MEAN. I've been hurt more than a few times, but the guys have always given me an honest explanation and felt bad about it.

I can't stop crying. I'm so hurt. I've been hurt so many times. I wish this whole experience would have just confirmed that I really do want to remain single, but actually it's done the opposite. I realized that I do want a husband and children. I want to be loved more than anything, and I have so much love to give. But to find that means risking this pain all over again God knows how many times, and I really don't think I can handle it. And I REALLY mean that. My boss let me leave work today because I burst into tears with her, and I can't imagine how I'm going to go in tomorrow. Here is something I wrote in my journal last night: "I closed my eyes on the freeway today. I could feel the car moving as the sun seeped through my eyelids. The tears pushed and burned to get out. I want to die. I want to die so bad but I just can't do it. I don't know if it's fear or hope keeping me alive, but it's only a thread."

I've been thinking about finding a therapist, but now I've reached that point where I know without a doubt I need help. I'm seriously thinking about calling my psychiatrist to see if I can get some time off work. I went off Paxil because I thought it might be giving me sexual side effects, but maybe I need to be on it because I haven't been able to fight off this depression. For now, my mommy will have to do. My friends have been so supportive, but I feel like I just need to be near my mom.

Taming The Crazy

Will I ever be able to stop The Crazy?! I don't know that I've ever explained what I mean by The Crazy. It's that obsessive, anxious state I get in when I like a guy. The wheels start turning and I convince myself he's going to leave. I know it stems from my anxious attachment as a child. I was loved and never had one experience that even came close to abuse or neglect. But because of my inborn temperament and maybe my parents' anxiety, I was always anxious about my needs being met or our trust being broken. I learned not to express much emotion, which in turn made my parents have to guess what I needed from them. We weren't in tune, and so developed the anxious attachment. I KNOW this is why I am the way I am. I sort of know how to treat a person with attachment issues. But I haven't quite figured out how to solve this problem for myself.

The Crazy started to rear its head a bit this weekend. Chill told me he would come over on the 4th of July. I pictured a day rolling around in bed followed by fireworks (literal fireworks, not the mushy gushy orgasmic kind). But then he changes his mind and spends the day with his family. And out of nowhere the feelings hit me. I was pissed at him for flaking and then I started worrying that my feelings for him would get stronger, which will make things hurt more in the end. I thought about just quitting right then to prevent any future complications. And then I thought maybe I shouldn't have sex with him because sex releases chemicals that make you have stronger feelings for a person. But then I reminded myself that I haven't had sex in two and a half years due to my intense fear of HPV and cervical cancer, and thought, 'FUCK THAT SHIT I NEED TO GET LAID.' This led to my google search for how to suppress said chemicals and how to avoid falling in love. Turns out suppression of those chemicals is possible, but has only been tested on some little rodent things, so that's out. One psychiatrist said it might be possible by taking high doses of Prozac to numb all emotions. I'm already on a shit-ton of meds and I'm nowhere near numb so that lady needs to get her facts straight. It was comforting to know that a great deal of people have also searched for how to avoid falling in love, though. One response at http://www.experienceproject.com/question-answer/Is-It-Possible-To-Stop-Yourself-From-Falling-In-Love/1536 was very profound to me. User Duana said "it is possible to stop yourself from falling in love is [sic] because at the very heart of love is free will. If you can't stop it long enough to make your own choice about it- it is not really love- you are being swept away by something else." The reiteration that this is my choice brought back my sense of control and immediately relief swept over me. So, until next time, The Crazy has been abated :) Now I can go back to just being horny. I mentioned my sexual frustration in a text message convo with Chill. His response was 'sorry, I tend to take it slow...soooo prepare accordingly :)' WTF does that mean?! Rub it out before our dates? It's time for a wax? Go buy condoms?

