My heart, my head, and my body ache. I’ve been bawling, trying to figure things out, and processing with friends. And this isn’t even the end. I’m still hanging on to hope, because things were going so well and I’m not giving up on this one. I LOVE this one. I can’t say I’m “in love” because our relationship hasn’t had that opportunity. But I can say that I absolutely love this kid’s personality and character, and there have been so many times I’ve had to stop myself from saying, “I love you,” because I didn’t want him to freak out. After ignoring my calls/texts, he posted this on facebook: "...but back then I really thought that's how it worked. You put yourself and a girl you like in some romantic setting, the stars line up, and shazam! I know now that life is never that simple..." -the genius of How I met Your Mother.
And for some reason that got me thinking, maybe it’s time to just be clear about things. So I sent him this message:
I really hate to be bothering you like this, but the absolute worst feeling in the world for me is when a guy won’t respond. I realize it hasn’t even been that long, but when I’ve heard from you pretty much every day since summer, it’s super weird to have a day with nothing. I know there were some awkward moments this weekend. Blame it on the alcohol. And on me being awkward. And maybe this is awkward, too, but I think it’s time to just say fuck it and be straightforward with each other. So here it is: I like you—the “I’m attracted to you and have feelings for you” sort of like you. And when I say I don’t have sex outside a committed relationship, I’m not talking about marriage or anything close to it. I’m talking about two people deciding that for now they want to just date each other. And that’s what I want with you. So if there was any confusion with me being sarcastic with my friends about us or babbling about God knows what on Saturday night, let me just be clear right now: I like you and I want to be with you. And if you don’t want the same, I can handle it. I just want you to be straightforward with me, too, because it’s the waiting and wondering that kills me. It took a lot to put all that out there, and I want to respect if you need time or space or something, but please also give me some respect by responding in some way.
Side note: I lied when I said I can handle it. I really don’t know how I’m going to handle it, knowing how I responded to Chill. I made an appointment with a therapist for tomorrow morning and I’ll try to see her twice a week for now. I want to prevent things from getting that bad ever again. Anyways, he did respond by text: This weekend was awkward, confusing, and frustrating. I really need some space. I texted back: Ya I get it. I’m sorry you had to see me so emotional when we weren’t really close enough for you to have to deal with that. Suicide, a possible malpractice suit, and job loss is scary and normally I would just be alone to cry about it or go to friends but it was all happening right then. As for people asking questions, I figured I would just give them random stories and just mess with them because there is no short answer. And as for the drunk night, I can explain but it’s hard to text that much, but I really would like to explain it to you. Or maybe there were other things that I don’t even realize. I realize I can be confusing. I just hope you can explain it to me in more detail and I really hope that by space you don’t mean forever. So let me know and I’m so sincerely sorry :(
He didn’t respond to that one, but I’m really just grateful he responded because that’s all I asked. That would be so cool if he really just needs some time and then decides he wants to be with me. But based on past experience that won’t happen. I’ve decided to wait till Friday to approach him to see if he can tell me what went wrong and decide where to go from here. How to go about it, though??? I’ve been trying to get a bunch of different opinions, especially from guys. My friend’s husband said that when a guy says he needs space, he MEANS it, so give it to him. I needed to hear that because my instinct is to try desperately to find out exactly what went wrong. He said that he has made that same request to take time to examine his feelings and then decided he wanted to pursue the relationship, but this guy could just as easily decide the opposite. All I can do now is pray and lean on my supports…and cry.
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