Well This is a First

The Artist asked me to be his girlfriend. I said I wasn't ready for a commitment. I've always felt a little unsure about my feelings for him. I didn't want to commit to him and lose out on time meeting other guys if I wasn't confident about us working out. So we kept dating and he has been perfect. But the feelings aren't there. I'm so angry because I found a guy who is caring, makes time for me, wants a commitment, wants to talk about feelings, is supportive, and accepts me just the way I am...but my heart just isn't in it. So I decided today that I need to end it with him, but it made me too sad. Sad for him, and sad for me because then I will be alone. I want to be able to hug him, so now I'm thinking I'll wait till I see him this weekend. I can't wait longer than that, though, because he is planning some surprise weekend for me and I don't want him to spend any more money on me now that I've figured out my feelings.

I love love love knowing that someone cares about me. I'm going to miss it so much. I was emailing a guy on Match, and was getting excited about him. Our emails were long and interesting, but then about a week and a half ago I sent him a response and never got one back. It's rare that I'll get excited about someone online, so that's a real bummer. I only have two more months of my membership. I only emailed 4 people last month, and you're required to email 5 in order to get 6 more months for free. I'll call and see if they'll give it to me anyway. Otherwise, I don't know what is next. Buy another 6 months? Try eharmony? Take a break? Look into matchmakers? I'm not giving up yet!!!

Pink Eye Post

GROSS. I'm home with pink eye. It doesn't itch so people really wouldn't be at risk because it's not on my hands, but it just looks offensive. I had to cancel a family session so the mom called the social worker to tattle on me! Sorry my pink eye is getting in the way of your court mandates!

Anywaayyyyys...dating :D Chill pretty much disappeared. I never responded to his "I really want to hang out with you but blah blah" text. He bored me and doesn't have time for a relationship so I moved on. I met The Artist a couple weeks ago. He is very different than guys I'm usually attracted to. I usually like tall science/business-minded fellows that don't have time or emotional availability for me. This one's a little guy--barely 5'9" and went to The Art Institute. He does animation advertisement type stuff. And photography. He looks like Zac Efron and wears glasses and Chucks and sport coats. I bet he wears scarves in the winter. We look like brother and sister with our little bodies and glasses and straight teeth. It reminds me of a romance you would see in a movie...very quirky and awkward, yet sweet. I'm 100% myself with him even though I tell myself not to be. But I think that might be my tendency to want to scare guys away by being the craziest me I can be. I like him but I'm iffy because I need a guy who will be strong and take care of me, but put me in my place when I need it. He has anxiety, and I've changed the subject twice with him already because I'm just not ready to go there. I probably have the worst anxiety out of anyone you know. Maybe having experienced it, he will be more understanding...but I also worry we will be a big, anxious mess with kids that will need Prozac in their formula (you know me--always thinking about the future kiddos!). My last boyfriend left me partly because he was afraid he would have to go to the emergency room for the rest of his life like he did for his aunt. I've never been to the emergency room for a panic attack, but I guess that's just details. But I haven't told another significant guy since then, and I never planned on relying on a guy to help me with my anxiety. And I don't want anyone who isn't paying for it to rely on me for their anxiety. So now that I'm on the anxiety topic, there's something I've been thinking about nearly every day. I take medication that can't be taken when pregnant or breastfeeding. It also has terrible withdrawals. So in order for me to get pregnant, I will have to quit my job to detox and deal with the anxiety. So I have all these worries about finding a guy who can financially support a family with one income, and put up with the detox and the possibility of me becoming a recluse off meds. It won't be one of those happy pregnancies where you wear cute clothes and have baby showers. I'm picturing a year of laying in bed, shaking and vomiting. Who even wants to knock that up? So yeah, it's a little crazy to be thinking this far into the future, but when things get serious with a guy I'm going to have to tell him that it's that or adoption. I don't think guys really think about adoption till it's the last option. They think, "One day when I'm ready I will spread my seed and that day my wife will get pregnant and in nine months we will have a bigger gene pool and then I can teach my offspring baseball." Clowns. So I can't help but try to be proactive and look for a guy who can handle it and care about me enough to put up with it.

This Blog Should be Called Thoughts on Dating...on Ambien

So fiiiinnnnaaallly I have time to write. Always after popping a tiny sleeping pill. I just had a blah day today. It's because yesterday I had heat exhaustion at the fair, which was quite embarrassing with all the paramedics around me. It was also a realization that if this happens every other month, there is some sort of problem. I don't have health insurance till December, so I'm just going to stay out of the sun till then. I should have went to the first aid room at the fair because I could get some free vital sign readings. Oh well, I scored some tylenol. Anyways, serious stuff makes me think about serious stuff. A colleague died at only 22 years old. She went to work like any other day and then BOOM brain dead. I could have been going to the fair like any other day and then BOOM. And at this point in my life I am SO NOT READY TO GO!!! I figured out it will take me 6 years to get my social work license at this job. That means I can have kids at age 32. Pretty good age. Gives me plenty of time to find a man, enjoy him, train him, er learn to communicate properly within marriage. The clock has been ticking but now it's getting LOUDER!