So anyways, besides my constant fantasizing about my next contraction of HPV, my latest obsession has been...drum roll please...FERTILITY AWARENESS/NATURAL FAMILY PLANNING! So lame, right? But seriously, I find it absolutely fascinating. The fact that our bodies are constantly working to create life and the fact that I can become so attuned with what's going on in my body is just so friggin' amazing. I've learned so much about my body, and I love that there's this whole online community with a common set of acronyms. I'm jumping on the bandwagon and will be recording my basal body temperature and cervical mucus/position. I even bought some ovulation and pregnancy tests. I'm totally NOT planning/expecting/wanting a pregnancy, but I've been sexually active for ten years (um okay, maybe subtract the last two) and have never taken a pregnancy test. It just feels like it's an experience every woman has that I've missed out on. Which probably speaks to my awesomeness at protected sex, but I want to pee on a stick like all the other girls, damnit! Oh PS, I'm on Nuvaring (for acne) so my results won't be typical. I think it will be cool to compare with a friend of mine who isn't on birth control. Plus, sometimes I take acne medication that messes with birth control so I'll get a better idea of how that affects things.

Alright, one last thing. As I was watching trying to conceive vlogs, I stumbled upon a video of a girl's wedding. As soon as Canon started playing, my eyes welled up. I was hit with the fact that even though my mind is set on Plan B, my heart still truly wants Plan A. Chill is not so keen on marriage (his outlook seems very similar to Aaron Karo [http://www.ruminations.com/column/176]) and he is pretty much disgusted by babies. So even though I have a man-friend (which is what I'll call him forever because he thinks the "defining the relationship" conversation is silly and middle-schoolish because you should just know what the status is based on how the relationship is going [sidenote: I HATE when people say they're exclusive but not "boyfriend/girlfriend." They're one in the same, and I'm not going to be exclusive if you're afraid of titles...and no exclusivity means condoms EVERY TIME, including oral]). Bottom-line I still have some work to do to fully get over Plan A. Oy, somebody get me some Prozac.

Oh, Hey.

Oh hey there, blog. It's been awhile :) The last post was "Done," and I really was done. Done with dating, and I am still done!!! I don't know if that's normal, but "normal" to most girls is go out with a flurry of boys until one puts up with you and then you latch yourself to him and ignore everything that's wrong with the relationship so you can achieve your dream of getting married and having babies, after which you use all your strength to keep that boy married to you so it appears as if you have the perfect life...the perfect mom, the perfect wife, the perfect life. I sound bitter, don't I? All my friends said I was bitter and would go back to wanting all of that. But six months later, I haven't. I finished out my Match subscription and celebrated that day in February. Free at last! I'm free from that obsession with finding "The One" who will be "The Husband" and "The Father." I wasn't happy with being free at first. Being free meant I had to pursue a different path in life where I focus on my career, travel, adoption, friends, family, and me being with me. See, I can't just say to myself, 'whatever happens, happens.' I have to plan and set goals and MAKE what happens, happen. And working toward a goal that wasn't happening was ruining my life. So if I create a goal that I actually have control over, I can keep myself sane. And if I accidentally end up on path #1 with a husband and children, then at least I can have fun getting there.
So I bet you weren't wondering how not dating affects dating. Well, remember Chill? We were talking on Facebook, and ended up hanging out. Which led to texting all day, late night phone calls, making plans, and basically everything that looks like dating. Except without the crazy. By not dating, I can enjoy my time with him without worrying if he is the one and bla bla bla. He actually commented on how I seem more relaxed this time around.
So yeah, I'm not going to idealize this and imagine that I've made my life perfect with this new view. I realize I have feelings for him and that means inevitably feelings will get hurt at some point no matter what happens. But this is what used to happen: I'd start having feelings, which would trigger my fear of getting hurt, which would convince me of the impending demise of the relationship, which would trigger the depression and the crazy, which would trigger the end of the relationship...all before the relationship even started. I would actually cry about how the guy didn't like me and how it didn't work out while we were still dating. Imagine going through the pain of a breakup the whole duration of a relationship, and then having to go through that pain again when the relationship actually ends. It HURTS. But this time, it doesn't <3