I let Turkey know that I would be home for the weekend and asked if he wanted to go for a hike. He was in class at the time and was switching to lab so he had to go. And then I didn't hear from him...I got all sad and went crazy and ended up texting him almost a week later. He texted back and we made plans like it was no big deal.
So the day of I met him at his house with my dog and we made sandwiches to take with us. He drove us up there (nice car!) and we spent a few hours having a picnic and hiking. We talked a lot about our families and who we are. He said he has an anxious/avoidant attachment style, which I'll get to later. His family is a little emotionally distant and he didn't see a very close, loving relationship between his parents. Afterward, we took a long drive to this ice cream and cookie place before heading back to his place. We looked at the pictures he took that day and just hung out for a bit. When it was time for me to go, I actually had to ask him to walk me to my car (it was dark by this time) and he gave me a quick hug goodbye. I sat there in disbelief because we spent an entire day together and we click so well, but absolutely no flirting and definitely no kiss.
This was a week ago and we've been emailing and talking on the phone since then. We set up a photo shoot for my grad pictures that he can use in his portfolio and he has been helping me get a cell phone discount, so while we do chat for a while, it's not like he is contacting me just to say hey. In asking for advice for a friend, I got a few tidbits about what he likes. He said forward girls turn him off, he likes to be friends before starting a relationship, and if a guy likes a girl he will make something happen. Whether it was a message for me or not, I got a strong message to back off! I've talked to some friends that say don't waste any more time, but in all honesty I need closure before I can do that. I was planning on telling him how I feel but I chickened out, and with this new information I just can't do it anytime soon.
As far as attachment goes, a person who does not develop a close bond with his/her caregiver and develops an anxious/avoidant attachment style goes on to avoid intimacy and feel insecure while in a relationship. This might answer the question about why he is still single, and actually gives me a little hope. Getting into a relationship with an avoidant guy is not the best idea, but we attract people who are on the same level as us, and I also have an avoidant and definitely very anxious style.
So he wants to be "friends first," but the question is does that mean friends forever? From what he has said, it sounds like if he wants more he will let me know. But there will come a point where I will need closure and separation to grieve about losing what I had hoped for. So the revised plan is for me to accept this friendship, and when it gets closer to May when I'm moving back home I'll initiate a little chat.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Dream: The Dresses
I have a lot of curious dreams. Any given day you could ask me about last night's dream and I'll probably have one to tell you about. I like to analyze my dreams from a Gestalt perspective, so I'll put myself in the view of different objects in my dream. Usually one of the main objects will open my eyes up to something I've been feeling subconsciously, so I'm able to deal with it.
Here is the dream the way it happened:
I'm camping with family, or maybe this is where we live. There are a bunch of trailers and motor homes in an old west feeling campsite. Homeless people stay here, too, but we're not homeless. We are more well-to-do and we travel around helping the homeless people. My job is to sort through clothing donations and give only the best clothing to the homeless people. In today's pile, I find three sheer chiffon dresses. They would be beautiful dresses, but they have stains and bleach spots on them. I take the dresses back to my trailer and speak to another female, possibly a friend or my sister, about my dilemma. I want to give them to the homeless people because they are so beautiful, but would they be offended that I gave them stained clothing? Maybe I could just put them out on a tree branch and if someone wants them they will take them. Or maybe I should approach someone who might like them and explain that I mean no offense by giving away these dresses, despite their flaws. Maybe someone will even like the dresses because they have spots on them?
That is where I woke up. Now here is the dream from the perspective of the dresses:
I'm sitting in a pile with other clothes, flawless clothes that will be chosen without question. Someone has noticed me, and thinks I'm beautiful even though I have such obvious flaws. She doesn't know what to do with me, though. She is thinking about leaving me on a tree branch. What if I blow away or get torn? What if nobody sees me or knows I am there for the taking? She is thinking about giving me to someone and explaining that I am still beautiful despite my flaws. But why point out my shortcomings? How embarrassing! And why should someone have to be convinced to like me, aren't I beautiful as I am? Oh please, just accept me! Let me be of good use...send me away with the other good clothes and let someone decide to love me as I am.
It became obvious to me I'm having a little battle with myself about self-acceptance. But I also wonder if this is related to Turkey. We've been chatting a lot, and often times I'm left wondering if I should have said what I did and how it was perceived. I feel like he sees me as a quirky bad girl. What I want to convey is the wholesome, matronly side of me, but in joking and being honest to a fault I just don't know if he is getting that. Does he think I'm a complete loon? Maybe he talks to me so much not because I have any potential with him, but because listening to this moron is just plain entertaining. Yes, I'm flawed. But I am also beautiful. Will he be able to see and accept that?
Here is the dream the way it happened:
I'm camping with family, or maybe this is where we live. There are a bunch of trailers and motor homes in an old west feeling campsite. Homeless people stay here, too, but we're not homeless. We are more well-to-do and we travel around helping the homeless people. My job is to sort through clothing donations and give only the best clothing to the homeless people. In today's pile, I find three sheer chiffon dresses. They would be beautiful dresses, but they have stains and bleach spots on them. I take the dresses back to my trailer and speak to another female, possibly a friend or my sister, about my dilemma. I want to give them to the homeless people because they are so beautiful, but would they be offended that I gave them stained clothing? Maybe I could just put them out on a tree branch and if someone wants them they will take them. Or maybe I should approach someone who might like them and explain that I mean no offense by giving away these dresses, despite their flaws. Maybe someone will even like the dresses because they have spots on them?
That is where I woke up. Now here is the dream from the perspective of the dresses:
I'm sitting in a pile with other clothes, flawless clothes that will be chosen without question. Someone has noticed me, and thinks I'm beautiful even though I have such obvious flaws. She doesn't know what to do with me, though. She is thinking about leaving me on a tree branch. What if I blow away or get torn? What if nobody sees me or knows I am there for the taking? She is thinking about giving me to someone and explaining that I am still beautiful despite my flaws. But why point out my shortcomings? How embarrassing! And why should someone have to be convinced to like me, aren't I beautiful as I am? Oh please, just accept me! Let me be of good use...send me away with the other good clothes and let someone decide to love me as I am.
It became obvious to me I'm having a little battle with myself about self-acceptance. But I also wonder if this is related to Turkey. We've been chatting a lot, and often times I'm left wondering if I should have said what I did and how it was perceived. I feel like he sees me as a quirky bad girl. What I want to convey is the wholesome, matronly side of me, but in joking and being honest to a fault I just don't know if he is getting that. Does he think I'm a complete loon? Maybe he talks to me so much not because I have any potential with him, but because listening to this moron is just plain entertaining. Yes, I'm flawed. But I am also beautiful. Will he be able to see and accept that?
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