Chill is back to school for his MBA and got promoted (without a raise, of course) so he travels basically everyday he isn't at school. Add in homework, and no time for me. We have texted/chatted a couple times, but I think it's over. He bores me anyway. SUCH a sweetie, though. Seattle never called me after our date. I didn't feel any sparks and I'm used to it by now, so there wasn't an ounce of sadness! Go me with the emotion regulation!!! A few guys have been calling to set up dates so I will try my best to follow up. I have a life so blogging is hard! One guy called me and said, "Well, I decided I would be bold and make a reservation for tomorrow night at 7PM." WOW, buddy, that's bold. You should be an assassin or some sort of undercover ops spy. He was sooo dry and lame and didn't make me laugh or even try to make me comfortable. So I said tomorrow won't work so let me get back to you when I know my schedule for next week. My schedule always changes so I never know it till after it happens, and I'm sure he wouldn't want to be troubled with the past.

So it's been slim pickings on the old match.com. Not too impressed right now. Maybe it will get better toward couples season. Hopefully we have a cold winter and the big spoons start looking for their little spoon. I call little spoon ;)

PS Ambien induced movie idea: Babysitters club should have a reunion. Mary Anne and Logan had a ton of kids and are now going through a custody battle. Kristy has gone straight lesbo and wants to adopt a child with her partner, but face judgment everywhere they go. Stacy can't conceive because of her diabetes, so she hires a surrogate who ends up teaching her important life lessons. Claudia is now sober after raving in her early twenties and her fashion line has exploded after a recent feature in Vogue magazine. Something is missing, though, so she takes a trip to her home country and meets a baby girl she is determined not to leave without. Babysitters Club: The Reunion...what happens when the babysitters want babies of their own?

Bisou Bisou

Of course he called me! And of course we went on a date and he kissed me at the end! Because I'm awesome, and why wouldn't he? :P We've been chatting/texting and he canceled his plans with his brother to have sushi with me. I was suuuuper nervous because this was sort of a make or break date since he hadn't put ANY moves on me. So I didn't have an appetite and looked like a loser girl who doesn't eat on dates. W/e he's seen me stuff my face the past two so he knows what's up. After dinner, we stood in the parking lot talking for about two hours. I acted all cold so he would put his arm around me but NOTHING. Then finally when we hugged goodbye he went for it. Jeezus kid! Sooo he seems like not a jerk so I believe him when he says he'll call me after his trip. I really like this thing because I'm not going crazy--I know I like him but I still want to find out more. It's slow and it's fun and hopefully I get to enjoy it for awhile. His birthday is coming up, though, and I HATE when you first meet a guy and his birthday or Christmas comes. I'm thinking I'll just text him. I made Ladder 1 cupcakes for his bday (I took them to his super bowl party so it wasn't a huge deal) and he ended up thinking I was moving too fast. That probably had more to do with me giving it up to him too soon and calling too much than the cupcakes but I'm traumatized nonetheless. I think these past traumas are helping me now, though, because I know to move slower and if a guy does end up leaving me he isn't taking my heart and secrets with him.

Second (and probably last) Date

Chill and I went to lunch and a movie today (I don't think I've referred to him by name before, so Chill is the guy from the last post). It was whatever. I like him, but I just wasn't on today. I realized how much Turkey impacted me, though. I've retreated into my shell, so terrified of putting myself out there again. And I feel like flirting and letting on that I like a guy is the kiss of death. There was no physical contact aside from the hello hug--when he left he just said he'd call me this week. So now I'm feeling all down the day before my first day at my new job. Whatever.

Here We Go Again

Oh noes. I went on my date. And I like him. I guess that's good because it was a long date so it would have been awkward if I didn't like him. Hopefully it wasn't awkward for him the whole time :/ He said he would call me so we can go out again but that's what they all say. Anyways, when I like a guy I obsess and that makes me think of reasons he doesn't like me and that makes me depressed. So when I have no guy to worry about I'm a happy, independent female. But it looks like now I'm going back to anxious, depressed psycho. I'm scared because I was so hurt with Turkey and that was just a crush! But I recovered fine and now we're cool. Another thing is I can't seem to control is my thoughts about marriage!!! I want to just hang out with this guy and not worry about if I'm going to marry him, but then if the guy is potentially great enough to marry how could I not think about that?? Bleh.

Just an Update

I've been MIA on here because nothing has really been going on in my dating life. I put on my match profile that I don't have a subscription so some guys would just find me on facebook. Only one guy really ended up following through to the point of asking me out. So that's coming up next week. He seems dorky enough for me but my hopes def aren't up, and that's a GOOD thing because I go from being a stable, intelligent female to a psycho chick when I get all gaga over a guy. I want to slowly fall in love and I know that's how it should be, but it's hard to actually control it. I'll def update on how the date goes.

