Unlovable

Today Turkey called me and told me he feels like he’s been ambiguous and wants to be clear that he just wants to be friends. I said it’s obvious he’s telling me this because he could tell I have feelings for him. I asked him what it is that gets me to this place…guys always leaving me. He said he felt like I was the one pursuing and he’s never gone for that. Ladder 1 had also told me for future reference that I should never tell a guy I like him. I guess that’s such a horrible thing to be liked by me. Anyway so Turkey was asking what I want because he wants to be friends but wants me to be comfortable. And I said I don’t know what I want, you decide. And we went back and forth like that for awhile till finally he said he would give me time to think and then email me. So I deleted his facebook and texts and stuff to get rid of the reminders. I don’t know what I’ll decide, but I guess that’s sort of the point of him giving me time. I know the best thing for me to get over him is to stop all contact.

One day he’ll just be another guy I wrote about in my diary. One day maybe my heart won’t be broken. But what’s sad is I can’t write that sentence without the maybe. Because the fact that I scare guys away makes me feel like a monster; an ugly, unlovable, scary monster. And that thought breaks me more than it breaks my heart. It’s not about this particular guy at all…it’s about a series of events over 26 years that have beaten these thoughts into me. And maybe the thoughts themselves are what make me unlovable. It’s a downward spiral and I try over and over again to find someone who will love me and prove me wrong. I know I’ve got to prove myself wrong for that to happen, but it’s that acceptance from someone else that I seek for my proof. And it’s especially hard right now, when yet again I just wasn’t good enough.