The End

Turkey and I had been having a discussion about this video about crazy cat ladies, and I told him I could actually relate to one of the ladies. I also explained what happened during a little freak out I had about going to a job fair. All of this was over chat/email so he couldn't actually see the emotion going on. GOOD THING, because I just got an email back that he didn't know what to say and he felt like he hadn't earned my trust for those disclosures. He still wants to be friends, "but easy on the disclosure." This really has me wondering if I'm a fucking crazy person?! I mean, this guy is a real nice person, a therapist, and the things going on in my heart and mind are too much for him? Through doing therapy and in training and by talking to close friends, I really don't think that my stuff is abnormal. Sure, it's stuff you don't share with everybody, but not crazy stuff that will scare people away. But it did. And deep down, I think that was the goal all along. I go into things knowing a guy will hurt me. And he hurt me when he said he didn't want to date me, but I decided to stick with it and just take what I could get from this guy. But I just had to prove that he couldn't even handle a friendship with me, so I pushed it. I showed him the crazy and pushed him to the brink. And now it's over. I responded by telling him I realized it was a pushing away move, but I also thought he was safe. I gave him my address to send my graduation pictures. And that's it. Peace and love, good riddance. Although honestly I'm not wishing those things upon him. I hope he feels horrible and stupid and full of regret. And I wish I could hold onto that anger because otherwise I start turning inward. Another message that I'm not OK as I am, and that nobody will ever truly accept me. Thanks a lot, Turkey. Or maybe it's only myself I have to thank for all this?

The Cold, Hard Truth

I'm always cognizant of the fact that I'm single. It's always a lingering thought in the back of my mind that I can't fully get rid of. Even if I'm doing some great single girl activity I'm thinking about how I couldn't be doing that thing if I had a boyfriend/husband/family...and how I'd give up every great single girl activity in a heartbeat for the love and support of a significant other. There are some things, though, that will stop you in your tracks and remind you that you are, in fact, ALONE.

The first time I really, truly realized this was in Ikea. I had just moved out of my parents' house and was buying furniture. I was struggling to get the boxes off the shelves when a lady tried to help me. I laughed it off and said I'm fine, thanks. I was a strong, single girl; I could do it on my own. She called me a bitch and walked away. I looked down so no one would see and wiped away a tear. I'm not strong. And I can't do it alone.

Today I'm having another one of those moments. I'm going to Sacramento to lobby Congress...awesome girl power, right?! I couldn't leave for a whole weekend if I had a family!!! Only I forgot I have a dog...I've been holed up doing projects and studying all semester so I feel too guilty to ask my friends. I don't want to be one of those people who only calls when they need something. That applies to asking for a ride to the airport, too. So now I'm going to end up paying for a cab and going into more debt for doggy day care. Maybe I have a problem asking for help. But if the solution to my single girl problems is making money so I can pay people to help me, social work may have been the wrong profession.

I'm reminded of this song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o63Tap4YGo0