As for other news, I've been working as a drug counselor but the pay was shit so I found a new job. Right when I accepted that job, a place that had previously turned me down said a position opened up and gave me an offer. I decided to stick with the one I accepted and I start as a therapist in August!

My friend just got married yesterday. I'm so happy for her because the situation just seems so right. With my BFF's wedding, we all knew it was headed for divorce and we hated him, so it was difficult to be happy. It was basically a drunkfest that ended in family feud that ended the reception early. With my sister's wedding, I had doubts because she was so young, plus I was oozing with jealousy because I'm the oldest. I think you can see into the marriage by how the couple acts at their wedding. I have never seen my friend so happy than when she was looking into her new husband's eyes during their first dance. I want the fancy party and all the gifts and attention, of course, but more than anything I want that moment when you're looking into each others' eyes and it's like you're the only two people on Earth. Unfortunately, I did not get to enjoy all their special moments because I had heat exhaustion. The ceremony was outdoors and it was over 100 degrees and no shade on the seats. I had already spent hours getting ready in the heat because the AC in this house SUCKS and doesn't cool the top half of the house. Plus I was on my period. So by the time the ceremony actually started, everyone was feeling pretty miserable. My mouth and lips got super dry so I drank a bottle of water. Then my heart started pounding and I was thinking WTF am I nervous about?? I also noticed I was shaking when holding the camera up. Then I started feeling woozy and couldn't even stand when the bride walked down the aisle. But I'm a baby about everything so I just thought I was being too sensitive. Till I vomited DURING THE CEREMONY. It was only a little bit and nobody really noticed and I had been waiting years to see this ceremony so I decided to stay there. I fanned myself off and tried to watch but my vision was going spotty and I couldn't keep my eyes open. The only thing worse than missing this girl's ceremony would be ruining it so I decided if I was going to die she should at least get to wait till after she walks back up the aisle to find out. So I walked out of the ceremony area behind a hedge and threw up again. A friend's mom noticed me walking away looking very pale so she came to check on me. She asked if I was ok but I couldn't talk and just tried to shake my head and get some words out. "It's hot" were some of the words and I was thinking about not being ok and needing an ambulance but I don't know what else I said, if anything. I don't even think she could understand me but she saw me flopping my hand like it was a fan so she fanned me off and got a staff member to drive me inside. They got me ice water and crackers and when the ceremony ended another friend's mom sat by me to make sure I was ok. My nurse friend was in the bridal party taking pictures so she didnt get my text asking what I should do. I felt so scared because I didn't know if this was something serious or something princess (which is usually the case with me, but I KNOW when I'm being princess). And everyone was busy with wedding stuff so they either didn't know or were too busy to care that I was sick. When they were done nurse friend took my pulse and said as long as I'm drinking fluids and out of the heat, then just pay attention to how I feel. Another friend was wasted so she shoved a gummy bear in my mouth...guess she thought I had low blood sugar?? So I ended up missing the cocktail hour because I was sitting on a couch drinking water. I had two more glasses of water and a salad before I got my energy back. It was really amazing how in such a short span of time I could go from truly thinking I might die to being ready to party. I asked a nurse and a doctor what they would tell a patient, and they both said don't drink alcohol, but to a friend they would say drink alcohol and if you start feeling bad again then stop. So I decided on vodka sodas so half of each drink would be water. The rest of the night was a blast!

When I got home today (after someone randomly gave us their hotel room, which we drunkenly thought was amazing, but when we woke up we realized we were stranded at some hotel. My dad ended up driving 30mins there and back to get us home) I looked up heat exhaustion to find out more about it. It's basically when your body can't cool itself down enough. I had all the symptoms: heavy sweating, feeling weak and/or confused, dizziness, nausea, headache, fast heartbeat. If you don't take care of yourself, then this can lead to heat stroke which is when the internal body reaches 104 degrees. By the time I realized things were going nowhere good, I had these symptoms of heat stroke: dizziness, lack of sweating, muscle weakness, nausea, vomiting, fast heartbeat, feeling confused, anxious, and disoriented. Heat stroke can lead to seizures and death because basically your body is an oven cooking up some delicious organic treats. But seriously, now knowing about how serious this thing was, I can't believe that everyone treated it so lightly. One mom thought I had been drinking and the event staff gave me a water and then went on with their business. What if I just keeled over in your beautiful country club?

I was so embarrassed that I got sick and all the old people lived through the ceremony just fine. I read that antidepressants can make you more susceptible to heat illness...and my acne med blatantly says DON'T GO IN THE SUN so maybe that's why it happened to me and no one else. Maybe no one else realizes the severity and still thinks I'm being a dainty little princess. But honestly, it made me realize how delicate I am and how delicate life is...and how much I want someone who I know without a doubt will come running if he hears I'm not ok, and then stay by my side until I am.