It was hard to fight my feelings for Chill. Even though I knew he was wrong for me and wasn't giving me what I needed, I just liked being liked. I slept with him, and I planned on avoiding the cuddle to prevent further attachment, but those feelings in my heart just felt so good. I was worried that things were ending because our contacts had declined, but I always worry things are ending so it seemed normal. I called him before I went on vacation and we had an average conversation. While I was away, I forwarded him the birth control reminder text I had signed up for. It was cheesy, something like "water balloon fights get you wet which means you have to take your clothes off. Put in your nuvaring and toss one at the guy you like." He texted back 'yaaaa no thanks' so I said "uh ok fine I'll keep em on" thinking he might be referring to the lameness of it and that he'd text back about wanting me to take my clothes off. But this is what I got back: "dont waste the ring either lol". And that my friends, was how I got dumped this time. I tried calling but he texted that he couldn't talk now because he was working and then had an early flight. Because I still didn't understand what was happening, I continued to text and call over the next couple days. Since he didn't respond, I knew he had ditched me so I just wanted some kind of closure. I called his work this morning, which finally prompted him to give me the closure I needed in the form of this text: "Really? Tracking down my work number-after me being very obvious that I do not want to continue talking to/seeing you? That is CRAZY. There is NOTHING going on, clearly. And if it still isn't clear: Do not write me, do not call me, do not text me, do not stalk me on linkedin, and do not send anything to my work. If you are looking for an explanation, I simply do not see any kind of future for us, EVER. I'm sorry, but that's it." WOW. I don't think I've ever had anyone be so MEAN. I've been hurt more than a few times, but the guys have always given me an honest explanation and felt bad about it.
I can't stop crying. I'm so hurt. I've been hurt so many times. I wish this whole experience would have just confirmed that I really do want to remain single, but actually it's done the opposite. I realized that I do want a husband and children. I want to be loved more than anything, and I have so much love to give. But to find that means risking this pain all over again God knows how many times, and I really don't think I can handle it. And I REALLY mean that. My boss let me leave work today because I burst into tears with her, and I can't imagine how I'm going to go in tomorrow. Here is something I wrote in my journal last night: "I closed my eyes on the freeway today. I could feel the car moving as the sun seeped through my eyelids. The tears pushed and burned to get out. I want to die. I want to die so bad but I just can't do it. I don't know if it's fear or hope keeping me alive, but it's only a thread."
I've been thinking about finding a therapist, but now I've reached that point where I know without a doubt I need help. I'm seriously thinking about calling my psychiatrist to see if I can get some time off work. I went off Paxil because I thought it might be giving me sexual side effects, but maybe I need to be on it because I haven't been able to fight off this depression. For now, my mommy will have to do. My friends have been so supportive, but I feel like I just need to be near my mom.
